Sir and I continue to have regular sessions, maintenance on Wednesday, play on Sunday – although we’re switching to Tuesday and Saturday, starting last night. I think it is actually, really helpful for me and improves the quality of my life overall.

However. There’s always an “however” with me, isn’t there? Lol, that’s how I am, but it’s also just how people are. In any case —

I began to have some doubts. Does he really want to do this? Is he just humoring me? Are we really connecting? I began making up stories in my own head about what he was thinking or feeling.

I started to believe the stories I had just made up. I told myself it was true and there wasn’t anything I could do about it – he didn’t really like what we’re doing, he was just going through the motions for me. And some of y’all know how poisonous those thoughts are to a submissive girl’s mind.

I didn’t want to talk to him about it, partly because I didn’t expect anything good to come from that. I generally prefer to discuss things in my own head, taking both sides of the argument. (I know that’s ridiculous, but essentially true.) As David Foster Wallace says:

“I have filled 3 Mead notebooks trying to figure out whether it was Them or Just Me.”

I had distilled the argument down to either “He doesn’t really want to do this” or “I’m just always looking for problems and can’t appreciate what I have.” Or something like that.

I couldn’t think of a way to broach the subject that wouldn’t just lead to hurt feelings and negative outcomes. I didn’t even know how to start talking about it. I simmered in my own confusion for a while.

In fairness, I have sometimes had unpleasant outcomes when I tried to have a conversation that maybe wasn’t 100% happy and approving of what was happening in the bedroom. And we all know what happens when we ask for too much. We get nothing. (PIcture the Wicked Witch of the West from The Land of Oz, laughing and screeching, “Nothing, my pretty, You get nothing!!! Bwahahaha…”

Yikes – do you see the nonsense that goes on inside my head?

Anyhow. I managed to quiet the monsters enough that I broached the conversation. I had confided a little bit in a friend, and then I realized that it was utterly unfair to share my feelings with some one else and not with Sir. So I did it.

And guess what?

The world did not end. He took it really well. He wasn’t upset, he was curious. It had a positive outcome immediately. It made our relationship stronger.

I know – who knew that could happen? 😊

I’ve had a few people reach out with concern that I’m not posting as regularly these days. I appreciate you reaching out. No worries, I really am fine. I just don’t have as much to say here. I am doing some other writing and trying to live healthy. Halfway through my “no marketing” month, I’m feeling good. I might be inching forward on believing that maybe who I am and what I’m doing is enough. There’s a wild idea!