olivia submits

It was a beach-y kind of week.

Lots of steps – I averaged 6,704, with a high of over 12,000. My low was about 2,500, but that was actually last Friday. I haven’t lost an ounce, but I exceeded my exercise goal every day except one, and my glucose levels are pretty good, even when I allow for a 40 point margin of error. (So these days, I think of a score of 125 as being somewhere between 105 and 145.)

I read a fascinating article the other day, and thought y’all might be interested in it. It’s called “I Suddenly Stopped Being Kinky and I’m Not Sure Why.” It is exactly like the article says – the story of a woman who was kinky and comfortable with it, The author, Rachel Kramer Bussel, says:

If there was kink involved, I probably tried it during my 20s and 30s. Spanking, bondage, choking, being ordered around—all of it turned me on. Dominant lovers, both male and female, indulged my submissive side and I’d return from dates happily sore, sometimes sporting multicolored bruises I’d admire with pride. I even made BDSM part of my career, editing numerous anthologies of kinky erotica.

Having established her kinky bona-fides, she goes on to talk about her current long-term relationship, which is sexual but not kinky. She says:

Losing my kinkiness feels like it happened over time, and like would have come about even if I wasn’t with D. In fact, in moments alone, I have replayed some of my dirtiest submissive fantasies, the ones that had always been a surefire way to get me aroused. They no longer get me going, even on the few occasions when I’ve fantasized about someone other than D. And I am fully convinced that if D. and I broke up today, I would not seek out a kinky partner. It’s an intimate language I no longer speak.

The article is worth reading for her speculation about why this happened. And she concludes:

Relinquishing my kinky identity feels bittersweet. I’ve learned that the missionary position gives me as much pleasure as kink used to, as does oral sex and even intense makeout sessions. These are joyful discoveries to be made in middle age. On the other hand, I’ve had to overcome feelings of shame that I’m no longer as wild (for lack of a better word) as I was during my younger years. For someone who used to need handcuffs or power play to get her revved up, that has taken some getting used to—even seven years in.

I had about a minute once when I thought the connection in my head between kink and arousal had gone away. I had divorced, spent a couple of years not dating or being sexual at all, and gotten in a relationship with a very vanilla man. He did turn me on with his vanilla ways, and for a minute I thought I was done with all the BDSM fantasy. This was before I even realized that BDSM could be a reality.

But it didn’t take long before his consistently gentle touch quit doing it for me and I was back to fantasizing. mostly from Story of O. Shrug. That’s how it went for me. Of course, my relationship with him deteriorated too. It was never unpleasant or contentious. We always got along in a – well, in a very vanilla way.

He had none of the faults of my first husband, and ultimately none of his virtues either. He was a great antidote to my crisis-ridden first marriage, but about as bland as mashed potatoes. Regular ones, not with garlic or anything. Nothing wrong with that, but it’s pretty mind-numbing.

He’s the one who cheated on me. I think our relationship bored him too. He actually preferred his woman a little more dramatically dependent. Based on what I know of his ex before me and the woman who came after, he liked to be a hero, but in a mashed potatoes kind of way. If you know what I mean.

Anyhow. That was my dabble into a vanilla existence that i thought was going to be my new sexual reality. For about a minute. Not that I always had kinky relationships before that – I didn’t. But I relied on Story of O in my mind to get me going.

Anyhow. Happy Easter, if you celebrate the holiday. We’re doing Easter baskets here and the kids are super excited. This will be their first US Easter and as my granddaughter says, earnestly, “We’ve never had Easter like this!!” Firsts are always fun. Hope you have a good one!!

So here we are, just another day in Paradise… Seriously, life is good, although I’m not riding the high of last week any more. And I’m not getting in the steps I did either.

Steps – 5,591 – 4 days of hitting my goal and 3 sad little days puts me right back in my average range. My scale has its own theme song:

My glucose levels are still ok, which is almost weird. But I’ve discovered that the tests you do at home are not all that accurate anyhow. At least, I was reading a couple of articles that said they’re considered accurate if they provide 99% of their readings within 20% of lab results. Twenty percent, y’all. That means if your actual level were 100, it could say 80 or 120 and that meter would still be accurate. And there are a bunch of meters sold that can’t pass that test three times. So yeah, theoretically my levels are fine. But for real, who knows?

But life is full of uncertainty everyday. I am still holding on to my voice and my space in the universe, so we’ll see where that takes me. Ran across this quote today and had to agree:

“We are not here to fit in, be well balanced, or provide exempla for others. We are here to be eccentric, different, perhaps strange, perhaps merely to add our small piece, our little clunky, chunky selves, to the great mosaic of being. As the gods intended, we are here to become more and more ourselves.”
― James Hollis, What Matters Most: Living a More Considered Life

And it’s spring, which down here, moves pretty quickly into summer, so the days are mostly sunny and more beach time is on my agenda…

Woohoo – I may be on the upswing! No, really. I took a step back from what I was doing and spent some time taking care of myself in real basic ways. I left the house every day. I worked in coffee shops instead of just sitting at my desk. I went to the park. I cooked real food and ate it with the family. I cleaned my refrigerator.

I realized that a couple of things I’ve been fooling with, that I thought were going to jump start my business, aren’t going to. And they aren’t what I really intend to do anyhow. So I need to quit piddling around thinking another organization or company is going to save me, and re-focus on what I really believe I’m called to do.

You have no idea what a scary prospect that is for me. The fear of failure is huge. And not just failure, as in “well, that didn’t work the way I’d thought it would.” No, it’s the whole, “if I don’t succeed at this then I’m worthless and nothing I’ve ever done was really any good and nothing ever will be,” negative core belief. I know that’s not rational – the belief doesn’t live in the logical part of my brain. But it’s alive and well in my feelings.

Yes, that is the exact kind of belief that I help other people work through and not believe. Yes, it is a clear case of “Healer, heal yourself.” If I were still where I used to live, I would be seeing JM, the wise and wonderful therapist I saw for a long time. But that’s not an option and I don’t know that I have the energy to start over with someone new. Oh – or the money, at the moment. So there’s that.

Anyhow. I realized (again) that it’s not about whether I succeed or not, it’s important to do what I think I can do. I have a message, a mission of sorts, and I just need to put myself out there and see what happens. If it’s pretty much all just in my head right now, I can’t actually complain that no one’s interested in it. Right?

What does that have to do with FFF 2.0? Well, all that basic self-care is reflected in my stats. Step average is a whopping 6,935! (7,000 is my current goal.) And I hit my activity goal 5 days in a row. My scale says 166 – ok, it’s not that good, but it’s not 167, and more importantly, I don’t feel so much like a fat slug anymore. Plus, it was doing those physical things that helped me get clear mentally.

Getting ready to start the weekend feeling good, planning more activity and working hard to reach my goals. AND there may be a walk on the beach in my not-too-distant future.

Sisyphus.

In Greek mythology Sisyphus or Sisyphos was the king of Ephyra. He was punished for his self-aggrandizing craftiness and deceitfulness by being forced to roll an immense boulder up a hill only for it to roll down when it nears the top, repeating this action for eternity.

Wikipedia

Y’all. I have even used this analogy before – I don’t remember if it was here or in one of my other blogs from a different life phase, but – sigh – I’ve been here before.

The spiral of growth, right? I’ve reached the stupid Sisyphus stage again.

What does all this have to do with FFF? Well, you know, I’m fat rather than fit. (Bwhahaha) Step count is 5,400, which is actually within my average range.

And – I feel disconnected and disengaged again. Not connected with my body, with my self, with my own power. I’m making zero progress on my work goals – and I have some very specific steps I could take. If I could only shake off this soul sucking lethargy that I’m experiencing.

Would a spanking do it? Is it really that I’ve lost touch with that submissive part of myself and I need it? I am not feeling any sense of purpose. I don’t feel like I have anything to offer the world that anyone would want. I have that thought, and I immediately crave ice cream. Or sleep.

Whine, whine, whine. Yes, I would like some cheese with that wine, thank you very much.

I would tell you that I’m totally asexual at this point – and that’s true. Unless I read one of Cass Wintermute’s spanking stories. Or David’s. Or start a fantasy in my own head. Then all those sexual parts perk right up and pay attention and do all the things they’re supposed to do. So I haven’t completely lost it. But for all practical purposes, I have.

No, I’m not doing that thing where I reach out to MP again. I’m not. (Digs heels in…) The good times are great, but it takes so frigging long to get there and they’re so frigging brief and it hurts so much when they fade away again. No. He and I are getting along well and connecting in lots of other ways and I have NO reason to believe he wants anything else.

And it takes a tremendous toll on me, emotionally and psychologically, when I let hope build up and then I have to tamp it back down and let it go. This was the last time for that. Don’t misunderstand me, lots of other things have changed for MP and he continues to take more initiative and be lots more engaged in lots of other things. But not anything remotely D/s. Not one single, solitary anything. I’m not riding that particular emotional roller coaster again.

Ok. So I have to find another way to reconnect with my body and get back in shape. Are you getting that deja-vu again feeling? Yep. Me too…

Because apparently, I’m just all over the place. Off schedule still, off track, maybe off color too. (Does anybody still use that phrase? Seems unlikely…)

I’m also chunkier than I used to be. I hopped on the scale this morning – y’all. 167. Now I sound surprised – like I didn’t know if I ate a lot and didn’t exercise that I would gain weight. Anyhow. We won’t dwell on that. Maybe that’s the “hitting bottom” I need to turn the corner on what seems to be yoyo dieting for real. Ugh.

And don’t you like the way I make it sound like it’s out of my control? Like it’s something that’s happening outside of me and I just need to wait for the right combination of Magical Motivational Moments. Seriously? No.

Drugs would do it. No, not some script for Wellbutrin or some such, I’m thinking speed. Amphetamines. Of course that would come with a plethora of unwanted side effects… Sigh. Ok, that’s probably not the way to go.

I haven’t read the third chapter of Willpower yet. Probably because I’m not practicing the experiments she recommends in Chapter Two. Maybe I’ll linger another week on them – breathing, sleeping, relaxing, and exercise. The big 4.

In the latest fitbit update, step count was 4,375, with a high yesterday of about 8,000. Smh, ok, new week new energy, new enthusiasm… yada yada. In the good news category, glucose levels have been pretty good, and I think my meter is actually accurate. So that’s something

Ok. I’m off to do laundry and empty the dishwasher. Good times ahead… Spring is here in the south, it’s a beautiful day in the neighborhood, and joy can be found right here in the moment.

Not the kind of dreams that come true – the kind you have when you’re asleep. I’ve had weird dreams three nights in a row, although I only remember two of them.

“I have dreamt in my life, dreams that have stayed with me ever after, and changed my ideas; they have gone through and through me, like wine through water, and altered the color of my mind. And this is one: I’m going to tell it – but take care not to smile at any part of it.”
― Emily Brontë, Wuthering Heights

So the first night, I dreamt I was working in restaurants again – a specific restaurant that I used to actually work in with a specific manager who I used to have. I’ll call him Mario. In this dream, I got promoted to management. Nobody told me exactly what that meant or what I was supposed to do. But Mario kept coming to me and telling me I was spending time with the wrong people, the people I was meeting with weren’t the ones I needed to be talking to.

Last night, I dreamt that – I don’t know. The first part of it is kind of hazy. But somehow it was like I was coming back from a different country, or maybe a different world, and I realized I needed a high school diploma to do what I wanted to do. So I went back to high school. That was pretty much a nightmare, as high schools are, and it was expensive and I hated it and then I started missing classes… and it was weird and miserable.

Then I suddenly decided “screw this,” I already have a college degree (which I had somehow forgotten.) I thought, “I don’t need this high school thing – even if I never graduated, I’ve got a college degree – oh, wait, I’ve got TWO colleges degrees, a BA and an MA. They can’t take that away from me. I do not need to go back to school. If I have to do anything, if there’s something missing, I’ll get my GED.”

But once I decided that, I realized that I had ALREADY graduated from high school, years ago!! I didn’t need to be there at all.

So it seems like a clear message to me. (Although I’m probably wrong, dreams aren’t usually a clear message. But still.) My subconscious seems to be telling me that I’m not doing what I need to be doing, somehow I’m approaching it wrong, putting my energy in the wrong direction.

That doesn’t mean I know what to do instead. I don’t know what the right direction will be. I think I need to move into a process of discernment and see what comes up. Or ask my dreaming self tonight what I should be doing!!

I did this whole post thinking Spring Solstice was tomorrow! But no. It’s today. Which is super exciting, cause I love spring!!

Arguably not. The FFF 2.0 boat has actually sailed and i missed it. Sigh.

I am in some kind of a mood. Feel free to walk away now.

I should have posted when I was on vacation. No, seriously. I had a lovely, lovely vacation. Great weather. Trips to the beach. Lots of walking – in the city, on the beach, by the waterfront. MP and his scooter were good walking companions. Lots of good food. In general just a lovely time.

I did over 11,000 steps on two days. I slept about 8 hours a couple of nights. I felt like a new woman.

Apparently I need to retire for real to be healthy. Unfortunately, that is not happening.

I read the 2nd chapter of the Willpower book. There was all kinds of data cited and stories told. The assignment for this week is:

• Breathe your way to self-control. Slow down your breathing to four to six breaths per minute to shift into the physiological state of self-control.
• The five-minute green willpower fill-up. Get active outdoors—even just a walk around the block—to reduce stress, improve your mood, and boost motivation.
• Zzzzzzzzzz. Undo the effects of sleep deprivation with a nap or one good night’s sleep.
• Relax to restore your willpower reserve. Lie down, breathe deeply, and let the physiological relaxation response help you recover from the demands of self-control and daily stress.

McGonigal Ph.D., Kelly. The Willpower Instinct (p. 54). Penguin Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.

Y’all. They basically just said “Get more sleep, exercise, relax, and practice breathing slowly.” This is not new advice. Not rocket science. Not startling revelations. So I laughed. I thought, “Ok, I can do this.”

And I did. While I was on vacation.

Back at home? In bed at 9:00 – back up at 2 a.m. 2,500 steps a day. Mentally, running in place on a hamster wheel. Silly girl.

I’ve gained back 10 pounds. I can’t quit eating. Ok, apparently I won’t quit eating. My glucose levels are great – and I’m pretty sure that’s got to be because my new meter doesn’t work right. No, seriously. I don’t know how else to explain it.

In the last month, my average step count has been 5,300. In the last week, it’s been 5,600. And that counts an 11,000 day. Sad. And now I’m at that point of lethargy where I don’t care. I don’t want to move. I just want to be a big ole slug.

Plus none of the things I’m doing to get clients are working. None of them. We won’t starve or anything, but I hate this. I feel like the quintessential failure.

Anyhow. Here i am. I think this post might sound more bitter than I actually am. I feel more like I”m watching a train wreck from a distance.

But spring starts next week, and hope springs eternal. Tomorrow is a new beginning. As Eleanor Roosevelt said:

“With the new day comes new strength and new thoughts.”