My Submissive Heart

This post, by Nora Jean at Living a Loving Life reminded me of an aspect of submission that I hadn’t been thinking about lately.  She said:

“As a result I am trying very hard to approach our new dynamic with what I am calling my ‘submissive heart’, looking for opportunities to demonstrate my submissiveness to and for Frank.”

Those words made me realize that i have not been in touch with my own submissive heart – that it’s at least half-way covered with a self-protective layer of shell.   It seemed to be necessary at one time, and I won’t second-guess myself from here.  Maybe it is still needed.

I’ve gotten a glimpse of it lately – felt it for a moment – that opening/giving/offering part of myself.

I won’t force it.

I might have thought at one time that i needed to figure out how to speed the process, how to push myself into it.  Or, in the time before that, it would have happened totally spontaneously, without thought or caution.  One minute feeling the belt, the next minute feeling all desire to please and serve.

Now, i choose to trust myself. i am glad that NJ reminded me of that feeling – that softened openness – and i’m pretty sure i’ll feel that again.  But today, i chose to honor my own wisdom to know when and how it will happen.

Interesting that when i google “the submissive heart,” it’s all articles about submitting to God that pop up.  But when i shift to images – it’s all BDSM.   Some lovely memes.  (Ok, one was a God meme.  But still…)

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A submissive is a strong, independent, talented, capable woman in her own right, yet, she hungers to please and serve her Dominant.

When she finds the right Dominant, the submissive will wear his mark on her heart and soul.  Just as she will forever be a part of His heart and soul – marked in His own way by the submissive He owns.

 

 

Sir Sets Some Rules

Sir bought a kink book and shared it with me -we’ve started using the family plan for our kindle.  That was a nice way to keep us connected.   It’s not a dreadfully literary book – so far, it’s mostly a list of the rules the Dom has for his sub.  Which is actually pretty hot, as those things tend to be.

Sir warned me already- I may have mentioned this – that i was going to have rules, but that he wanted to think about what rules he wanted and would be prepared to enforce.  Some time went by.

He told me that he was not going to punish me for breaking these as-yet-unspecificed-rules with spankings (since, you know, i do like that.)  He said that he might do what the Dom in this book we read does, which is to punish his sub by plucking out a number of single pubic hairs, an idea that makes me wince.

Yesterday, he gave me the rules.  He is starting with three rules.

Rule One:   He’s to be addressed as “Sir” when we are in the bedroom

Rule Two:  My pussy is to be shaved completely and must be kept clean shaven at all times.  Completely, like in no-landing-strip, no nothing.

Rule Three:  When we’re together and engaging in sexual activity, i’m to ask permission before i orgasm.  He says he doesn’t plan to practice orgasm restriction at this time, but may do so in the future.  He says permission is not necessary to orgasm if i’m playing with myself alone, at least not at this time.

Since the shaving requirement removes all the hair, he mentioned that’s not going to be how he punishes me – that hair pulling thing.  So that’s still open.  Um, waiting for his decision, not open to discussion.

He says there may be more rules in the future, but wants to see how it goes with these first.   Of course, i have every intention of following each rule completely, so it should be fine.  But i got a taste of the possible future when we were alone in his vehicle today.

Sir had stopped at a stop sign, and (it seemed to me) was sticking way too far out into the intersection.  He does this all the time sometimes and it kind of drives me crazy bothers me a little bit.   I almost always bite my tongue and don’t say anything, but every once in a while, i have to i feel compelled to i choose to comment.  Today, i just said, “I don’t know why you got to stop all the way out in the street like this.”

He said, “What?”

I said, maybe less confrontational-ly, “I mean, just, like, it seems like the nose of the van is kind of far out in the street.  You know.  You do that all the time.”

He said, “Well.  Hmmm.  You think I’m too far out in the street.  Well, I guess I’ll have to apologize to those other Doms.”

Me (sensing that I had perhaps mis-stepped) “Apologize to what other Doms?”

So he’s part of some Dom-peer group thing.  I knew that.  But apparently they had been talking about back seat driving being a problem for some of them.  And, um, apparently he had said that wasn’t a problem in his household.  But now he was thinking maybe he needed to re-think that.

Y’all.

{Whispers}  Do not tell him i said this.  He drives real slow.  He’s real careful to keep a safe stopping distance between his vehicle and other vehicles – which means even more slow driving.  He waits to change lanes until the very last minute, even when he already knows he has to be in the other lane.  And he stops with his van sticking out in the cross-street at red lights or stop signs sometimes.  And i almost never say a word.

But yes, ok, so i felt guilty when he told me that, about apologizing to the other Doms, and ok, i’m not going to say anything about his driving anymore.  Unless we’re about to get hit, in which case i reserve the right to gasp or say “look out!” as  needed.

Anyhow.  That’s the news from here.  Now i have to manage to shave to specifications and all will be well.

We’re having a lovely day off work for the Fourth – i went to the beach this a.m. – missed the sunrise, but also missed most of the rain.

The rest of the day has been a bit non-traditional, but very nice.  Hope you’re having a good one, wherever you are, whatever you’re doing…

 

 

 

Not So Old After All

Apparently, 62 is not too old to feel the tingles and the heat, just from his words.  We went out for dinner last night, and as we talked, i could feel myself coming alive.

Lol, i wrote that and then imagined youall going, “We know, you already told us, coming alive, tingly, yada, yada, yada, blah, blah, blah.”   Fortunately, i remembered that y’all didn’t say anything, those are my own thoughts reflected back at me.  Hmmmmm, i can be kind of mean to myself.

But we went out for dinner last night – MP and i – or maybe i should say he took me out for dinner, because he planned it (and payed) and all that.  It was somewhere we’d never been before and was really good AND he suggested we split a tiramisu for dessert, which totally shocked me, on all kinds of levels.  And he actually ate his half, so woohoo!

He was talking to me about things that he’s learning, and i was getting kind of squirmy listening to him, which made me giggle, which i haven’t done in a long time.

Anyhow.  Some suspense and anticipation building here as he sets the pace, and i begin to feel some familiar submissive urges.   Amazing.

 

 

Monday Quote

I’ve noticed that i’ve been “followed” by some Christian bloggers – lured unsuspecting by some post that i marked “spiritual, ” i suppose.  i can see how it would happen, although i think they’re going to end up shocked.

But then it occurred to me that the template i’m using has all the widegets hidden, so my “warning” that this is an adult blog didn’t show.  i’ve remedied that now, and have a sticky post entitled “Warning.”  Hopefully, that will at least warn them!

I ran across this quote the other day:

“Yet before we can surrender ourselves we must become ourselves. For no one can give up what he does not possess.”    — Thomas Merton

Thomas Merton was a Catholic monk, and i’m sure he was talking about surrendering to God, not to his Dominant.  But i always think some of the same elements are there.  i don’t feel the passionate need to talk about it that i once did, but i think i’m more sure of who i am now than i was then.

At the moment, i’m not feeling pulled to surrender myself, to give, in the same way i have in the past.  i suspect the need is still smoldering underneath somewhere, but i’m not particularly aware of it – which is good, considering i don’t have anywhere to place it right now.

I bought the latest Maren Smith book from the Masters of the Castle series – Seducing Sandy, i think.  i read it yesterday, and was a bit disappointed.  It just felt flat for me.  Maybe i’ve read too many of them.  Maybe her style of kink – the character’s – didn’t do it for me.  For whatever reason it just didn’t quite have the appeal for me that the other books in the series had.

i did mostly stay off Facebook though, so that was pretty amazing.  And it wasn’t as painful as i thought it would be.  Maybe i can still use it and not be so compulsive about it.

Back to work today, and of course i was awake at 3 a.m. driving myself crazy for no good reason.  Sigh…  That’s ok. Sleep is highly overrated.

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Sunday Silence

I have the house to myself again today – MP left on Thursday so it’s been quiet around here.

Yesterday, since i didn’t get to go to the play party, i went to the March for Our Lives, which was pretty phenomenal.  Then i took myself out for dinner, where i sat outside for the river view (all zipped up in my hoodie, cause it was windy and a bit cool.)

I had some delicious seared scallops and a glass of white wine.   And um, whipped garlic mashed potatoes.  Super yum.  Thanks to the March – and the hike back to my car – i hit my steps goal for the first time in forever, which totally made up for the mashed potatoes – yay!

New experiment today – i’m going to try to stay off Facebook all day.  (I have already been back on there 4 times since I wrote that sentence 15 minutes ago.  Sigh… But now I’ve turned off my notifications.)  It will be interesting to see how that goes!

i also spend too much time checking for comments here.  Not today.

i want to go for a walk and maybe drive out to the beach later if it doesn’t rain.   Whatever i do – whether it’s cleaning up the house a bit, which totally needs to happen, or other things (like i just ordered the new Maren Smith book, Seducing Sandy) – i want to make sure that i have time and space to feel the silence around me.

silence-mind

 

 

FFF – 3-23-18 (on Saturday)

i was getting ready to do one of those “oh, i’m a terrible person, i haven’t lost any more weight and i’m not doing the things i said i’d do and…’  And then you all would have (probably) said kind things and i would have felt cheered up but still felt like a failure.  A happier failure, but still.

On a side note, I went looking for images for “happy failure,” and was very surprised to discover that there’s a book called “Memoirs of a Happy Failure,” by Alice von Hildrebrand, whom I’d never heard of.  Apparently, it’s about her life and Catholicism  and her marriage to the philosopher Dietrich von Hildebrand, and how she saved countless college students from the evils of relativism and helped them find God.  Ok, seriously, enough of that.

However, I also discovered – possibly even more surprisingly – that Herman Melville had a book entitled “The Happy Failure.”   It’s a collection of 10 of his short stories, including one with the Happy Failure title.  Who knew?  (Um, wait – I bet Jz knew.  Just saying…)

Finally, I saw that there’s an International Day for Failure.  No kidding.  It’s October 13th.  So maybe I’ll wait til then to talk about failure so I can be part of the festivities.

And after all that research, this was the best I could find in the way of an image:

making-failure-a-happy-experience

But then i decided to go look at my actual goals and see how far off the mark I really am.  So here they are:

  • Eat lessYES!  I really am.
    • Use my stupid Fitbit to count caloriesNot doing this.
    • Reduce carbs and sugar.  Cut the obvious ones.  Pasta.  Ice Cream.   YES!  I really am doing this.
    • Eat 3 meals and 1 snack per day – no more.  Mostly doing this. My biggest problem is stretching dinner beyond its limits, so I need to stop that.  Having a few pistachios, a few cashews, a little bit of fruit -and oh, yeah, some cheese to go with that fruit, for example, when I’m really finished with dinner.
  • Move more
    • Pay attention to my stupid Fitbit when it tells me to move to get my 250 steps/hr (when possible.)  Pretty much!   Maybe not as much as I’d like, but more often than i used to.
    • Do some kind of yoga once a week. Nope.

      • Use the gift certificate I have for 3 free yoga classes – Nope.
    • Do some kind of dance once a week – Some weeks.
    • Do a walking video twice a week – Nope  But I have gone for a lot more walks, so that’s been good.
    • Spend 20-30 minutes organizing stuff at least 4 day/week Hahaha, no.
  • At least twice a week, do one of the many things on my to-do list that I’ve been putting of doing.  No Idea. I’m no longer even sure which of my lists i meant.  However, i think i am maybe creating plans that will keep me moving in the right direction, so that’s all good.

So I’m at maybe 50% of my Eat Less goal, maybe 10% of my Move More goal, and ?% on my Do Things goal.  Floating somewhere between “Terrible” and “Good Enough.”  i can live with that.  I’m still 5 pounds down.

Found this quote, which really speaks to me.

“Do you love me enough that I may be weak with you? Everyone loves strength, but do you love me for my weakness? That is the real test.”
― Alain de Botton

It resonates with me on lots of levels, you know, given my “omg, am i really responsible for every damn thing?” stance sometimes.

And it also reminds me of this time, with this one Dominant. I had hurt my knee.  Gosh, probably 12 or 13 years ago now.  i had significant knee issues back then, and sometimes i’d turn wrong or put my weight on it wrong and just wrench it.  It would balloon up and i’d get out my knee brace, pop ibuprofen and be limping for a few days.

Anyhow, we were out somewhere when it happened, just getting ready to head home, and it hurt soooo much.  So he picked me up and was carrying me to the car, while i protested “oh, i’m too heavy, you shouldn’t carry me!”  (30 pounds lighter than now.  Already thinking i was huge.)

But he’s carrying me along, and he stops a second.  He says, “I shouldn’t say this, I know it’s wrong that I feel this way, and I’m sorry you hurt your knee.  But,” he grinned, and i caught a glimpse of the predator that lived inside him, “But I kind of like it that you’re helpless.”  He set me gently in the front seat.  “I know I shouldn’t feel that way, but I just do.  I like knowing that you’re weak right now and need me to take care of you.”

I have lots of thoughts about strength and weakness and being able to take care of oneself or not, lots of categories and ways to look at it.  But that story and the look on his face when he said it, doesn’t quite fit anywhere.  So along with the other responses i had to that quote, this story popped up for me again.

I don’t have a wrap up for this.  That moment where it comes together and makes sense.  So i’ll just leave it here.  For now.

Some Other Questions

Actually, I’m kind of cheating here – there were a couple of comments on my last post that included questions, and I answered them in the comments, but now I’m thinking it might be a blog post all by itself.  First, I wanted to share this:

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And then – Amy had asked a question about spankings which led me to talk about subspace, and she wanted to know how Eric could learn to get her into subspace without a lot of pain.  Then Willie reminded me that subspace also brings the risk of subdrop, which is not so much fun.  To see their comments in full, go here.

And let me be clear – I am not some big expert on these things.  I’m speaking from my own experience, mostly, so other people might have had different experiences or disagree with me, and that’s ok.

But, in response to Amy, I said:

“Lol, I love your enthusiasm, Amy – but go read Willie’s comment first, because she’s also right, subdrop can be a thing (although if you and your husband know it might be coming, it’s easeir to deal with.) Anyhow, if you’re serious, here are some thoughts.

There are events where they have classes on how to do – stuff. I imagine you already know that. Often there’s a play party afterwards, but you wouldn’t have to go that, and if you did go, you could just watch (in a casual way) and just sort of see what it feels like. I love play parties for all kinds of reasons and even if you don’t do a thing while you’re there, you will probably be pretty ramped up afterwards. It’s like the most serious foreplay. I was at an event that had a class in spanking that I went to just for the fun of it and it was pretty fascinating. This might sound funny, but it made it clear to me why my first spankings were not what I’d had in mind.

There are also books about things like that. I can recommend some good books, but not necessarily one on teaching how to spank (not my forte, you know…) But I’m sure you already know that.

Beyond that, I think it’s experience and maybe experimentation. I’m pretty sure, in retrospect, that what happened that night was that my Dom started with a really slow warm-up, which allowed my endorphins time to kick in. As he increased the intensity, he did it in a slow and steady way ( which is why he told me to signal him if it hurt more than I expected, right?) So I got used to it. And the opiods in my system came out and were all floating around and – beyond that, I don’t know what happened. I dont’ really understand what subspace is, other than this lovely thing that happens. But I think it was the warm-up and then the slow, steady pace that did it.

I’ve experienced supspace through the use of rope too, which can be a really sensual and intense experience, so you might see if Eric is at all interested in Shibari. And I’ve experienced it through painful spankings but I’m not a big pain slut either so maybe it doesn’t take that much. I would speculate that you can’t get there as well through punishment spankings, but it’s pure speculation. I know you and Eric have been at this a few years (yay for you!!) and so you may have done this a bunch of times. But has he tried spanking you with different implements, not to see which is the worst, but to see which you like the best?

Ok, I’ve written a blog post here, and you probably already know lots of it. But good luck playing with it! Also, if you’re in the southeastern US, email me if you want recommendations for events. ❤”

Then Lindsey asked me if the same Dom had given me that experience again.  I said:

Yes, he did, although the other times I most remember were with rope and not spanking. He was really an expert in Shibari and I can still remember the feel of the rope on my skin as he created a “dress” or other patterns. I was looking for an article just a minute ago to describe what they call it when they work from the waist down – harness? I don’t think that’s right… But anyhow, I found this article that talks specifically about the mesmerizing effect of rope.   http://www.artofcontemporaryshibari.com/?page_id=29 I love that it says:

“In addition to creating beautiful patterns, with rope, body and limb placements, Shibari rigging induces physiological conditions known as “sub space” and “top space”, which are similar to the “runners high” experienced by athletes. A Shibari experience results in an increased level of endorphins and other hormones, creating a trance-like experience for the bottom/model and an adrenaline rush for the Top/rigger. When a Shibari scene is performed with appropriate ambience, these effects are actually visible in the face of the model. The term “rope drunk” is sometimes affectionately used to describe the euphoric condition of the model after a Shibari experience.”

Anyhow. We did some suspension bondage too, which was amazing, and – well, thanks for asking. Those are some lovely memories to unfold. ❤

And I was thinking – not for the first time, but in that “here we go round the spiral” way – that between leaving my church and not practicing BDSM, I don’t have anywhere to hang my spirituality – nowhere to call my spiritual home.  I’m still spiritual, but I don’t feel like I really have a community.  Now there’s a goal…

*If you can’t see the meme, there’s a steaming cup of coffee, with a deep purple flower across the saucer.   It says:

A riding crop and a blindfold doesn’t make it

BDSM.  There is a big difference between being

kinky and being in the scene.  It’s not a sexual thing

to me, it’s a very spiritual thing.

~ DominaBlue