(Not really a post)

Sometimes a big ole dose of reality just smacks you right in the face, and there’s nothing you can do but take it.   It may not be a kinky smack, or the kind of pain that submissive women like to feel, but there it is.

i’ve gained almost 30 pounds since i’ve been in this relationship i’m in.  And i wasn’t skinny before that.  i was tiny, once upon a time, a long time ago.  But not for a long time now.

i wear a size 14, which might not sound too bad, but i’m only 5 foot tall, so you know.  i weigh 171 pounds.  When i got married the first time, when i was in my 20s, i weighed 95 pounds.

The first time i thought i was fat, i weighed 120.

When i got in this relationship with my partner, just 4 years ago, i weighed about 140.  So about a pound a year for 20 years, then almost 10 pounds a year, almost a pound a month for 3 years.  Sheesh.

i’ve eaten mindlessly, i’ve eaten to reward myself, i’ve eaten my anger and my frustration and my sadness.

And maybe, you know, maybe for real, that’s why my partner isn’t interested in me sexually.  It seems to me that he lost interest first, before i started gaining weight, but maybe not.  It doesn’t matter now.

Something has shifted for me.  Once i decided to quit waiting for him to be interested in me sexually again, once i decided that passive was not working for me, i’ve been able to eat reasonable portions and not stuff myself between meals and really reduce my binge eating.   So i guess i’ll lose weight – i don’t know, at my age, it’s tricky, but it could happen.

And i’m working on not sitting in front of the computer all the time, and getting some actual exercise.  But you know, i’m 60 years old.  Way past my “use by” date.   (Ok, that might have been unnecessarily pathetic.  So if i lose 25 pounds and do a bunch of yoga, i might be able to extend my shelf life a few more years?)

But ya know, right now, i’m old and fat.  Or fat and old.  The old part is not going to change, but maybe i can fix the fat.  In any case, i’m not eating my feelings anymore.

8 thoughts on “(Not really a post)

  1. Yes you can adopt healthy habits, including mindful eating. Who knows what will happen? But it is way more fun than a solitary pity party with a bag of Doritos.

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  2. I am happy to be your supporter too and you are NEVER too old to be healthy. I am all about healthy living and seriously Olivia it will make YOU feel so much better. Doing it for you is the only way it works.. I am 5″1 and 54 years young. I was determined when I got over 40 that I would not do that 10 lb per year thingy that I saw so many do. You will be amazed at your energy level and how good you feel! One meal at a time, one day at time. You can do it. I have faith 🙂

    ~faithful

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  3. More often than not, how we look in the mirror each morning, is how we judge ourselves. And we, are the harshest critics that we will ever face. Your mate, should be enamored with the beauty that is inside of you. The part he fell for four years ago. We all want to be with the so called “perfect” person. But how often does that really occur. And what is the definition of perfect? In whose eyes is it? In my opinion, it’s not the wrapper that’s important. It’s the content within. We all change as we grow older. I’m well into my sixth decade, and while I’ve only gained a couple of pounds over the the last ten years, I’ve lost some muscle tone along the way. Does it really matter. Not really, to me or to the lady in my life. We stay active and we nurture what is inside to keep our lives fun and fulfilled. We accept each other unconditionally. Don’t ever stop believing in yourself, Olivia. Your heart is what guides your spirit. Your spirit is what makes you. Be you, and be happy. If your mate has issues with that, than maybe it’s time to move on. Life is too short to be in a position where you have to be unhappy, to make someone else happy. It’s a pleasure to follow you and to be around to support you. Hugs!

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    1. Thank you so much for this lovely response – it brought tears to my eyes, in a good way. In fairness, i don’t know that it’s a problem for my partner, i think his own health is his primary concern, it just occurred to me that it could be me instead. But your response really helped me get re-centered and tap into who i am. Thank you.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Just don’t ever give up on who you are, Olivia. There are parts of our lives, our desires, our passions, that we are not willing to let go of, yet we will suppress, so to speak, for the greater good. For what we have within the relationship at present, is worth the sacrifice. Bottom line, what value does one place on what he or she has? What can we live without, or live with, vicariously through others, and yet be happy and content with our mates. Find your happy place and be content. Hugs!!

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