Physically safe and rested again, thank goodness. Fully aware of how privileged i am to have somewhere safe to go and the means to get there.
i was super irritated with myself last night as i realized that i was working on everyone else’s agenda and ignoring my own.
But. Nobody is making me do that. And at least some of the time, it’s not even helpful.
I got this far in the blog post and then read this article. The Minimalist Doula https://www.lifespandoulas.com/minimalist-doula/
“This was a big challenge, but this is the other side of having good boundaries, this time, as a friend. By nature, I am a carer. I want to jump in and fix things. I am a worrier. I obsess about the things not said and done, like “What if they don’t know xxx and, as a result, xxx happens?” I worry about being clear enough, and obsess about if they know whom to call and when, or if they know they can call me. But this is my challenge. I had to be careful not to make it about me. The difference between being her doula and being her friend was that I did not take the lead. Just like with a client in a doula relationship, I knew it was her journey, their journey, not mine, and I had to trust that they would follow their hearts and it would be alright in the end.”
So i can continue to avoid dealing with my own stuff by focusing on everyone else’s stuff, or i can dig in and do what i need to do for myself. i need to do at least some of the things i know would be good for me.
Sigh. Ok, fine, i get it.
But i’m truly having a hard time shutting down the barrage of other people’s emotions long enough to be open to my own. Or – I’m staying shut down because I’m overwhelmed by other people’s emotions and kind of lost to my own deep feelings. i know they’re there, i just can’t access them for more than a few seconds.
i need – ok, monkey, not my old coat back. i don’t know what i need. It’s not that i’m successfully absorbing the emotion around me. More like i’m trying to shut it out and not succeeding.
i need to find this space inside my head.