So, it turns out that the “Domme” who messaged me is actually not. He’s a complete newbie who seems to be a bit confused about terms and roles and – you know, whatever. I had not really bargained for that. Don’t ask me why i’m still messaging with him. He’s pretty clearly looking for a play partner and the last thing i’m interested in is getting involved with someone who has no idea what he’s doing. (Does that sound mean? Even if it does, it’s true.)
But i’ve realized something that’s a bit worrisome. i feel like i’m withdrawing into my body and i don’t – i don’t want to be touched. This is a little bit weird because i’ve often craved touch. But the thought of it now kind of makes me recoil and pull up into myself.
MP doesn’t generally touch me, not casually, not with affection, not curled up together at night. When he does now, it feels strange and i don’t really want him to. This worries me. It makes me feel dry – like an autumn leaf. Makes me feel like i might dry up and blow away.
i was reading Living a Loving Life this morning and thinking how much i could relate to her experience with aging. i am not liking this whole “being in my 60’s” thing nearly as much as i’d like to. My experience of my body seems mostly unpleasant or disappointing. I think that i probably don’t look as bad as i think i do, but there is no one here to tell me that i don’t.
MP was never one for physical compliments and if i were to tell him i feel old and ugly now, i imagine he’d say something philosophical about none of us looking like we did when we were 20. Which is true. It just wouldn’t be the compliment i was fishing for! Not the reassurance i would want.
Ok, enough of this – too close to maudlin, without the alcohol to fuel it. It makes me sad that i feel this way, but better to recognize what i feel than not. i ran across this quote:
“We create the illusions we need to go on. And one day, when they no longer dazzle or comfort, we tear them down, brick by glittering brick, until we are left with nothing but the bright light of honesty. The light is liberating. Necessary. Terrifying. We stand naked and emptied before it. And when it is too much for our eyes to take, we build a new illusion to shield us from its relentless truth.”
– Libba Bray, The Sweet Far Thing
i don’t know why that feels so true today. The idea of living in illusion just seems connected with the idea that it’s not what happens to us that “makes” us feel a certain way, it’s what we say to ourselves about what’s happened. I know that for the most part this is true. The part that i can see more clearly now is how often the things we say to ourselves are built on shifting sand. And maybe that’s ok.
Um, hope you’re having a lovely weekend!!
Olivia 
I read your post. But it is way too early for me to come up with any comforting Words Of Wisdom for you. The only word that comes to mind is persevere.
Reminds me of what “they” (the mysterious and omniscient “They”) say about the weather in New England. “If you don’t like the weather, wait a few minutes, it’ll change”.
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Lol, it’s ok, you don’t have to come up with comforting WOWs for me. “Persevere” is a good touchstone, and for sure I will do that. And WHAT?? They say that in New England? They say it where i used to live too!! And we thought we were so special with our changeable weather! hahahaha But I know that’s true of feelings -they come in waves, rolling in and rolling back out. And i think it was just important or me to name that i felt that way – you know?
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Absolutely, I know.
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um, happy easter? i can’t help but wonder if i’ll be as wise as you when i get to 60…
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Lol, thanks, fondles, Happy Easter to you! I don’t know how wise i really am, but i’m sure you will be. ❤
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I’ve been feeling much the same since the accident. Not used to my body not responding to me when I call out to it. Eric went through this about a year ago. Now he is fit and trim, feeling like he’s coming back into his own. There is hope for us. Time will move us along whether we notice it or not.
Amy
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Yeah it’s a pretty miserable feeling. I”m glad that Eric is getting back to how he used to be – there is hope for us, i think. Thanks!
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Olivia you have to stay positive. I too am in my 60s and am grateful to still be alive and enjoying life. My mum died when she was 56, so every year I count as a bonus. Every wrinkle would have a story to tell about the wonderful life you have led. Embrace life, relax and live it to the max, that’s my motto. As they say its better than the alternative.
Hugs Lindy xx
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Oh – I agree Lindy! It’s definitely better than the alternative. I’m sorry to hear about your mother – that is really young. It’s not that I’m not grateful to be alive and able to enjoy life. I really am. AND i have some feelings about my body, and am noticing that i don’t much want to be touched by anyone. Shrug. Just noticing how i feel. And thank you for the encouragement! ❤
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i’m not sure if i will be able to communicate well with this or not, but here it goes. i can see why you would frame the feeling of not wanting touch as related to the process of aging. However, at 39, i know the exact feeling you expressed. Touch is tied with quality time for my love language, and it is important to note that research done with people whose receiving love language is touch report feelings of emotional death when that need isn’t met. And still…there are times where i have to watch myself carefully, because i really do want to physically reject touch very viscerally when it comes my way, because i so often live with none, or none that i don’t initiate. Sexually speaking, SM wise, what turns me on is Force so there is something deep inside that is just not fulfilled-ever. Not in years. It does become a feeling inside where i want to not be touched in any manner at all. It makes me think of the attachment studies done on infants, and how infants with mothers who don’t touch and really connect enough can totally shut down, refuse touch and connection all together unless it becomes a norm again. So, instead of this being age related, i think it hits something very primal, very instinctive, and deeply related to shutting down who we are. That is what humans do when something hurts too much. Once i hit the “I don’t care” button, i’m okay again. It just doesn’t matter the same way. And life goes on….
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Yeah, I hear what you’re saying – and you might be right. Sigh.
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I definitely understand not wanting to “train” someone to Dom you, especially being experienced.
In regards to touch, maybe *you* can touch yourself more? Not just sexually, but anything sensual. Baths, foot massages, doing your own nails and hair, anything like that. And of course the sexual stuff too.
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That’s a good idea, Lea – I should maybe work on being more aware of sensual touch. Thanks.
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