Author: olivia

Arguably not. The FFF 2.0 boat has actually sailed and i missed it. Sigh.

I am in some kind of a mood. Feel free to walk away now.

I should have posted when I was on vacation. No, seriously. I had a lovely, lovely vacation. Great weather. Trips to the beach. Lots of walking – in the city, on the beach, by the waterfront. MP and his scooter were good walking companions. Lots of good food. In general just a lovely time.

I did over 11,000 steps on two days. I slept about 8 hours a couple of nights. I felt like a new woman.

Apparently I need to retire for real to be healthy. Unfortunately, that is not happening.

I read the 2nd chapter of the Willpower book. There was all kinds of data cited and stories told. The assignment for this week is:

• Breathe your way to self-control. Slow down your breathing to four to six breaths per minute to shift into the physiological state of self-control.
• The five-minute green willpower fill-up. Get active outdoors—even just a walk around the block—to reduce stress, improve your mood, and boost motivation.
• Zzzzzzzzzz. Undo the effects of sleep deprivation with a nap or one good night’s sleep.
• Relax to restore your willpower reserve. Lie down, breathe deeply, and let the physiological relaxation response help you recover from the demands of self-control and daily stress.

McGonigal Ph.D., Kelly. The Willpower Instinct (p. 54). Penguin Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.

Y’all. They basically just said “Get more sleep, exercise, relax, and practice breathing slowly.” This is not new advice. Not rocket science. Not startling revelations. So I laughed. I thought, “Ok, I can do this.”

And I did. While I was on vacation.

Back at home? In bed at 9:00 – back up at 2 a.m. 2,500 steps a day. Mentally, running in place on a hamster wheel. Silly girl.

I’ve gained back 10 pounds. I can’t quit eating. Ok, apparently I won’t quit eating. My glucose levels are great – and I’m pretty sure that’s got to be because my new meter doesn’t work right. No, seriously. I don’t know how else to explain it.

In the last month, my average step count has been 5,300. In the last week, it’s been 5,600. And that counts an 11,000 day. Sad. And now I’m at that point of lethargy where I don’t care. I don’t want to move. I just want to be a big ole slug.

Plus none of the things I’m doing to get clients are working. None of them. We won’t starve or anything, but I hate this. I feel like the quintessential failure.

Anyhow. Here i am. I think this post might sound more bitter than I actually am. I feel more like I”m watching a train wreck from a distance.

But spring starts next week, and hope springs eternal. Tomorrow is a new beginning. As Eleanor Roosevelt said:

“With the new day comes new strength and new thoughts.”

My successes come and go, This week has been a mixed bag. Some days of eating pretty healthy and walking plenty, other days of neither. Average step count was 4,800. Shrug. I’m only sleeping about 6 and a half hours/night, but some of that is because I’ve been excited about stuff I’m doing, so I guess that’s ok.

On the plus side, I bathed in our tub with jets last night. I started reading a terrific book called “The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down.” I did some co-working and that was great. So lots of things are lovely.

In the pendulum swing of my submissive soul, I’m in the “why bother about this submissive stuff, this is not even a kinky blog” phase again. Which is not exactly news here, there hasn’t been a sign of D/s for ages. But periodically, I just have to put it out there that this is a journal, of sorts, not a kinky blog. Although, now that I think about it, this blog has never had much kink. Sigh..

Between David’s story Journey and Cass Wintermute’s spanking stories, I’m sure that my libido is not actually dead, just on snooze. So I guess that’s good.

MP and I are doing a mini-vacation starting tomorrow, so there may be beach pics coming this way. And always, good times ahead.

I’ve been sorting through things, doing some organizing and cleaning up, getting rid of things I don’t need. Not discarding everything that doesn’t spark joy yet, maybe next year. But getting rid of some stuff.

Then I found this:

It’s a wooden spoon, a small one, maybe an inch and a half in diameter. Just right for pussy spanking. Um, for spanking the lady bits of a submissive girl. I bought it as a gift for Sir, way back in the day when we were fresh and new.

We had lots of tantalizing conversation about it, but it never got used. It’s been an odd anomaly, tucked up with my socks and underwear, then moved to the office area for no apparent reason. That’s where it is today.

It came to mind not too long ago when someone – Fondles, I think – had one that reminded me of it. But here’s mine – and what do I do with it? Goodwill, I suppose. I could just put it in the kitchen, but every time I saw it, I would think of it as a pervertable and feel awkward.

Looking at it, contemplating, the term that came to mind was flotsam and jetsam. I had to go look them up to make sure that was the right term.

… the term “flotsam” refers to a sunken vessel whose goods float to the surface of the sea, or any floating cargo that is cast overboard.^[5]

The term “jetsam” designates any cargo that is intentionally discarded from a ship or wreckage… Generally, “jettisoning” connotes the action of throwing goods overboard to lighten the load of the ship if it is in danger of being sunk.^[5]

And yes. That’s what it is. Damn spoon. The remains of the wreckage of my D/s relationship.

Now that I’ve shared my dramatic feelings about it, I’ll send it off to Goodwill. Someone will use it in the kitchen, never dreaming that it once represented some kinky hopes and dreams.

Woe is me…

Alas and alack…

Ok, just kidding…

Ok. I’m going to do this willpower challenge in the book I’m reading. Cause just reading the book is not going to be enough to make the changes I really want to make. Cause you know, just reading the book is never actually enough – you have to actually do something different.

It’s a 10 week thing. Here’s the challenge this week:

This week, commit to watching how the process of giving in to your impulses happens. You don’t even need to set a goal to improve your self-control yet. See if you can catch yourself earlier and earlier in the process, noticing what thoughts, feelings, and situations are most likely to prompt the impulse. What do you think or say to yourself that makes it more likely that you will give in?

In the reading this time, she broke down the challenge into 3 parts – I will, I won’t, and I want. In terms of my own goal:

1. I will eat healthy and exercise.
2. I won’t choose high fat and high carb food to binge on at night.
3. I want to lose 20 pounds in the next 6 months, reduce my glucose levels, feel better, and fit my clothes better.

On Fridays, I’ll still do FFF 2.0, thank you, Fondles, for keeping that going. But on Sundays, I’ll read the next chapter of the book, report in on how my challenge has gone, and name the next challenge.

In other news, Jz’s post reminded me that March is Question & Answer month, so if you have any pressing questions for me – or impertinent questions – or any questions at all – now is the time…

Yes, that’s an exciting title, isn’t it? Nooooo… it certainly is not. But it’s not an exciting post, so at least there’s no false advertising. (hahaha)

I got my FitBit to start working again – yay – and I have a somewhat sad step count average of 4,700 this week. Meh.

I just started a book called The Willpower Instinct: How Self-Control Works, Why It Matters, and What You Can Do To Get More of It. I have only gotten through the introduction so far, but I’m pretty sure it’s going to be the answer to all my problems, right?

Bwhahahaha

I’m super sleepy today – my sleep average for the week is 5 hrs, 42 minutes, and last night was 5 hours and 1 minute, which is actually just not enough sleep. But I was busy all day yesterday from 5 a.m. til midnight, and today is also super packed. It’s all good things, but still (yawn) even coffee isn’t waking me up as much as I need it to.

In other news – um, nothing. Nothing at all. But no news is good news, right?

Eight years ago today, I was in Baltimore. I’m sure I’ve reminisced about this before on this blog, but it popped up in a FB memory for me. On FB, I just said I was going to Baltimore and leaving my computer at home, but that brought back a rush of memories.

I don’t remember what his “Sir” name was. Hmmmmm. Also not his real name was Burford, which is what he was going by when I met him on CollarMe.

I went to Baltimore to meet him for a weekend of playtime, after agreeing not to bring any clothes other than what I was wearing. He met me at the airport with two dozen roses. I can still see him, sitting in the baggage claim, holding the roses.

We stopped in a parking garage on the way to the hotel and climbed into the back seat so he could spank me. I am not kidding – this really happened. Was I insane? Possibly. But it still makes me smile.

The next morning he bought me clothes at Burlington Coat Factory – I never shop there without thinking of him. And we pretty much hung out naked all weekend. It was lovely.

He was in love with someone who was not ever going to be there for him the way he wanted. He did not fall in love with me, and I was looking for it all – love and kink and the chance of happily ever after.

But it was a weekend worth remembering.

My Fitbit isn’t working. Or, to be more accurate, it’s working sporadically. It counts my steps, and then it doesn’t. I restart it and it works – until it doesn’t.

I had practically just started counting calories again when it started being wonky. (And it’s not like I have an old Fitbit. It’s MAYBE a year old.) So I need to figure out what to do about that.

In the meantime, I don’t think my count would have been that great this week anyhow, I had good days and bad days. Um, I mean I had days where I got a high count and days where it was low regardless of whether the Fitbit was counting anything or not. I had low calorie days, and high calorie days. Sigh… It is the story of my life, isn’t it? Highs and lows…

Anyhow. The weather is warming up here, so that’s exciting. And yesterday was my birthday! I am 63, y’all. By any standards, that’s old. I mean, well past middle aged, unless you think I’m going to live to be 126, which is beyond unlikely.

I saw this quote the other day:

“I am weary of heroism. I am tired of doing. I am tired of great projects and frenzied efforts.  I have left the busy land of the middle-aged for a realm of deep inner stillness, quiet and sacred being.” –John Robinson

And I thought, yeah, that’s where I’m headed. And it appealed to me. But it’s not where I’m going right now – right now, I have a new contract with a coaching platform and a private coaching practice to build. So that’s exciting and exhausting – and I’m old. And that’s ok.

I had a lovely birthday, although we’ve postponed the cake and ice cream to Sunday, as we often do. But it was still a lovely day. And today will be too.

PS – Do you see how MANY 2s there are in today’s date?! Can’t wait til next year. Or even better, 2022… Yes, it’s the little things that fill my life with joy. And yes, I’ll probably still be doing FFF in 2022. Just saying…