The Best part of a rainy day and A Simple Pleasure

The best part of a rainy day…

… is not having to go out in it, staying dry and cozy at home, maybe watching the rain fall outside, hearing it hit the roof…

A Simple Pleasure…

… is taking my bra off at the end of the day.  And my shoes.  And my pants.  And putting on an oversize t-shirt and stretchy capri leggings.  Yep.

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i’m trying again to start a new relationship with my body.   One that involves listening to what it needs rather than giving it what i’m in the habit of giving.  We’ll see how that goes.

i have forgotten what it feels like to be touched with passion or desire.  My body doesn’t remember anymore.  It seems unlikely that will change.   i believe that no one will ever want to touch me again.

And – that may be true.  Not necessarily true, but it might be.  But it’s probably more about me not feeling desirable than anything else.

Reading this post from The Nerdy Nonconformist entitled Fat and Fuckin’. made me feel more hopeful.  My favorite part is this:

“I need you to realize that “normal” people want to have casual sex,  intimate relationships, and do nasty-freaky-naughty things with us on a regular basis. I need you to realize that men (and women) make passes at us. Call us beautiful.  Rub our stomachs, outline our stretch marks with their tongues, and hold on to us as if we are the sexiest thing in the world.” 

But if i don’t start exercising regularly, my body is going to get so stiff and out of shape that i won’t be able to walk.  Or fuck.  So wish me luck as i head down this path – again…

 

One thing not to worry about – and more…

One thing not to worry about

…is whether or not i actually get all these September prompts done or not!  Or all the other things that don’t really matter in the greater scheme of the universe.

 

The last library i visited…

…was with my grandkids and was lots of fun.  i don’t usually check books out of the library – i have issues with returning them in a timely manner.  Even if i’ve already read them.  Sometimes i do ok for a while, but even now, i’ve got one book that i’ve probably had for a year.  Sigh…

One thing to do today…

…is go get my nails done.  i’m going to be out of town next week, and if i don’t do it today, it won’t get done for another week.  i got that gel polish last time, so my nails don’t look bad, but you’re not supposed to leave that on for too long.

Also today, i’m going to make some progress on these September prompts!!  And maybe get caught up on reading Other People’s Blogs.

Three good thoughts…

…i’m not really sure what they mean by “good.” Maybe “helpful?” or “fun to think?”  Or maybe they mean thoughts about things we’re looking forward to?  Thoughts come and go like clouds in the sky, and theoretically it’s not so helpful to hold on to them.  wallpapersxl-clouds-moving-138182-1600x1200

However, here we go.

One:  Perfectionism will kill you.  If it doesn’t kill you physically – through all that increased stress – it will kill your joy in the moment and your pleasure in the good-enough.  Perfectionism kills creativity and the flow of energy.  It kills our own sense of well-being.  It harms our relationships with our children, our friends, and our lovers.

Letting of perfectionism can be a life-long goal – and we may never get it perfectly right.  🙂  But it’s a goal worth attending to.

Two:  Right now, in this moment, everything is ok.  If it’s actually not ok in this moment, then you’re probably taking action, not sitting around thinking.

Really.

Whatever is not ok is either in the future or in the past.  If you’re reading this post, then right this moment, you’re ok.

Three:  You’ll find your answers within yourself.  You may need information from outside, and you may want to weigh in other people’s opinions.  But ultimately, you are the best resource for how to live your own life.

One challenge to that is finding your own voice through all the other voices we hear – parents and grandparents, teachers and friends, lovers and Masters and Doms – or slaves and submissives.  Our culture – TV and radio, the news and every book we ever read – all those voices are in our head.

Learning to hear our true self.  That’s the path to finding your own answers – which are all inside you.

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A Celebration

“Once upon a time, when women were birds, there was the simple understanding that to sing at dawn and to sing at dusk was to heal the world through joy. The birds still remember what we have forgotten, that the world is meant to be celebrated.”

Terry Tempest Williams, When Women Were Birds: Fifty-four Variations on Voice

“The soul accepts the mystery within and all around, immersing itself in it, celebrating it.”

Jay Woodman

Today, i have everything i need.  i am loved and i love.  i have work that matters.  My life has meaning and purpose.  That’s reason for a celebration!!

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A Way to relax

Sitting at my Sir’s feet, leaning my head against his thighs, massaging his legs.

Lying on my side, spooned with my Sir in bed, his arm over me, his hand grasping my wrists, which are cuffed together.

After a good, hard spanking and an orgasm, still trembling, body relaxed like a rag doll, too relaxed to move.

 

What really matters…

Love.  That’s what really matters.

Not romantic love, sweet though that is.  The kind of love that is for everyone.  “Agape love,”some people call it, and even though i shy away from the Christian tradition these days, that is the kind of love i’m talking about.  Unselfish, unconditional love.

i think we get confused when we talk about love, we think it means giving up who we are or always putting ourselves last. Letting ourselves be martyred.  i think the Christian tradition supports that notion, particularly for women, which is one of the reasons i shy away from it.

i think agape love needs to be open-hearted. It can be joyful and it needs to embrace oneself as much as it does others.

i believe submission can help us practice loving.

A Kind Dom has an interesting discussion about love going on here.  Lots to ponder there.  As a submissive, back in the day when i was trying on different relationships, i think that i always experienced some kind of love for the Dom i was playing with, or who was playing with me.  i don’t think they “loved” me – certainly not in the forever and ever sense – but i hope that we shared a mutual appreciation of each other.

i know that it’s more difficult for me to remember to be loving toward MP now that he’s not my Dominant.  i’m not sure what that means exactly, but it’s interesting.

Anyhow.  Love is what really matters.

 

What am i waiting for

Hmmmm, i’m waiting for MP to get up so i can hang out for a little bit with him before i start doing chores and such.

i’m waiting for the end of October when my career change process will be complete.

i’m waiting for November to go visit the place we’re moving to.  Also for November to find out if my country is actually more than half racist, xenophobic, mysogynistic homophobes.

i’m waiting for months before i can go visit my daughter.

i’m waiting til spring to put my house on the market.

i’m waiting til we move to go to play parties or events.

In some ways, my road forward is very mapped out.  Lots of milestones to achieve.  But today, i’m enjoying today.

Right now, i’m drinking coffee and writing this blog, which i like doing immensely.  It is like Shauna Niequest says:

“This is it. This is life in all its glory, swirling and unfolding around us, disguised as pedantic, pedestrian non-events. But pull of the mask and you will find your life, waiting to be made, chosen, woven, crafted.
Your life, right now, today, is exploding with energy and power and detail and dimension, better than the best movie you have ever seen.”

 

The thing that gives me hope AND A minor roadblock in my life

The thing that gives me hope is –

i don’t know.  i don’t really think in those terms anymore.

It’s not that i don’t have hope – i am basically an optimistic person, and i’ve been through enough hard times to know that things generally get better.  The problems that may have seemed unsurmountable at one time aren’t the same problems i’m facing today.  Those problems have been resolved in one way or another and i’m not still dealing with them.

The “problems” i have today just seem like part of how life is.  Like i used to see problems as anomalies, and now they’re just part of the normal flow of life.  Sometimes there’s suffering attached to the problem, sometimes i can just accept it and let it be.  i don’t have to be miserable – or i don’t have to hold on to the misery until i can solve the problem.

Does that make sense?

So i may feel hopeless about some things, but i also know that things can change in a heartbeat.  One minute you think that’s just the way it’s gonna be forever, and the next thing you know, it’s shifted, like one of those kaleidoscopes that we used to have when i was a kid.

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i do feel really sad and miserable sometimes, but i’m pretty lucky in so many ways. And i have so many resources, and so much support, that i can often change things when i’m  miserable about the way they are.

So –

A Minor roadblock in my life…

I don’t know how to answer this.  i’ve been sitting with it all day, but i just don’t know.  There are things i want to do, and there are things that need to be done before i can do them.  But i don’t think about them as roadblocks.

There are lots of times when things don’t go the way i originally imagined them.  But i think of them as more like a twist in the path than a block that i’m going to go over or get through.

i feel like i’m missing something here, with this roadblock image.  Thinking…

Ok, here’s a minor roadblock in my life.  i have a piece of furniture i want to move.  i can’t find my furniture moving things – you know, the pieces you put under the furniture so you can just slide it?  Had them the other night.   Ended up not using them.  Didn’t put them back where they belonged.  Can’t find them anywhere.

That’s a minor roadblock.

Do i keep looking?  Forever?  (i am convinced that there’s a black hole in my house where things like that go, and that they’ll stay gone until the black hole spits them back out, usually when you no longer need them.)

Do i drag the piece without the pads and risk damaging my wood floor?

Can i slide it onto my little rug and pull it that way, or will that tear up the rug?

Do i wait until i can get someone to help me move it?

i’m pretty sure i’m just going to ponder it for a while longer.  And keep looking for the furniture moving thing-y’s.  We’ll see.