In Greek mythology Sisyphus or Sisyphos was the king of Ephyra. He was punished for his self-aggrandizing craftiness and deceitfulness by being forced to roll an immense boulder up a hill only for it to roll down when it nears the top, repeating this action for eternity.Wikipedia
Y’all. I have even used this analogy before – I don’t remember if it was here or in one of my other blogs from a different life phase, but – sigh – I’ve been here before.
The spiral of growth, right? I’ve reached the stupid Sisyphus stage again.
What does all this have to do with FFF? Well, you know, I’m fat rather than fit. (Bwhahaha) Step count is 5,400, which is actually within my average range.
And – I feel disconnected and disengaged again. Not connected with my body, with my self, with my own power. I’m making zero progress on my work goals – and I have some very specific steps I could take. If I could only shake off this soul sucking lethargy that I’m experiencing.
Would a spanking do it? Is it really that I’ve lost touch with that submissive part of myself and I need it? I am not feeling any sense of purpose. I don’t feel like I have anything to offer the world that anyone would want. I have that thought, and I immediately crave ice cream. Or sleep.
Whine, whine, whine. Yes, I would like some cheese with that wine, thank you very much.
I would tell you that I’m totally asexual at this point – and that’s true. Unless I read one of Cass Wintermute’s spanking stories. Or David’s. Or start a fantasy in my own head. Then all those sexual parts perk right up and pay attention and do all the things they’re supposed to do. So I haven’t completely lost it. But for all practical purposes, I have.
No, I’m not doing that thing where I reach out to MP again. I’m not. (Digs heels in…) The good times are great, but it takes so frigging long to get there and they’re so frigging brief and it hurts so much when they fade away again. No. He and I are getting along well and connecting in lots of other ways and I have NO reason to believe he wants anything else.
And it takes a tremendous toll on me, emotionally and psychologically, when I let hope build up and then I have to tamp it back down and let it go. This was the last time for that. Don’t misunderstand me, lots of other things have changed for MP and he continues to take more initiative and be lots more engaged in lots of other things. But not anything remotely D/s. Not one single, solitary anything. I’m not riding that particular emotional roller coaster again.
Ok. So I have to find another way to reconnect with my body and get back in shape. Are you getting that deja-vu again feeling? Yep. Me too…