FFF 2.0 – 3-29

Sisyphus.

In Greek mythology Sisyphus or Sisyphos was the king of Ephyra. He was punished for his self-aggrandizing craftiness and deceitfulness by being forced to roll an immense boulder up a hill only for it to roll down when it nears the top, repeating this action for eternity.

Wikipedia

Y’all. I have even used this analogy before – I don’t remember if it was here or in one of my other blogs from a different life phase, but – sigh – I’ve been here before.

The spiral of growth, right? I’ve reached the stupid Sisyphus stage again.

What does all this have to do with FFF? Well, you know, I’m fat rather than fit. (Bwhahaha) Step count is 5,400, which is actually within my average range.

And – I feel disconnected and disengaged again. Not connected with my body, with my self, with my own power. I’m making zero progress on my work goals – and I have some very specific steps I could take. If I could only shake off this soul sucking lethargy that I’m experiencing.

Would a spanking do it? Is it really that I’ve lost touch with that submissive part of myself and I need it? I am not feeling any sense of purpose. I don’t feel like I have anything to offer the world that anyone would want. I have that thought, and I immediately crave ice cream. Or sleep.

Whine, whine, whine. Yes, I would like some cheese with that wine, thank you very much.

I would tell you that I’m totally asexual at this point – and that’s true. Unless I read one of Cass Wintermute’s spanking stories. Or David’s. Or start a fantasy in my own head. Then all those sexual parts perk right up and pay attention and do all the things they’re supposed to do. So I haven’t completely lost it. But for all practical purposes, I have.

No, I’m not doing that thing where I reach out to MP again. I’m not. (Digs heels in…) The good times are great, but it takes so frigging long to get there and they’re so frigging brief and it hurts so much when they fade away again. No. He and I are getting along well and connecting in lots of other ways and I have NO reason to believe he wants anything else.

And it takes a tremendous toll on me, emotionally and psychologically, when I let hope build up and then I have to tamp it back down and let it go. This was the last time for that. Don’t misunderstand me, lots of other things have changed for MP and he continues to take more initiative and be lots more engaged in lots of other things. But not anything remotely D/s. Not one single, solitary anything. I’m not riding that particular emotional roller coaster again.

Ok. So I have to find another way to reconnect with my body and get back in shape. Are you getting that deja-vu again feeling? Yep. Me too…

6 thoughts on “FFF 2.0 – 3-29

  1. oh I’m so so sorry to hear that you’re feeling so disconnected from it all. Is there something else that’s causing you to feel this way? A stress that’s coming in from another front that you’re not seeing?

    I want to say it’ll pass – and I’m pretty certain it will, but these things can take a week or a year and I’m not sure after a long period of “blah”ness one doesn’t just get used to the new normal and accept that it is what it is.

    I hope to heck it’s not the case for you. If it helps any, my recent thing has been edging. It’s a stupid way to inflict discontent on myself… but it helps me feel the submission, so… that brings contentment I suppose?

    I’m not really certain what it is that’s up with your libido (or down…) so i’m not going to try and help. But I *am* sending you positive (and energetic) thoughts! *hugs*

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hey, Fondles – yeah, there are lots of things going on. The things I’m doing to try to get clients aren’t working – and there are a lot of things I could be trying that I just think about and don’t do. I think I’m afraid that if I try them and it doesn’t work, then it’s really hopeless. And something happened with someone who I had looked up to and respected that was super disappointing, and lots of people I know are struggling with this too, and turning on each other when they disagree and it’s just disheartening.

      Lol, edging is lovely. Yeah, my libido has pretty much always been reactive rather than proactive. There have been very few times in my life when I wanted sex without something external initiating it. You know, someone finding me attractive, and letting me know, can be enough to get me started. But MP almost never even gives me compliments like that – shoot, if I ask him if I look ok when I’ve gotten all dolled up, he’ll be like, “Yes, that looks ok..” Lol. But that’s really just how he is.

      ‘Thanks for the input and the hugs, fondles… ❤

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  2. Ughhh! … not sure that I can say anything that will help, Olivia … so instead I will send hugs and hopes that your life spark will return … ♥ … nj … xx

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you, Roz. On some level, I’m sure this is just AFOG (Another Frigging Opportunity for Growth) but that doesn’t make it less painful in the moment. I appreciate the hugs!! ❤

      Like

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