I’ve been struggling to write about my recent experiences with my Sir. I don’t know exactly why I’m struggling. There are some things between us that are too private to share, but there are others that aren’t. But there’s not a lot of ups and downs or difficulty. And I’m not sure you want to hear about how wonderful he is and how good for me our relationship is over and over again.

For example – I’m seeing real results from the rules he’s set for me. I can get down on the floor, kneel, rocking back on my heels, and get back up with some grace. I can do two yoga poses – child pose and downward dog. My Fitbit says my walking pace is faster, my heart is working more efficiently. My sleep scores consistently range from the high 80’s to the mid 90’s. That makes me happy – but I can’t just talk about that all the time.

I’ve never had rules that were designed to support my well-being. Capricious rules, based on a Dom’s whims – I’ve had those. And – honestly – that can be sexy and fun. But Sir’s rules are for my well-being.

Spanking is also for my well-being, and for his pleasure. So I’ve been an enthusiastic practitioner. Whether I have full privacy and a chance to use the belt (and the wooden spoon) or almost full privacy using the hanger, I have taken the opportunity.

That’s been satisfying. I have rarely gotten spanked ‘enough’ but 2 or 3 times a week is a pretty good cadence. There was a ritual to follow and clear directions. I knew what to do before, during, and afterwards – and I loved it. But…

…sometimes, I haven’t had much time. So I’ve rushed. There are some rules and protocols around the spanking, and I began to make mistakes. Miss a step, forget one part or another.

Finally, one day – it was actually a punishment spanking – I didn’t have a lot of time. I made a mistake early on, went back and redid it. So I was going fast and feeling a bit off and – I’m still embarrassed to admit this – I over spanked myself. Instead of the number of rounds I was required to do, I lost track. A couple of times. And ended up going way above and beyond.

I didn’t even realize it until Sir pointed it out. He wasn’t upset about it, and yes, over-delivering is considered a bonus in some situations, but I felt stupid. The more I thought about it, the worse I felt. I chided myself, ‘Who does that? Who loses track of what she’s doing and over-spanks herself? Ridiculous. What’s wrong with you?’

“What’s wrong with you?” echoed in my brain until I began to spiral. I knew he wasn’t upset with me about it, but the rabbit hole was looming ahead of me. On the path from ‘What’s wrong with you’ to – something’s really wrong with you – why would he want to deal with this – he doesn’t want to deal with you,’ I stopped short.

I remembered that when I felt this way, I needed to tell my Sir. I thought of 10 good reasons not to tell him (all related to ‘why would he want to deal with this’) and reminded myself that was exactly why I had to tell him.

Imagine my relief to find that Sir had already seen the problem – and he didn’t think the problem was me. In his view the problem was that my eagerness to please him by ‘taking every opportunity,’ had created (unnecessary, self-inflicted) pressure that led me to spanking myself when I was rushed and anxious – which pretty much always leads me to make mistakes.

So I have a new protocol. ‘An opportunity to practice’ means full privacy with enough time not to feel rushed or anxious. A few other small changes – a slower reflection on the instruments I’m using, some reflection afterwards, will also slow me down and increase my mindfulness.

I haven’t had a chance to try it yet – and as I wrote this, I thought of more questions for Sir on how to implement it. Plus, I’m a little concerned that I won’t have enough opportunities. But what even is ‘enough?’ Um, yes, I might be a bit greedy.

One thing I know. If the things we do aren’t good for my well-being, Sir will find ways to change them. I can rest confidently in his hands. Feeling as if I were sitting on the floor at his feet, safe and content.