olivia submits

And here we are again.

Reporting in – step count is DOWN.  5,924.  Weight is UP.  I would like for that to be the other way around.  Ok, and maybe my weight is not actually up, but hovering around 156, 157.  Sigh. 

I feel kind of old today.  When I look at the challenges ahead of me, career wise, I just feel tired.  Not quite overwhelmed, but a lack of energy or enthusiasm.  Like it’s going to be so much work, I wish I could just retire instead.  Just potter around all day.  Read books for fun and play with my grand kids.  That kind of for-real retired.

I don’t usually feel this way.  I imagine it’ll pass.  And maybe it’s just because I got some constructive feedback on my website that was really helpful but also gave me an idea of the scope of the work I need to do.

And I need time to devote to it, and focus for it, and even psychic energy.  It’s not impossible.  It’s something I’ve wanted to do for a long time – not exactly in this form, but in some form.

At the same time, the classes I’m taking have a bunch of assignments that challenge me to go deep into myself and explore my feeling.  Pull on my wisdom.  All that good stuff.

So I’d like to feel excited about it.  And I’m sure I will again at some point.  Right now, today, it just seems like a lot of work.  When really, I’m pretty much at an age that lots of people are finishing their careers, not looking to start new ones.

However.  I have a lovely life in lots of ways.  I don’t have to get everything done today, or even this week.  Or month.  I have time.   I need to plan what I’m going to do, build a new timeline.  Look at all the things I want to create and figure out all the steps I need to take and just plan it out.

But I don’t have to do it all today.

The theme for today’s post is sleep – lovely, elusive, delightful, can’t-get-enough-of-it sleep.

“Even a soul submerged in sleep
is hard at work and helps
make something of the world.”
― Heraclitus, Fragments

But not I.  Wide awake since about 3:30 this morning.  Sigh.

“Insomnia is a variant of Tourette’s–the waking brain races, sampling the world after the world has turned away, touching it everywhere, refusing to settle, to join the collective nod. The insomniac brain is a sort of conspiracy theorist as well, believing too much in its own paranoiac importance–as though if it were to blink, then doze, the world might be overrun by some encroaching calamity, which its obsessive musings are somehow fending off.”
― Jonathan Lethem, Motherless Brooklyn

That’s better. I kind of like the idea that my inability to sleep is somehow preventing a world disaster.  At least that makes it worthwhile.

“I’m an insomniac, my mind works the night shift.”
― Pete Wentz, Gray

Ok, enough of that nonsense.  Well, maybe one more:

“. . . her energy existed in precious spools that came unwound faster than she liked.”
― Zoje Stage, Baby Teeth

Isn’t that lovely?   And so true…

However.  My step count this week?  I averaged 8,700 steps.  Yes, seriously.  Of course those numbers reflect a new all-time high count of over 15,000 while i was wandering the streets of New Orleans.  Still, that’s exciting to see.

On the other hand, I’m only sleeping about 6 hours/night.  I can run on 6 hours, but not well, not over time.  So you know, there’s that.

And – here’s why i’m going to have to do FFF forever – i’m actually gaining weight.  My range has shifted upwards.  It’s true.  So i have to put a stop to that.  i’ve come too far to go back now.

i feel like i’m busy and overwhelmed too much of the time.  And just tired all the damn time.

It’s ok.  This too will pass.  I’m making progress in lots of things.  There’s just so much i want/need to do, you know?  Life is good, it’s just a lot.

Ok, i’m gonna lie back down and see if I can snooze for a bit.  And console myself with this:

“From the tattered edges of an exhausted mind, inspiration blooms… mental filters disintegrate and walls crumble, as the ocean of creativity washes over everything.”
― Jaeda DeWalt

Good grief, the weeks fly by.  One minute it’s last Friday, and the next thing I know, I wake up and it’s this Friday.

AND i’m not doing so well this week in terms of food and nutrition.  Too many carbs.  My glucose levels are not always as low as I want.  Last night, I ate a whole sleeve of Ritz crackers right before I went to bed.  That is NOT GOOD.

My step count is decent thought – apparently, I hit my 7,000/day average goal over the last 7 days, although I’m surprised to see that.  It didn’t seem like I was doing that well.  I guess this why we rely on actual data rather than what it “seems like.”  🙂

My weight is inching up a bit though – not actually gaining, just showing up in the upper ends of my range.  Which is another reason to get the food situation under control again.

But i miss carbs.  Pasta. Doritos.  I love those things soooo much, you don’t know.  Ice cream.  Ice cream is the best.    Sigh.  And it’s not like I can’t ever have any, but that’s a slippery slope, one that i’m all too ready to slide down with gusto.

Sir and i have been having date night, and that’s been great, but not playtime.  Which has been ok, i haven’t actually been in the mood.  But I think i probably need to be spanked.

i think – i might be wrong, but i think – that Sir is not pushing it because of the things that are happening in this country with men and abuse and so on.  i think he’s been wise to not push, i have been having a really hard time.  And of course it’s not the same at all.

But still.  I have felt like my skin was over-sensitive, like – like i would cringe away from touch.  Yeah.

So now i need to ask him.  i think i can do that.  Of course i can do that.  There was a time that i wouldn’t have, but the times, they are a-changing.   i will just say it.

(Yes, i have to do this…  If you can’t see it or play, it’s Bob Dylan from 1964 doing “The Times They Are A-Changing.”  Of course.)

I’ll just do it.  “Sir, i think i need to be spanked, please.”

i can do that.  Of course i can.  And then he’ll do it and we’ll both be glad we did.

Maybe i’ll practice saying it first.  In the mirror.  But it would be silly not to do it.  It’s like it’s own special form of self-care.

Oh, hmmmm, I just did it.   He’s sitting at the table near-by (and can’t see what i’m writing.)  But i just leaned over and quietly said it.

And he agreed.  With some enthusiasm.  And thanked me for acknowledging the need and asking.  Sweet!!  And now i don’t have to worry about it anymore.

I didn’t quite realize that yesterday was Friday.  Ok, that sounds silly, but it’s true.  I’m traveling for work and that’s always a little bit like being in a separate universe.  So i knew it was Friday, my brain just didn’t connect it to being here.  Until about 3 o’clock in the morning.

When i was suddenly wide awake in my hotel room  That’s not the only reason i couldn’t go back to sleep, but it was the most pleasant.  So here i am, reporting in.

I think my weight is the same range, although I’m not seeing that 154 as often as I’d like.  But it’ll happen.  I’m really noticing the difference in my clothes, and looking forward to trying on some jeans that i haven’t worn in a few years.

The most exciting news, fitness-wise, is that i’ve discovered i can use a treadmill again.  The last times i tried – a number of years ago – i was having more trouble with my knees.  When i’d go for a walk, which i did pretty often to start my mornings back then, my knee would “pop out” of place while i was walking.  I’d have to stop and bend my leg up a couple of times to get it to “pop back in”  So that wasn’t a big deal when i was going for a walk, but when i tried to walk on the treadmill, my knee would pop out of place, and i’d have to jump to the side of the treadmill on the other leg real quick so i didn’t fall on my face.

It was just as scary as it sounds.  After a couple of times, I was just like, um, no, the treadmill is not my friend.  I actually had one that i got rid of when we remodeled the basement about 5 years ago.

So – Thursday, i was here in the hotel and started watching the fiasco in the Senate.  By the time it ended, i was sort of agitated and half sick at my stomach.  i wanted to go for a walk, but it was raining pretty hard.  So i decided i’d try the treadmill in the hotel.  i figured i’d just take it slow, and it would be better than nothing.

When i got to the fitness center, the TV was on – and of course, just my luck, it was on the rehash of the hearing.  I quickly realized i wasn’t going to be able to tune it out.  And i hadn’t brought my phone and earbuds.

There was only one other person in the room, a middle aged white man, sweating hard.   He had just gotten off a treadmill, so i asked him if it would be ok to change the channel.

He said, “Actually, I’m watching that,” which was, of course, a perfectly reasonable response.

So without really thinking about it, i said, “Oh, ok,” and went to the door, adding, “I’ll leave – I really came down here to get away from that.  I was watching it in my room, and just couldn’t listen anymore.”  And i would have been quite ok with leaving,.

But he quickly said, “Oh, that’s ok, I’ve only got one more rep, I’ll change it.”  And he did.  He asked me what I wanted to watch, but i absolutely didn’t care as long as it wasn’t the political thing.  I thanked him, maybe not as profusely as i felt the thanks, and started the treadmill.

It’s almost funny how much i appreciated him changing the channel.  That’s something to think about, isn’t it?  It felt redemptive, a reminder that men can be considerate, at a time when i was remembering all the sexual assaults and rapes that i’ve experienced and that i’ve heard about from other women. That one kind act of his will always be part of what i remember from the nightmarish day of testimony in the Senate.

And i was proud of myself for asking, and for not just sucking it up and staying when he said he was watching the program – which was perfectly reasonable.

Anyhow.  So i walked on the treadmill for a while – and it was fine!!  No problems with my knees!   Now, don’t imagine me running or jogging.  i went slow.  Like not quite 3 miles/hour.  But my knee was fine.

And i did it again yesterday – and i’m about to go do it again in a little bit here!   This means that my Y membership might not be a complete waste of money – how cool is that?  It’s only about a mile from my house, I’m thinking for real i’m going to try to go at least 3 x’s a week.  So there’s a new goal!!

And that’s my check-in.  Hope that you’re all taking care of yourselves these days..