Sometimes a big ole dose of reality just smacks you right in the face, and there’s nothing you can do but take it. It may not be a kinky smack, or the kind of pain that submissive women like to feel, but there it is.
i’ve gained almost 30 pounds since i’ve been in this relationship i’m in. And i wasn’t skinny before that. i was tiny, once upon a time, a long time ago. But not for a long time now.
i wear a size 14, which might not sound too bad, but i’m only 5 foot tall, so you know. i weigh 171 pounds. When i got married the first time, when i was in my 20s, i weighed 95 pounds.
The first time i thought i was fat, i weighed 120.
When i got in this relationship with my partner, just 4 years ago, i weighed about 140. So about a pound a year for 20 years, then almost 10 pounds a year, almost a pound a month for 3 years. Sheesh.
i’ve eaten mindlessly, i’ve eaten to reward myself, i’ve eaten my anger and my frustration and my sadness.
And maybe, you know, maybe for real, that’s why my partner isn’t interested in me sexually. It seems to me that he lost interest first, before i started gaining weight, but maybe not. It doesn’t matter now.
Something has shifted for me. Once i decided to quit waiting for him to be interested in me sexually again, once i decided that passive was not working for me, i’ve been able to eat reasonable portions and not stuff myself between meals and really reduce my binge eating. So i guess i’ll lose weight – i don’t know, at my age, it’s tricky, but it could happen.
And i’m working on not sitting in front of the computer all the time, and getting some actual exercise. But you know, i’m 60 years old. Way past my “use by” date. (Ok, that might have been unnecessarily pathetic. So if i lose 25 pounds and do a bunch of yoga, i might be able to extend my shelf life a few more years?)
But ya know, right now, i’m old and fat. Or fat and old. The old part is not going to change, but maybe i can fix the fat. In any case, i’m not eating my feelings anymore.