FFF – 10-12

The theme for today’s post is sleep – lovely, elusive, delightful, can’t-get-enough-of-it sleep.

“Even a soul submerged in sleep
is hard at work and helps
make something of the world.”
Heraclitus, Fragments

But not I.  Wide awake since about 3:30 this morning.  Sigh.

“Insomnia is a variant of Tourette’s–the waking brain races, sampling the world after the world has turned away, touching it everywhere, refusing to settle, to join the collective nod. The insomniac brain is a sort of conspiracy theorist as well, believing too much in its own paranoiac importance–as though if it were to blink, then doze, the world might be overrun by some encroaching calamity, which its obsessive musings are somehow fending off.”
Jonathan Lethem, Motherless Brooklyn

That’s better. I kind of like the idea that my inability to sleep is somehow preventing a world disaster.  At least that makes it worthwhile.

I’m an insomniac, my mind works the night shift.”
Pete Wentz, Gray

Ok, enough of that nonsense.  Well, maybe one more:

“. . . her energy existed in precious spools that came unwound faster than she liked.”
Zoje Stage, Baby Teeth

Isn’t that lovely?   And so true…

However.  My step count this week?  I averaged 8,700 steps.  Yes, seriously.  Of course those numbers reflect a new all-time high count of over 15,000 while i was wandering the streets of New Orleans.  Still, that’s exciting to see.

On the other hand, I’m only sleeping about 6 hours/night.  I can run on 6 hours, but not well, not over time.  So you know, there’s that.

And – here’s why i’m going to have to do FFF forever – i’m actually gaining weight.  My range has shifted upwards.  It’s true.  So i have to put a stop to that.  i’ve come too far to go back now.

i feel like i’m busy and overwhelmed too much of the time.  And just tired all the damn time.

It’s ok.  This too will pass.  I’m making progress in lots of things.  There’s just so much i want/need to do, you know?  Life is good, it’s just a lot.

Ok, i’m gonna lie back down and see if I can snooze for a bit.  And console myself with this:

“From the tattered edges of an exhausted mind, inspiration blooms… mental filters disintegrate and walls crumble, as the ocean of creativity washes over everything.”
Jaeda DeWalt


FFF – 10-5

Good grief, the weeks fly by.  One minute it’s last Friday, and the next thing I know, I wake up and it’s this Friday.

shallow focus of clear hourglass

AND i’m not doing so well this week in terms of food and nutrition.  Too many carbs.  My glucose levels are not always as low as I want.  Last night, I ate a whole sleeve of Ritz crackers right before I went to bed.  That is NOT GOOD.

My step count is decent thought – apparently, I hit my 7,000/day average goal over the last 7 days, although I’m surprised to see that.  It didn’t seem like I was doing that well.  I guess this why we rely on actual data rather than what it “seems like.”  🙂

My weight is inching up a bit though – not actually gaining, just showing up in the upper ends of my range.  Which is another reason to get the food situation under control again.

But i miss carbs.  Pasta. Doritos.  I love those things soooo much, you don’t know.  Ice cream.  Ice cream is the best.    Sigh.  And it’s not like I can’t ever have any, but that’s a slippery slope, one that i’m all too ready to slide down with gusto.

Sir and i have been having date night, and that’s been great, but not playtime.  Which has been ok, i haven’t actually been in the mood.  But I think i probably need to be spanked.

i think – i might be wrong, but i think – that Sir is not pushing it because of the things that are happening in this country with men and abuse and so on.  i think he’s been wise to not push, i have been having a really hard time.  And of course it’s not the same at all.

But still.  I have felt like my skin was over-sensitive, like – like i would cringe away from touch.  Yeah.

So now i need to ask him.  i think i can do that.  Of course i can do that.  There was a time that i wouldn’t have, but the times, they are a-changing.   i will just say it.

(Yes, i have to do this…  If you can’t see it or play, it’s Bob Dylan from 1964 doing “The Times They Are A-Changing.”  Of course.)

I’ll just do it.  “Sir, i think i need to be spanked, please.”

i can do that.  Of course i can.  And then he’ll do it and we’ll both be glad we did.

Maybe i’ll practice saying it first.  In the mirror.  But it would be silly not to do it.  It’s like it’s own special form of self-care.

Oh, hmmmm, I just did it.   He’s sitting at the table near-by (and can’t see what i’m writing.)  But i just leaned over and quietly said it.

And he agreed.  With some enthusiasm.  And thanked me for acknowledging the need and asking.  Sweet!!  And now i don’t have to worry about it anymore.


FFF 9-29 (on Saturday)

I didn’t quite realize that yesterday was Friday.  Ok, that sounds silly, but it’s true.  I’m traveling for work and that’s always a little bit like being in a separate universe.  So i knew it was Friday, my brain just didn’t connect it to being here.  Until about 3 o’clock in the morning.

When i was suddenly wide awake in my hotel room  That’s not the only reason i couldn’t go back to sleep, but it was the most pleasant.  So here i am, reporting in.

I think my weight is the same range, although I’m not seeing that 154 as often as I’d like.  But it’ll happen.  I’m really noticing the difference in my clothes, and looking forward to trying on some jeans that i haven’t worn in a few years.

The most exciting news, fitness-wise, is that i’ve discovered i can use a treadmill again.  The last times i tried – a number of years ago – i was having more trouble with my knees.  When i’d go for a walk, which i did pretty often to start my mornings back then, my knee would “pop out” of place while i was walking.  I’d have to stop and bend my leg up a couple of times to get it to “pop back in”  So that wasn’t a big deal when i was going for a walk, but when i tried to walk on the treadmill, my knee would pop out of place, and i’d have to jump to the side of the treadmill on the other leg real quick so i didn’t fall on my face.

It was just as scary as it sounds.  After a couple of times, I was just like, um, no, the treadmill is not my friend.  I actually had one that i got rid of when we remodeled the basement about 5 years ago.

So – Thursday, i was here in the hotel and started watching the fiasco in the Senate.  By the time it ended, i was sort of agitated and half sick at my stomach.  i wanted to go for a walk, but it was raining pretty hard.  So i decided i’d try the treadmill in the hotel.  i figured i’d just take it slow, and it would be better than nothing.

When i got to the fitness center, the TV was on – and of course, just my luck, it was on the rehash of the hearing.  I quickly realized i wasn’t going to be able to tune it out.  And i hadn’t brought my phone and earbuds.

There was only one other person in the room, a middle aged white man, sweating hard.   He had just gotten off a treadmill, so i asked him if it would be ok to change the channel.

He said, “Actually, I’m watching that,” which was, of course, a perfectly reasonable response.

So without really thinking about it, i said, “Oh, ok,” and went to the door, adding, “I’ll leave – I really came down here to get away from that.  I was watching it in my room, and just couldn’t listen anymore.”  And i would have been quite ok with leaving,.

But he quickly said, “Oh, that’s ok, I’ve only got one more rep, I’ll change it.”  And he did.  He asked me what I wanted to watch, but i absolutely didn’t care as long as it wasn’t the political thing.  I thanked him, maybe not as profusely as i felt the thanks, and started the treadmill.

It’s almost funny how much i appreciated him changing the channel.  That’s something to think about, isn’t it?  It felt redemptive, a reminder that men can be considerate, at a time when i was remembering all the sexual assaults and rapes that i’ve experienced and that i’ve heard about from other women. That one kind act of his will always be part of what i remember from the nightmarish day of testimony in the Senate.

And i was proud of myself for asking, and for not just sucking it up and staying when he said he was watching the program – which was perfectly reasonable.

Anyhow.  So i walked on the treadmill for a while – and it was fine!!  No problems with my knees!   Now, don’t imagine me running or jogging.  i went slow.  Like not quite 3 miles/hour.  But my knee was fine.

And i did it again yesterday – and i’m about to go do it again in a little bit here!   This means that my Y membership might not be a complete waste of money – how cool is that?  It’s only about a mile from my house, I’m thinking for real i’m going to try to go at least 3 x’s a week.  So there’s a new goal!!

And that’s my check-in.  Hope that you’re all taking care of yourselves these days..




FFF 9-20

And it happened, y’all, a new number on the scale.  “4.”  Yes, as in 154.  Point 2.  That’s right.  154.2  Party is at my house – come on over!

Step average is about 5,400, which is not all that good, but hey.  154.2  I’m doing something right.

But the big treat today (now that i’m through basking in the sunshine of lost weight) is this video.  Have you seen it yet?  If not – well, I laughed.  A lot.  Soooo much.


{It should be embeded, but if it’s not, google video woman putting on spanx.  It should be a youngish woman with dark hair.  It tickled me immensely.}

But then i am of the era of panty girdles and mesh stockings.  Only in my teens – early teens at that.  Then it was all panty hose – followed by burning our bras and throwing away stockings all together.  These days, I don’t even wear pantythose.  I cannot imagine squeezing myself into spanx and am baffled by women who do.  Not judging them, you understand.  But it’s like ironing, something that I think should be relegated to history.

On the other hand, i can enjoy dressing up in a lacy garter belt and stockings with a fine seam in the back.  That’s a whole different ball game.

Ok, enough of this nonsense.  My scale continues to inch it’s way down.  (Pound it’s way down?)  Haha…  and I hope you enjoyed the video as much as i did.



FFF – 9-14-18

Happy Friday!

I am going home today, and ready to be there, I think.  These few days on retreat,  i’ve tried not to get too attached to outcome.  So i haven’t been born again or made new while i was here, and that’s ok too.

i think it’s been a “Middle Way” kind of retreat.  Some meditation, some relaxation, some exercise.  Reading for fun. Just sitting. And i avoided the trap of telling myself, “Oh, this is great, i need to do more of this.”  i just did however much i did.

i saw deer up close, from my window, but still really close.  And river dolphins.

i took my time doing the things i did.  By last night, i was slowed down enough to just sit on the back porch for a while.

I might have lost weight, i might have gained weight, who knows… i haven’t been near a scale since Tuesday.  My step average was 6,800 though, which pleases me.  And i even did some aerobic exercise (dancing.)  So that’s cool.

Dancing was one of my original goals for FFF, so maybe i’ll be able to reengage with that.  Or maybe not.  Whatever, it was fun this week.

And i have a cold and feel a little bit worse today.  Sigh.  In fact, i’m going to lie back down for a little bit now .

FFF – 9-7

It’s Friday again – i have no idea where the week has gone.  Or maybe i do since I’ve been babysitting my grands since Tuesday, which has been lots of fun, and very demanding.  Um, as you parents of little ones already know.  Six year old and a three year old.

Of course, they’re at school/pre-school from about 9-3, so I can work, which is good, but I pick the older one up at 3, and then go ahead and get the younger – and it’s on.  Play – homework – bath – dinner – read books – go-to-bed.  Whoosh.

The good news is that I hit my 7,000 steps yesterday without even trying.  The not very good news is that my average for the week is only 4,800.  That’s because I had a couple of days – maybe three – that i just sat and worked all day.  Ended up in the low 3,000s for the day.  Sad.

But it’s a new week.

We did not have playtime last week, which was also sad, it’s looking bad for this week, and Sir is going out of town Monday.  Sigh…  but if you consider i’ve gone years wthout until recently, i’m not complaining.

One funny interaction reminded me of our respective positions.  We were going to the grocery together – he was driving – and we reached a corner where i would turn left.  There were 3 lanes, he was in the middle lane, and I didn’t know what he was doing.  He has a bad slightly annoying interesting habit of not getting in the correct lane til the last moment, but we were at a red light.  He also has a habit of taking the wrong way a different way to get somewhere.  He can decide he prefers some route that takes us 6 blocks out of the way and 10 extra minutes, for no apparent reason, and always go that way.

Plus, you have to understand that i have no sense of direction.  Zero.  None.  Do not ever ask me for directions.  GPS has been a life-changer for me –  I used to get lost all the time. And still would if i couldn’t tell Siri to  “get directions to home.”

So we’re sitting at this light, like 3 minutes from home, headed for the neighborhood grocery, and he’s in the wrong lane.  Which makes me acutely uncomfortable.  So i squirm a second and then say, “Which way are you going?” only it comes out a bit more plaintive than i had intended.

And he says in a deceptively mild tone, “Which way do you think i should go?”

A bit uncertain now, i say, “Well, i always go left here.”

Just then, the light turns green – we start to move – and I realize the middle lane also turns left. Before i can say anything –

He says, “Well, aren’t you precious, giving me directions…”

Which for some reason made me laugh so hard i almost couldn’t stop.  The “aren’t you precious” was so unexpected from him – plus i remembered that he really had told me not to back-seat drive, so it was a fitting reprimand.  It still makes me chuckle.

And maybe i’ll remember not to do it again!

6:10 – time to make some school lunches before i wake these little ones up and start the get dressed – eat breakfast – brush your teeth – get your stuff – where are your shoes and out the door routine.  Good times ahead…

FFF 8-24 (on Saturday)

I was traveling yesterday and barely realized it was Friday or I might have gotten my FFF done.  But that’s ok, because GUESS WHAT!!  I have a new number on the scale this morning.  155.8  That’s right.  One – Five – Five.  Ok, it’s point 8, but still.

That’s 20 pounds less than 175, which is where I originally started on this challenge.  (I think.  It could have been 178.  Not when I started in January with FFF, but when I originally realized I HAD to lose weight.)


Anyhow – step count?  Seven day average is 8,100.  Yes, that’s over my 7,000 goal.  I have a new strategy, of sorts.  I maximize my steps on the weekends, aiming for 10,000, which I can usually do those two days, and then try for 7,000 during the week.  I’ve been doing better about walking in the morning before I get locked into meetings and such, and I’ve been scheduling phone calls with friends during my walk.  Since it’s a walk, not exactly a power walk, it’s no problem to do that.  Plus it forces me to step away from whatever else I’m doing at that time.

Anyhow.  I’m not mentioning that one day when I forgot to schedule breaks and found myself at the end of the day with 1,295 steps.  Clearly, the plan is working overall, so that’s exciting.

Fondles, sorry I’m late…  ❤  Thanks so much for doing this.  I don’t think I’d have this success without the community of support you created.