Perspective

/ olivia

Some of you may remember that once upon a time, not really that long ago, I was firmly committed to the idea that I needed a Dom to Dom me; that to experience the pleasures of submission, there had to be a Dom physically present to inflict all the pleasure/pain. Since then, I’ve moved far away from that concept (as many other people had already done.). Being Dom’ed from afar is not that different from in person in many ways. And can bring all the joy.

The other day, I was talking to a submissive woman who had not had extensive in person contact with Doms – or lots of on-line contact either. She had begun exploring the pleasures that I think of as submitting from a more sensual approach. Experimenting on her own, she was able to identify many things that she really enjoyed.

I’ve been thinking about those two aspects of BDSM. One of them involves more submission – the relational aspect. The other involves the physical/sexual experience, and I’m going to call that the sensual aspect. 

I have always focused on the relational part. Even now, Sir will ask me how I felt about something, I’ll say it aroused me, and he’ll want to know if I enjoyed it or if it was more because it pleased him. Often it is a mix of those things, sometimes leaning one way or the other.

But now I have all kinds of questions. 

  • Why was I so insistent that someone else had to physically do all the things to me?
  • What kept me from exploring a bit on my own – particularly all those years I was deprived.
  • Would spanking myself, without any Dom at all, have made me happier and more satisfied?
  • Now that I recognize that I can just explore a bit on my own, are there things I want to do?
  • Or – wait a minute – if I need permission for some things, then can I explore on my own? Hmmmm {wanders off thinking)

14 thoughts on “Perspective”

  1. Your writing always describes the more relational aspect. The giving to another seems almost a fundamental part of that.
    As for the sensual, this could be a conversation with those you submit to. If I were they, I’d be interested in your desires and would want to help you explore them, less permission, more encouragement and care.
    Thank you once again, for an interesting and thought provoking post. 😡

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  2. i practiced self tying for a while – Master doesn’t have the patience for it but i do and i enjoy the sensation. Master was more than happy to see my pictures of course! lol 🙂 i think self exploration of any sort is a fantastic and fulfilling adventure, with permission of course! *smiles*

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  4. Now you’ve got me curious too, my friend. I want to make sure that I understand what you mean though. Are you saying that you didn’t feel comfortable exploring yourself sexually (without a Dom)? If this is the case, boy do I have some suggestions for you! First, you must get yourself some nipple nibbler (a stimulating gel that you put on your nipples that provides the most delicious stimulation). I greatly enjoyed exploring nipple pleasure on my own. Second, do you have a bath tub? Masterbating in the tub was a whole new experience for me. Definitely worth the water that will splash on the floor and need to be cleaned up later. Oooh…and wax play! There are candles made just for sex play and I enjoyed learning to use those. As you can see, your kinky friend is full of ideas of things you can do to explore yourself sexually. LOL. I’ve probably overshared here. XOXO

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    • Great question. I don’t think it was that I didn’t feel comfortable exactly. I just – it’s like I didn’t see the point. I could have an orgasm pretty easily, that was a clear path, so when I did anything, I did that. If someone had said, well don’t you want to try wax play on yourself? I would have been like, “On myself? Why?” I’m definitely wondering why now. Very strange…

      Those are all great suggestions, and I will definitely try the nipple stuff. I have masturbated in the tub, and we even have jets for my bathing pleasure, so I do know a bit about that. Honestly, I’ll have to think about what else I want to do. Thanks for the suggestions!! (And no, it was not TMI.)
      💜.

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      • LOL… I am the Queen of TMI! I wonder if you were struggling to embrace your sexuality (your sexuality as an individual, not part of a duo), or if it was more black/white thinking (those sorts of things are only for couples, etc.). Or perhaps battling messages from early in life about women and sex? I’ll be curious to hear more as you explore this! Oh, and I have one other suggestion of something to try by yourself…but perhaps I’ll share that one privately… XOXO

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  5. Very interesting Olivia. I love how you describe the relational and sensual sides. I guess I never really thought about how the sensual side at least could work without a present Dom. The relational side, perhaps. Firstly, it’s wonderful to see how rewarding you have found being Dom’ed from afar. You and Sir Jon have definitely opened my eyes to this.

    As for your questions above, I think the ones that matter are the last two, in discussion with Sir Jon of course.

    Hugs
    Roz

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    • Yeah, I agree – “where do I go from here” is almost always more important than “why didn’t I” ones.

      I can totally relate to your surprise about how a long distance D/s relationship can actually work. I wouldn’t have believed it either! My life seems a bit surreal sometimes… in a good way.
      💜

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