After: Chapter 1

One Year Later…

She wouldn’t have remembered that this was the anniversary except for Facebook.   But the memory popped up on there, “One year ago today…” and there was the image she posted that day.  It read:

She stood in the storm 
and when the wind did not blow her way,
she adjusted her sails.

She smiled, thinking about her feelings the day her relationship with Don had ended, and the way her life had changed since then.  She had missed him more than she expected to, missed their friendship.  He had been a comfortable companion, and she was lonesome sometimes.

But when he messaged her about 6 months after he’d moved out, messaged her trying to start a conversation, she’d been cool and distant.    After all, they weren’t really friends anymore.  Friends didn’t sneak around and have romantic relationships behind your back, then up and leave you without warning.

Apparently the fires had cooled with Little Tootsie.  Don was lonesome.  Not happy.  He just wanted to see her, just wanted to talk.  She turned down three invitations – dinner, drinks, and coffee – before he told her that he had been hoping they could – how did he put it?  Take another shot at it?

No.  That was not happening.  And she’d told him so, gently but clearly.  And that had been the end of that.

She thought that had been the end of her connection to the world of kink too.  Well, not completely the end of her connection, because she still knew people involved in the lifestyle, Doms and subs and switches, furries and littles, people practicing all the variations of BDSM.  But now she wondered if she’d end up more involved than she ever had been.

She and her friend Connie had been having coffee last week when Connie said, “You’re still building up your coaching business, aren’t you?  Still taking new clients?”

“Yes,” Ada said, “I’m doing ok, but I’m always open to new clients.” 

“I think you ought to go talk to Josh at the club.”  “The club” was the local venue for kink play, also known as “the dungeon.”  Ada knew Josh, the owner, but not well.

“Talk to Josh?  For what?”

“Last night,” Connie said, glancing around the coffee shop to make sure no one was listening, “He was telling me that he’s having a lot of trouble with the staff.  Lots of arguments – just stupid stuff.  People on the day shift accusing the night shift of not doing their sidework, night shift complaining about the day shift not filling the salt shakers – just stupid stuff. 

Ada laughed, “You can’t have a day shift and a night shift without some of that.   How is this different?”

“I don’t know,” Connie said.  “I guess maybe there’s more to it than that.  All I know is what Josh was telling me last night.  He said he was thinking about hiring a mediator or something, someone to come in and get them to all start working together, like a team instead of like enemies.  I told him he needed a life coach, someone that understood people and communication styles and all that stuff you do.  In fact,” Connie looked at the table, picked up her spoon a bit nervously, then put it back down, “In fact, I might have said I had a friend who was just the person he needed.”

“You did what?” Ada asked.

Connie glanced back up at Ada, trying to gauge her friend’s reaction.  Was relieved to see Ada smile.

“Um, I told him I had a friend who could help him sort out his problems with the staff.  I told him you had lots of experience working with teams of people who weren’t getting along, and I told him that you were – well, I didn’t tell him you were a sub, but I told him you were familiar with the lifestyle, I said that part of it wouldn’t be an issue for you.” 

“Oh.  Oh, my.  Well, that’s certainly interesting.  And pretty cool, really.  Yeah, actually, that sounds like it would be blast.  The more Ada considered it, the more exciting the possibility sounded.  “Thanks, Connie, that’s awesome!  Did you give him my number, or what?”

“No,” Connie bit her lip, “I told him I’d talk to you and you’d call him.  I hope that was ok.”

“Sure – of course – yes!  I can do that.  Thanks for telling me about it – thanks for telling him about me.  That’s pretty cool, actually.  I’ll call him today.” 

Ada was intrigued, and a little bit excited.  It had been years since she’d been to the club, but just thinking about it brought back such rich memories.  The sound of leather landing with a THWAP.  The sights – naked flesh, spanking benches, the St Andrews cross at one end of the room.  Memories of the times she’d been tied to the cross, flogged.  The screams and moans and…

“Ada?”  Connie’s voice brought her back.  “Are you ok?”

Ada shook herself a bit.  She felt like she’d slipped into a dream for a second there.  Maybe this wasn’t such a great idea after all.  But – but it sounded like fun.

“No, yes, I’m fine,” she said, realizing that Connie was waiting for her answer, looking at her anxiously.  “I just – gosh, it’s been a long time since I’ve even been in the dungeon.”

“Yeah,” Connie nodded.  “Seems like you quit going right after you met Don.”

“I did.  Don wasn’t interested in public play, or the community for that matter, and I was so happy with him at first that I didn’t even miss going to play parties and stuff.  Then when things changed between us, I just dealt with that, I didn’t even think about going back to the club.  Now, it’s been so long, I don’t even know if I’m submissive anymore.”

Connie shook her head, “I don’t think that ever changes.  It’s like a time bomb inside you, just waiting to get activated.”

Ada thought about that as she looked in the mirror.  She was almost ready for her first meeting with Josh.  As a life coach, wearing a business suit wasn’t part of the drill.  She could wear black skinny jeans and a tunic every day of the week if she wanted to.  But today she’d dressed up just a bit.  A black skirt and purple sweater, with her black boots.  At 61, she wasn’t wearing 3 inch heels anymore, but they were cute boots anyhow.  And purple was still her color.

She’d let her hair go gray, and it curled softly.  It was in the sweet spot of a perm, not too curly, not getting ragged and frizzy yet.  Maybe she’d dye it purple, or get some streaks anyhow, but for now, this worked.

Josh had sounded carefully interested on the phone.  Not ready to commit to anything – and of course not, why would he?  But interested in talking about what was going on at the club and what he thought he needed. 

So – car key.  Purse.  Jacket.  Bottle of water, and out the door.  “It will be interesting to see what happens,” Ada told herself, adding, as she usually did, “Whatever happens, it’s gonna be ok.”

 

After: A BDSM Fantasy

Introduction

He had left her.  Ada didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.  This was totally unexpected.  Not all bad, of course.  Not all bad.  Financially, she would be ok.  They didn’t have children together, so that wasn’t an issue.  Her children, both grown and on their own, might miss him at Christmas and birthday get togethers, but they could always befriend him if they wanted to.

She would miss the companionship.  He was pleasant to be around, and he had seemed to care about her.  She had even adapted to his medical issues, had gotten used to physical intimacy being rare.  There had been a couple of years when she had struggled with it. Tried to renew the intimacy, re-find some of the passion of the early days together.   And occasionally, it looked like it was going to work.  But in the long run, it didn’t, it petered out again, (a phrase that always made her giggle, and then feel embarrassed at being that silly.)

A 30 year old.  He had left her for some little tootsie half his age.  Apparently, the combination of wide-eyed hero worship and perky tits had heated his blood enough to inspire some passion. 

Ada had been mildly irritated to see their text message exchange, popping up on his phone unexpectedly.  She would have been open to him having an affair, would have been fine with an open relationship.  But Little Tootsie wanted more.  Ada shrugged.  Whatever.  Little Tootsie was welcome to him.

Ada was already 60, the passions that drove her in her 40s and 50s no longer seemed pressing.  She was going to be content living on her own.  With a few good friends, a cat for company at home, lots of interests, and a career she enjoyed, it would all be good. 



Yikes

Remember when y’all encouraged me to ask for my toys back?  Yeah.

So I did that.  And then it set off a reaction, a chain reaction, and suddenly – like a kaleidoscope – things are different.  With a quick turn of the wheel, from this:

images      to this            images-1

 

 

 

 

 

Just that quickly.

I had kind of forgotten that, a long time ago, back when MP was my Sir, I had given him the passwords to my fetlife profile and my olivia email.  And the link to this blog.  Gulp.

Not that I actually had anything to hide – I have not done anything wrong.  Haven’t done anything that I feel guilty about.

But that might have been hard to believe.  I talked about some stuff, for sure.  And I talked to some people.  And some of the posts I’ve done might have been hard to read.   It might have been a difficult weekend for both of us.  Ok, it was a difficult weekend.

With lots of painful conversation.  And explanations.  And more conversation.

I was really not sure where we were going to land.

But this kind of amazing thing happened.

He understood.

No, not just “he said he did.”  He really did.

He wants to try again with the D/s relationship.  Which would have just made me skeptical, but – he’s going to get some Dom coaching.   (Yes, that’s a thing!)  So that he can work through his own stuff and we’ll have a chance to really make it work.

Wow.  That made me a believer.

I want to respect his privacy, so I’ll stop there, but I think that is sooooo cool, I just about can’t stand it.

Of course, there’s no guarantees on anything and who knows where we’ll end up.  It’s taken me a little while to even begin to let myself be open to the possibilities.  It’s kind of scary – um, I’m a bit scared.

I had shut myself off from him so thoroughly.  To protect myself, you know.  To protect my heart and my submissive little soul.   (Don’t laugh, you know it’s true!)

I didn’t want to open again.  Seriously, I didn’t.

But i am.  I can feel it starting – it makes me think of the scene in The Secret Garden, after she finds the garden when she’s looking at the plants – do you know what I’m talking about?  If you’ve read that book, you might remember.  Of course I don’t have the book with me, but it’s when she’s first in the garden and she sees that flowers are starting to push up through the ground and begins to clear away the weeds that have grown up over them.  And she’s not sure she’s doing the right thing, but just feels like they need room to breathe and grow.  She’s so amazed that the flowers are still there.

I guess it sounds silly, but that’s a little bit how I feel now.  Like i can make space for feelings i’d tried to bury.  Like springtime.

Anyhow.  He’s still MP right now.  Nothing has really changed yet.  But yikes – the possibilities!!!

 

 

Sex, Power, and Leadership: An online Conference {Free}

Sex, Power, and Leadership:

A Free Online Conference 

It occurs to me that some of you might be interested in this free online conference which starts Monday.  I should have mentioned it sooner, but better late than… you know, never.

Consensual Power Exchange as an Antidote to Patriarchy is one of the segments.  The line up of amazing speakers for this part is Lee Harrington and Midori, who are classic instructors and gurus in BDSM along with a couple of other people I hadn’t heard of, Kali Williams and Laura Antoniou, who might be equally famous.

The Power of Birth and Medicine: Where Sex and Power Intersect and Sex, Power & Trauma in Gynecology, Birth, & Motherhood also looked super interesting to me.  Ok, actually, it all looked super interesting to me.  Because I am a maniac, I spent the $100 to get the videos too, with workbooks for journaling and such.   I think the audio and workbooks package is $50, but I’m hoping to catch a lot of it “live.”  {Most of the presentations are videos, but the group watching is live and I’m assuming there’s an opportunity for interaction there.}

Anyhow.  Just wanted to pass that on.

Thanks for the support yesterday, I am feeling less like pond scum, which is nice.  I had started a different post, and will come back to it, I’m sure, but wanted to share the conference right away.

 

 

 

 

Things I forgot…

I forgot how much i love this song:

In case you can’t see it, or it won’t play, it’s Bob Marley doing Three Little Birds.  “Don’t worry, ’bout a thing, cause every little thing, gonna be alright…”

I forgot how much more fun it is to do dishes and other mundane chores when listening to reggae.  And –

I forgot how much better i sleep if i give myself a little orgasm before I go to sleep.  I mean, I have my Magic Wand next to my bed for a reason.  But too often, even when i’ve kind of revved myself up a bit before I lie down, i still fall asleep about as quick as my head hits the pillow.  Y’all, even using the wand begins to feel like a chore.  Silly, because –

I forgot how damn easy it is to have an orgasm.  I mean, a quick fantasy –

“But it is time,” he says.  Firmly.  Gently, but firmly.  “Go ahead and pull up your skirt and pull down your panties.”

i don’t want to do this, i don’t.  And yet the thought of doing it makes me shiver with anticipation, and i know that if i touched myself, i would be wet.  So i do it, i pull my skirt up so my ass is exposed and tuck it into the waistband before he even tells me to.

i hook my thumbs in my panties and pull them down to my knees, widening my stance so the panties stop there.  He doesn’t need to tell me to do that, i know what he wants me to do.

i’m facing the corner already, i can feel him behind me.  “Step back,” he says, “two small steps back.”

i step cautiously, not sure if i’m going to bump into him, but he steps back too.  “Now,” he says, “both hands against the wall.   That’s it.  No, bend your arms, I want you leaning forward.  Push your ass out more.  That’s it.  Offer me your ass.”

It’s just a bit awkward, and definitely humiliating.

“Get comfortable,” he says, which makes me roll my eyes.  “Once we get started, I’ll want you to hold your position.  I don’t want you wiggling around.”

“Yes, Sir,” i say, and i do shift my weight some to make sure i’ll be able to maintain the stance.

“Ready?” he asks.

“Yes, Sir,” i say, making sure my tone is pleasant and cooperative.  i don’t like the consequences when i forget to do that.

“We’ll start with the ruler,” he says and there is no time for breath before it lands, hitting both cheeks hard.   The second  blow is lower, the third lands above the first one.  i’m gasping already, the stinging burn driving away all thought, filling my world.

***********

In the meantime, the lovely wand pressed to just the right spots, one hand on a nipple, and that’s all I need – that scenario – and Whoosh!!   A lovely little orgasm that leaves me more relaxed than i’ve been in days.

Thank you, universe.  I’ll try not to forget!

 

 

 

BDSM History for Fun

A friend of mine posted an article on FB with these amazing pictures of dominatrix from the old days of BDSM.  They’re pretty fun to look at.  Here’s the link:

https://dangerousminds.net/comments/vintage_photographs_of_dominatrixes

Here are a couple of the pictures.

sexy-cruel-vintage-femdom-mistress-photograph-am

dom1hkjhkjhkkhkhkhkhkhhhhhhh_465_651_int

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I think they’re both pretty cool, but my favorite is the blonde. There’s something about the precision of her stance, the way the crop intersects the black triangle of her lingerie, and the whites of her thighs above her boots…  just lovely.

I wish they had posted a little bit about each of them, but they didn’t, so I’ll just have to wonder who they were, if they were really Doms or if they were models.  In either case, it would have been an interesting photo shoot

Watch This – Dungeon Fantasy 1

“Do you wish it were you?” he asks.

Without taking my eyes off the scene unfolding before me, i shrug.  “I dunno.  Maybe.”

“Is that how you answer me?” he asks, and there is laughter in his tone, but also a sharpness that had not been there before.

i turn to look at him.  “I’m sorry, Sir,” i say quickly.  “I – i really don’t know if i wish that was me.  Maybe, but I’m not sure, Sir.”

He nods, “That’s a better answer.  Let’s watch here a few more minutes, then we’ll move to something else.”

I turn my attention back to the woman in front of us.  She is at one of the stations in the dungeon, on her knees.  A man is fucking her from behind, another man is seated in front of her and i know she is sliding her mouth up and down his cock, although all i can see is the rhythmic motion of her head.  We are close enough that i can hear her moans, slightly muffled by the cock in her mouth.

The man next to me fists his hand in my hair, holding my head in place.  A whimper escapes me.  “What do you think you might like about that?” he asks.

“Oh,” my mouth suddenly so dry i can barely speak, “oh, i think, i think it would feel very -” i lick my lips, “very , um full.”

He releases my hair and offers me a glass of water.  “Drink.”  He holds it to my lips – well, I could not have taken it since my hands are cuffed and attached to the belt around my waist, so he holds it to my lips.

I drink, gratefully.   And remember to say,”thank you, Sir,” when he withdraws the glass.

“I think,” he says, “that it would feel more full if she also had a butt plug in her ass.  Keep watching her – don’t you think that would be even more full?”

“Ye-yes, Sir,” i say and my voice is shaky.

“Have you ever done that?” he asks.  “Been filled in all your holes at the same time?”

“No, Sir, i haven’t.”  i am shaking my head too, “no, Sir.”

“Well, not yet,” he says, and i hear the smile in his voice.  “Do you think you will – do you think you would like it?”  And then he adds, “‘I don’t know’ is not an acceptable answer, girl.  I’m asking if you think you would like it – obviously either way your answer might be wrong.  What do you think?  Would you like to be fucked with a butt plug in your ass and another man’s cock filling your mouth?”

i don’t think i can answer, but i remember to turn and look at him.  There is something about his face, his eyes on me with such curiosity, and so i say, “yes, yes, Sir, i think maybe i would.”

And then i’m embarrassed – i wish the floor would open up and swallow me, i can’t believe i just said that and what kind of person would even think they might like that, much less say it out loud?  But he smiles and says, “Good girl,” and all the shame slips away and i smile back.

“Thank you, Sir,” i say, and he nods like he understands why i would say that.

“Come on,” he says, “let’s go see what you might like in the way of being spanked.”  He stands, and i manage to stand too, although i’m a bit wobbly, between the heels i’m wearing and my hands being secured at my sides.

I’m wearing a corset that raises my breasts, as if offering them, and it’s obvious through the sheer material of my dress that my nipples are hard.  He glances at them and grins.  Bring his hand up toward my right nipple, coming closer as if he might pinch it, or flick it.  My nipple tingles, getting harder, anticipating the touch.

He stops.  His hand stops, a breath away from my nipple.  “Do you think you would like it if I touched your nipple?”

i swallow, barely able to breathe, looking at his hand, still so close to my nipple which is  poking at the material of my dress like it’s inviting him to play with it.  “Yes, Sir,” i say, swallowing hard again, “I would like it.”

He smiles, and drops his hand.  “Good girl,” he says, and i almost whimper again, with desire and longing.

“Follow me,” he says.  “See if you can stay just a step or two behind me.  I think Ms. Constance is going to start her caning demonstration in a minute.  I don’t want you to miss that.”

“Yes, Sir,” i say, following behind him like a baby duck, trying to stay close enough without actually stepping on his heels.