Woohoo – I may be on the upswing! No, really. I took a step back from what I was doing and spent some time taking care of myself in real basic ways. I left the house every day. I worked in coffee shops instead of just sitting at my desk. I went to the park. I cooked real food and ate it with the family. I cleaned my refrigerator.
I realized that a couple of things I’ve been fooling with, that I thought were going to jump start my business, aren’t going to. And they aren’t what I really intend to do anyhow. So I need to quit
piddling around thinking another organization or company is going to save me, and re-focus on what I really believe I’m called to do.
You have no idea what a scary prospect that is for me. The fear of failure is huge. And not just failure, as in “well, that didn’t work the way I’d thought it would.” No, it’s the whole, “if I don’t succeed at this then I’m worthless and nothing I’ve ever done was really any good and nothing ever will be,” negative core belief. I know that’s not rational – the belief doesn’t live in the logical part of my brain. But it’s alive and well in my feelings.
Yes, that is the exact kind of belief that I help other people work through and not believe. Yes, it is a clear case of “Healer, heal yourself.” If I were still where I used to live, I would be seeing JM, the wise and wonderful therapist I saw for a long time. But that’s not an option and I don’t know that I have the energy to start over with someone new. Oh – or the money, at the moment. So there’s that.
Anyhow. I realized (again) that it’s not about whether I succeed or not, it’s important to do what I think I can do. I have a message, a mission of sorts, and I just need to put myself out there and see what happens. If it’s pretty much all just in my head right now, I can’t actually complain that no one’s interested in it. Right?
What does that have to do with FFF 2.0? Well, all that basic self-care is reflected in my stats. Step average is a whopping 6,935! (7,000 is my current goal.) And I hit my activity goal 5 days in a row. My scale says 166 – ok, it’s not that good, but it’s not 167, and more importantly, I don’t feel so much like a fat slug anymore. Plus, it was doing those physical things that helped me get clear mentally.
Getting ready to start the weekend feeling good, planning more activity and working hard to reach my goals. AND there may be a walk on the beach in my not-too-distant future.