olivia submits

Sorry. I had every intention of writing this week, but is not going to happen. Having a fabulous time, Might be back next Friday but maybe not. I shall return though. Like the proverbial bad penny

So here I am, 2 days late. Living the sedentary lifestyle. Step count is 4,200. Ridiculous.

Work stuff is actually going well, things are starting to fall into place, I might actually make money again someday, which would be nice. Well, not just nice, but essential. So that’s good.

And I got my blood work back from the doctor; it looked pretty good. Even my cholesterol levels were much better so I’m not starting on statins just yet. A1C was 6.2, which is even better than last time. That’s on a small dose of meds, but still…

It is only slightly funny that I’ve talked about my health so much on here that I’m being followed by Chiropractors and such. Nope, not kidding. Of course, maybe it’s just spam. We can hope.

In other news, I’m going to be visiting Where I Used to Live and I’ve made an appointment with my old therapist, who I think I used to call JM the Wise. Or something like that. I’m excited to see him. It’s only been about a year since last time, but much longer than that since I was seeing him regularly. If I keep visiting my hometown every year, I may do an annual visit for the rest of my life. Why not? We do annual physicals, right? It’s my annual mental health check-in. And, unlike a physical, I’m looking forward to it!

At last, the quotes you’ve been waiting for. Did you know that if you google “Quotes spanking” you get a bunch of pro and con parents spanking their children stuff? But if you google “Quotes BDSM spanking,” you get little gems like this:

“When a hand comes down across your bottom, the sting is quickly followed by a prickling numbness. The pain vanishes and the heat generated from those slaps sends lines of electric fire through all the tissues and nerve endings, ripples of warmth that gather in a wave of sensations, a million tiny kisses that lap over your clitoris and take you to a breath-taking orgasm. That’s why girls like spanking and spanking girls is a unique pleasure.”

― Chloe Thurlow,

This next one is long, but soooo worth reading.

“Leaving my empty goblet, I slide from the soft pile at his order. I can already feel the desire bursting from between my thighs as I fall to all fours and begin my crawl to where he has seated himself.

“We will begin as before—you will be spanked over my knee—but this time there will be little pleasure in it for you, my captive. I intend to hurt you—to mark that pretty little behind—and make you unable to sit properly for some time.”

I am back by his feet as he concludes and warily, I raise my eyes as he finishes the sentence. I know I am not hiding the terror in my face and yet still I am compelled to carry on—submitting myself to him in this way for our mutual need. He catches my hair in his left hand and pulls it into a rough ponytail, again drawing my head back.

“When my hand is aching from tanning your backside, I will bind you to the bedpost and continue to thrash you with my strap. Do you understand?”

He eyes me wildly and for a moment I am too afraid to even respond. I have to swallow hard again to find my voice.

“Please, my Lofðungr,” I say shakily. “I do not know if I can bear such a punishment?”

He never takes his eyes from me as he answers. “You can and you will, my sweeting,” he says. “You will submit to me in this way as a sign of your true desire to be mine.”

I close my eyes at his words, understanding for the first time his real intention. He means not just to punish me, but to mark and possess me in some meaningful way. To make me his again in the way that our coupling had done before. As I open my eyes again and see him standing over me, there are tears but also a new acceptance.

I nod my head as best I can whilst he is still holding my hair in his fist. “I will bear it,” I say, my voice breaking.

He leans in toward me, his face just an inch from mine, those blue pools burning into me. “You will bear it,” he replies, his hot breath against my face, “and I will love you for it.”

― Felicity Brandon,

That really captures the essence of D/s for me, and it so much more than spanking. And it is incredibly hot.

Ok, enough of that. It’s a beautiful day in the neighborhood, and today’s adventure is waiting for me, whatever it’s going to be.

Checking in, step count was 5,700, which is slightly above sedentary. I didn’t establish the pattern I wanted though. Instead of not going under 5,000 any one day and going over 10,000 at least one day, I had 4 days around 3,500 or 4,000 and two days around 9,500. Shrug, whatever.

So I went to the float tank last night. If you haven’t heard of float tanks or flotation therapy, you can read just about everything you wanted to know here. I have friends who go regularly, and I was excited to try it.

When I got to the place, it was very “spa/yoga/new age” feeling , all wind chimes and filtered water in a clear glass pitcher, which was pleasant. Light and airy, and the attendant was lovely. She offered me water and we sat on the white furniture while she told me what to expect.

I felt pretty comfortable by the time she led me to the room. There was a dressing area and a large shower and the door to the float tank. It wasn’t like the one pictured in the article where you would have to bend down to get in. It was more like this.

Anyhow. The attendant left me. I showered off and stepped into the tank, prepared to experience that “mind turning off” “total relaxation” that they talk about.

Instead, I got a steady stream of thoughts playing through my mind. I had not left my woes outside the tank, I had locked myself in with them.

I felt good. Physically I felt good, and the thoughts weren’t distressing, but they were constant. I could mindfully watch them come and go.

It was a fascinating experience, I’m not sorry I did it, I may do it again sometime. But it was not what I expected. It seemed to make it really clear just how tightly I’m wound. It was a wake-up call for how much more I need to let some tension go.

I woke up wondering what it would take for me to actually shut off my mind.

It took about a minute for the answer to come to me.

Yes. A spanking.

Not a punishment spanking. Maybe not even a hard spanking. Preferably not even hard. Just firm. And long. Sensual. Steady. Absorbing.

That would shut my brain down.

I was going to end with a couple of quotes about spanking, but I think I’ll save them for the Wednesday challenge. Give me time to savor them (and rediscover that yes, I can still get turned on!)

David, over at Dispatches from Dystopia, has passed on a challenge that is right up my alley. “Once a week I will post 2 quotes on a topic, pick 3 bloggers to post on a topic of my choosing and choose a topic of their own.” David chose Desire for the challenge.

Rules:

1. Thank the blogger who nominated you. (Thank you, David!)
2. List the rules. (Done)
3. Share your favorite quotes on the relevant topic.
4. Nominate other bloggers.

The challenge was started by someone named Rory, but I’m not linking to him because it looks like his blog is about him and his dog with not a trace of kink. It was passed to David by Succulent Savage, so if you don’t know Mr. and Mrs. McDaddy, you might want to check them out too.

I really am going to do this once a week, and if there are topics you’d like to see quotes about, just let me know, I’m happy to oblige! I’m probably not going to nominate 3 bloggers every week, at least I don’t think I am, but I’ll do it this week to start the fun. I nominate:

Jz at A Reluctant Bitch because this is also your kind of challenge, my erudite friend.

Jade at The Chrysanthemum and The Sword because it fits your academic background and may serve as a distraction.

Edited to add: The topic for your quotes is “Appreciation.”

You, wherever you blog, if it looks like something you’d enjoy. I couldn’t pick among everyone else I know.

Ok. Desire. Here we go.

“Anxiety and desire are two, often conflicting, orientations to the unknown. Both are tilted toward the future. Desire implies a willingness, or a need, to engage this unknown, while anxiety suggests a fear of it. Desire takes one out of oneself, into the possibility or relationship, but it also takes one deeper into oneself. Anxiety turns one back on oneself, but only onto the self that is already known.” 
― Mark Epstein, Open to Desire: Embracing a Lust for Life – Insights from Buddhism and Psychotherapy

“Desire makes life happen. Makes it matter. Makes everything worth it. Desire is life. Hunger to see the next sunrise or sunset, to touch the one you love, to try again.

‘Hell would be waking up and wanting nothing,’ he agrees.”

— Karen Marie Moning, Shadowfever

It’s interesting, isn’t it? Desire. I have some clients who seem to have no desire for anything – young people who, theoretically, have everything going for them, but lack the will, the motivation, the desire to move toward anything. That lack is paralyzing.

At the same time, we know that desire is often at the root of misery. Wanting things to be different than they are. Wanting to have things, wanting to have reached our goals, wanting life to be different Lots of potential for suffering tied up in desire. And yet… not having desire for anything doesn’t bring happiness. Not the way I see it in my clients, which is a kind of numbness.

So maybe the secret is to have desire and then be able to transcend that? As if you have to feel it first to truly be able to let of it? Or maybe there’s a theoretical balance where you feel desire but can acknowledge that it’s just desire and then move beyond it? Recognize that the “i wants” are just that, our own wants and not mandates? Maybe it’s about keeping them in “right perspective.”

Hmph, I was trying to find something about “right perspective,” which I think is an actual thing, but couldn’t find what I was looking for. So I’ll define it for myself, in this context anyhow.

Desire isn’t bad, it motivates us, and that’s helpful. At the same time, we need to be able to recognize that most of our desires are small, self-absorbed preoccupations that aren’t important in the greater scheme of the universe. And that’s ok. There’s nothing wrong with wanting what you want. It’s only a problem if you think it more important than a lot of other things that are actually more important.

There. Not very eloquent or deep, but real. I’m up too early again, going back to bed now. Later…

Reporting in once again. Halfway through the second year of FFF and I am actually about 14 or 15 pounds below what my highest weight has been, weighing in today at 164. Not great, but not terrible. At least I’m not continuing the previous trend of just continually gaining, so there’s that.

Step count this week averaged about 5,000, with a low of 2,600 and a high of 11,000. My high was on Sunday, my low was on Monday, when I barely left my computer. The last couple of days I’ve been a a workshop which also involves not much walking.

I ran across these guidelines – or labels for activity levels, based on step count.

• Sedentary is less than 5,000 steps per day.
• Low active is 5,000 to 7,499 steps per day.
• Somewhat active is 7,500 to 9,999 steps per day.
• Active is more than 10,000 steps per day.
• Highly active is more than 12,500.

I think I’d like to aim for not falling into the sedentary level, or no more than one day below 5,000, and hitting over 12,500 at least once a week. I was close to that this week, so it’s not unattainable. And it seems like a reasonable way to approach it. That’s going to be my intention anyhow. The fact of the matter is that I do live a fairly sedentary lifestyle and just shifting it to low active is a decent goal.

I’m doing a lot more mindful eating these days, not because I’ve become a more mindful person in general, but because I’m having more dental problems. The mindful eating is definitely an (unwanted) silver lining to a big ole thunderstorm cloud. If you are neglecting your teeth right now, stop it. Please. Take my word for it, it’s not your best move. Avoid now, pay more later is a real thing. Just go to the damn dentist.

Ok, it’s not nice to make fun of people’s names, and as someone who has an unusual name IRL, I am reluctant to do that. But when I got this card in the mail yesterday, I giggled like I was still in middle school.

It’s a furniture store. Pictured, along with a living room and dining room, are three bedrooms. The name of the store is Badcock & More.

Badcock. Get it Snicker… I know, it’s probably their last name. It’s not actually funny.

And it still makes me giggle. How do their kids survive middle school? “No, it’s “bad” in a good way!! Like Bad to the Bone!”

Ok, enough of that nonsense. David has challenged me to: “Once a week I will post 2 quotes on a topic, pick 3 bloggers to post on a topic of my choosing and choose a topic of their own.” The topic he picked was Hope. I was going to start that on Wednesday, but I had the workshop and got too busy. I’m planning to do it next week, mid week sometime.

On that note, I’m going back to bed for a little bit, since I’ve been awake since about 4 am, which is actually too early. ‘Night!

A Dom I know in real life posted this today on FaceBook:

A TRUE DOM doesn’t just take control of you or try to order you around. That’s not dominance, that’s bullying.

A true Dom is ALWAYS respectful, will guide you, instruct you, encourage you, help you, and drive you to reach your true potential.

Not in the bedroom, in LIFE.

A true Dom will be the most supportive person you’ve ever met. They’ll challenge you and teach you things about yourself you never knew.

They’ll bring out the very best in you.”

Because I know this person in real life, mostly in his vanilla persona, but in his kinky-ness too, I know that this is true for him. I’m sure it’s not true all the time, because he’s human, but I totally believe that this is who he strives to be, all the time.

That’s who I wanted, for so long. That Dom. I don’t know anymore, I think I’m more “just in the bedroom,” but you know, since I don’t have that either, and don’t think I will, it’s ok. I’ll just admire people living the lifestyle from over here in My World.

It’s funny, I was thinking about David’s post about his wife, who isn’t interested in looking sexy anymore. In that same way, today I feel like my submissive self is just gone. I don’t know what it would take to bring her back, or if anything would. The most I have today is a deep sense of nostalgia.

But I’m not unhappy, not today, and there are more important things to think about. Like going to the beach…

Checking in – step count is 6,800, which is super close to my 7,000 goal, but still includes the 19,000 from Saturday, so it isn’t all that impressive. My low was 2,700. Weight is hovering between 163 and 166, glucose levels are good. Check – all systems go.

I’m feeling ok about life today, despite some days this last week when I woke up way too early and couldn’t sleep, more dental woes, and a growing stress financially. On the other hand, my teeth are ok today, i gained a couple of opportunities to make a little money, and I’m going to an expensive two-day workshop next week for free. I’m super excited about that.

I was looking back at my old blogs this week – back when I was aisha, and then sofia. I got a WordPress notification that aisha was getting 29 views an hour and went over to look. It was one person, of course, reading through it, but that’s always kind of cool. And then I checked in on the sofia blog, just for fun.

Each of those blogs lasted 3 years – not exactly, but I ended them both somewhere after the 3 year mark. I’ve been here 3 years too, and for a minute I contemplated ending this blog and starting a new one. What would I call myself this time? What blog template would I use, what images? What would my theme be? I thought about trying to do something that spanned my kinky life and the vanilla.

But I decided not to. I quit the aisha blog partly because I had met MP, we were active in the kink community and he was uncomfortable with the aisha story being connected with us. And I quit because I wanted to function as a therapist for kinky folks and didn’t want my own story compromising the therapy. As it turned out, that didn’t happen much, but my blog persona was already gone.

I left sofia because that was the blog of my relationship with MP, a relationship that started with so much fanfare and fun, such promise for depth and growth. The I woke up and realized I was deluding myself, none of that was going to happen, so I ended that blog and came here.

I don’t quite know what this blog is anymore – I guess just my journal as much as anything. Although why i would want to write a semi-public journal is a little odd when I think about it. However, thanks to Fondles, I have a reason to show up at least once a week and document my life journey. For whatever reason, FFF seems to anchor me here, and I deeply appreciate that.

In other news, today is Summer Solstice. To celebrate, I’m going to start cleaning out our pool, which is a hellish mess of bacteria-ridden leaves. But we’re having a family friend visiting from our old hometown the week of July 4th, we’re keeping the kids home from daycare that week, and having a pool we can swim in will be a fun, free activity. Wish me luck…

I’ve been thinking about my spiritual journey too, trying to figure out what I need to be doing for my own growth. I miss that deep sense of connection with myself and the universe that I’ve had in the past.

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