Not So Old After All

Apparently, 62 is not too old to feel the tingles and the heat, just from his words.  We went out for dinner last night, and as we talked, i could feel myself coming alive.

Lol, i wrote that and then imagined youall going, “We know, you already told us, coming alive, tingly, yada, yada, yada, blah, blah, blah.”   Fortunately, i remembered that y’all didn’t say anything, those are my own thoughts reflected back at me.  Hmmmmm, i can be kind of mean to myself.

But we went out for dinner last night – MP and i – or maybe i should say he took me out for dinner, because he planned it (and payed) and all that.  It was somewhere we’d never been before and was really good AND he suggested we split a tiramisu for dessert, which totally shocked me, on all kinds of levels.  And he actually ate his half, so woohoo!

He was talking to me about things that he’s learning, and i was getting kind of squirmy listening to him, which made me giggle, which i haven’t done in a long time.

Anyhow.  Some suspense and anticipation building here as he sets the pace, and i begin to feel some familiar submissive urges.   Amazing.

 

 

Yikes

Remember when y’all encouraged me to ask for my toys back?  Yeah.

So I did that.  And then it set off a reaction, a chain reaction, and suddenly – like a kaleidoscope – things are different.  With a quick turn of the wheel, from this:

images      to this            images-1

 

 

 

 

 

Just that quickly.

I had kind of forgotten that, a long time ago, back when MP was my Sir, I had given him the passwords to my fetlife profile and my olivia email.  And the link to this blog.  Gulp.

Not that I actually had anything to hide – I have not done anything wrong.  Haven’t done anything that I feel guilty about.

But that might have been hard to believe.  I talked about some stuff, for sure.  And I talked to some people.  And some of the posts I’ve done might have been hard to read.   It might have been a difficult weekend for both of us.  Ok, it was a difficult weekend.

With lots of painful conversation.  And explanations.  And more conversation.

I was really not sure where we were going to land.

But this kind of amazing thing happened.

He understood.

No, not just “he said he did.”  He really did.

He wants to try again with the D/s relationship.  Which would have just made me skeptical, but – he’s going to get some Dom coaching.   (Yes, that’s a thing!)  So that he can work through his own stuff and we’ll have a chance to really make it work.

Wow.  That made me a believer.

I want to respect his privacy, so I’ll stop there, but I think that is sooooo cool, I just about can’t stand it.

Of course, there’s no guarantees on anything and who knows where we’ll end up.  It’s taken me a little while to even begin to let myself be open to the possibilities.  It’s kind of scary – um, I’m a bit scared.

I had shut myself off from him so thoroughly.  To protect myself, you know.  To protect my heart and my submissive little soul.   (Don’t laugh, you know it’s true!)

I didn’t want to open again.  Seriously, I didn’t.

But i am.  I can feel it starting – it makes me think of the scene in The Secret Garden, after she finds the garden when she’s looking at the plants – do you know what I’m talking about?  If you’ve read that book, you might remember.  Of course I don’t have the book with me, but it’s when she’s first in the garden and she sees that flowers are starting to push up through the ground and begins to clear away the weeds that have grown up over them.  And she’s not sure she’s doing the right thing, but just feels like they need room to breathe and grow.  She’s so amazed that the flowers are still there.

I guess it sounds silly, but that’s a little bit how I feel now.  Like i can make space for feelings i’d tried to bury.  Like springtime.

Anyhow.  He’s still MP right now.  Nothing has really changed yet.  But yikes – the possibilities!!!

 

 

On the Occasion of…

…my 62nd birthday, it seems like the appropriate time to celebrate and count some blessings.

  • I may have some health issues, but I feel pretty good most of the time.
  • I have a job I mostly like that pays well.  I have enough of all the material things in my life – and more.  Much more than I need, and a whole lot of what I want.
  • I have a lovely daughter and even lovelier grandkids.  They are thriving.
  • I have a partner who’s a good person and who cares about me.
  • I was in New Orleans this week.  🙂
  • I’m off work today! It’s a warm and sunshiny day!!

CW:  Domestic violence

In other events, I was

  • In NOLA,  in a hotel room next door to a loud, angry man, who was berating his girlfriend/wife for having gotten them LOST – like she ALWAYS does – and making him walk all over New Orleans.  YES, he was FUCKING ANGRY!!!   Being someone who gets lost ALL THE TIME myself, it caught my attention.  The verbal berating went on for a long time and I kept wondering if he was going to hit her.  He didn’t, but the yelling continued off and on for a couple of hours.  Apparently this proved that everything wrong was her fault, not his, and no, they weren’t going back out that night, he didn’t care if she was hungry or if it was her birthday, she was not stable or she wouldn’t have gotten them lost, and they weren’t going out there and get lost again.  I did tell the hotel clerk, and they quieted down for a while, but then he would rev up again.  I could barely hear her, and it was probably just as well.  It reminded me of long gone years and my first husband’s rage.  I know what it’s like to tolerate that, and it made me sad to hear it.  I’m sending her lots of energy and love today, and would invite you to do the same – love and strength for all the nameless women with angry husbands.  And I guess him too, because when I read it now,  and remember the things he said, I hear so much anxiety and fear.   Sigh…

 

  • In an airport, a man started telling me about how he’d been traveling for work for 39 years.  He said he’d been on the road this time for almost 2 weeks, but he was going home that day.  His marriage was important to him. and he wasn’t going to lose this relationship.  A bit ruefully, he added that he’d been married twice before, but this time they’d been together 17 years and he wasn’t going to lose that.  I wanted to ask him why this marriage was different, but it was time to board my plane and I was afraid it was going to be a long conversation.  Besides, this way i can make up my own answers.  Just seems like there’s a lot there to ponder…

Hope your day is as lovely as mine is going to be!!

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