Sad Days and Me

MP’s daughter is sick – one of his daughters, the one who lives far away. Cancer that was in remission spread – and the doctors are offering a fairly pessimistic prognosis. Of course they’re not always right, but she’s pretty sick.

MP is tough, but you know. I’m worried and distressed, and she was already in her 30s when I met her. MP is generally pretty zen. But this… And she’s so far away. I know we can travel, and I’m sure we will at some point, but travel isn’t easy for MP. And, as he says, there isn’t anything he can do.

It hurts my heart.

Her sister is going to her. So that’s good. And she’s optimistic and brave.

Anyhow. This is all new this week, so don’t think, ”Oh, no wonder she hasn’t been writing.” Nope, that’s not what has kept me away from here. Nothing has really, except I’ve been marketing more and that takes up a bunch of time.

And I’ve been in some kind of mood – I don’t know. I think I might be really depressed. I feel like I’d just like to quit working. I don’t want to see clients one after the other, which is what I do at my part-time job. My clients are brilliant and wonderful, it’s not them. There’s a bit of assembly line flavor – not when I’m with them – but afterwards. That bothers me. And I don’t want to do more marketing to get my own clients. I just don’t.

I don’t think I want to work at all. I don’t know what I’d do with myself if i weren’t doing that, and quitting isn’t an option, so it doesn’t really matter. Unless I win the lottery, I’ll be doing some kind of work til the day I die. Or the day I can’t, which ever comes first.

Old age is not for the feint of heart. I know I’ve said that here before, but it’s worth repeating.

I have been reading Existential Kink, but I haven’t done any of the meditation yet. You know, I like to find things that might make my life better and then not do them. (Note: That’s a story I tell myself that actually holds me back. I’m attached to that story though.)

Anyhow. I had a next part to my last fantasy in my mind – the one where he’s playing with her and talking about exposing her to his co-worker. But every time I thought about starting it, I would remind myself that I really needed to write some vanilla blog posts instead, and then I wouldn’t write anything.

And so it goes… (Said in Linda Ellerbee tones.)

8 thoughts on “Sad Days and Me

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