On Being Submissive

/ olivia

It is a strange thing, being submissive.

Yesterday, I got it in my head that my Sir wasn’t interested in a power exchange with me anymore. It started with a thought. “Hmmm, I didn’t do this one thing I’m supposed to do and he didn’t notice.”

Then I started building a whole story about it. “Oh, and the other day he said something about me being able to make my own decisions. He probably thinks I’m too much trouble. Why would he want to manage me all the time?”

Having started down the rabbit hole, I began to pick up speed. “He probably doesn’t want to be my Dom anymore. If he doesn’t notice when I don’t do what I’m supposed to, he probably doesn’t even care what I do.”

Like Alice-in-Wonderland, I just kept falling farther and farther down. “He’s probably bored, he probably doesn’t have time, he probably…” and I landed with a thump on the bottom of the rabbit hole.

My wiser self might have said to him, “I’m having a major attack of insecurity, can you help me with this?” But my wiser self was nowhere to be found.

Instead, I asked him about one part of it in a really ineffective way, and then asked him about it some more, and then it was late where he was and I realized that he was probably already in bed and I thought I sounded a little bit crazy. So I sent him a few messages trying to back track and not sound needy and ridiculous and – well, to acknowledge that I might sound like I was a little crazy and a little needy and probably ridiculous. Or that he might think I was.

Sigh. I was a bit of a mess.

By the time I was ready for bed, I had talked myself down from a touch of panic to just a little bit anxious. I reminded myself that my Sir has been stable and steady and I have no reason to be insecure, no reason to doubt him. So I was able to stick to my evening routine and let go of the tightness in my chest and the butterflies in my tummy. And I slept.

This morning, I awoke to a message that put things into perspective very nicely, without addressing whether I was crazy or needy or ridiculous, which was probably just as well. It was a nicely no-nonsense response simply telling me what to do. That gave me the perspective I needed without any fuss.

It was a great relief.

But I thought a lot today about what had happened. How had I gone from being perfectly content and happy to halfway convincing myself my Sir didn’t want to be my Dom?

I don’t actually know how that happened.

But I have a theory.

I think it was sub-drop. The dreaded sub-drop, bane of submissives everywhere. That horrible feeling when all the warm-fuzzy- excited-aroused-wide open feelings of a strong D/s connection wears off. Going from the intensity of the connection – when all that exists is your Sir’s voice and what he wants and the desire to please – from that to the mundane (although beautiful) aspects of everyday life is just hard.

Yes, it’s been three weeks since my Sir and I had our time together. That’s a long time to go before sub drop sets in. But it was just yesterday that I suddenly felt it. He has taken such good care of me – staying connected with me in many ways, even though we are so far apart, that I am just now feeling the drop.

I need a spanking. I haven’t had enough privacy to practice with the belt or the hangar in a while, and I crave the sensation. In my best fantasy, he would be able to spank me himself, not for punishment, but just a nice maintenance spanking. I crave that.

But how does not having that suddenly become insecurity, spiraling around in my brain? I dunno.

For me, the trick – the balance I seek – is being able to step deep into expressing my submission, be fully consumed by it. And then step back so I can take care of myself again (in my case, only with permission! 😏. ). Seriously, though. This has caused a lot of angst for me before. It is a recurring pain point.

Once I can take the step back, I seem to be perfectly ok. No more intense needs, no more spiraling, all good here. I’m pretty low maintenance.

But if I stay there a while, then it’s hard for me to reconnect. It’s as if there’s a door to the heart of my submission and it gently closes. Or my submissive self goes into hibernation. Something like that. Behind the door there is always a longing, the need to be spanked, the desire to submit… it’s just not as easily accessible.

What I want is to be able to find the right balance. I know I’ve shared this quote before, but it describes what I want so beautifully:

Your hand opens and closes and opens and closes. 
If it were always a fist or always stretched open,
you would be paralyzed. 
Your deepest presence is in every small contracting
and expanding. 
The two as beautifully balanced and coordinated
as birdwings.”

Photo by Skyler Ewing on Pexels.com

16 thoughts on “On Being Submissive”

  1. Interesting that sub-drop should happen so long after the event. I suppose I considered aftercare was needed immediately after an event and perhaps for a day or two after that. Perhaps aftercare merges into maintenance. Now there’s a thought.

    Liked by 4 people

    Reply

    • It is interesting – and I’m sure there are people who would say it’s too long – it must be something else. 🤷🏼‍♀️ They might be right. It felt like subdrop to me – once I was able to actually think about it. I think you’re right about aftercare being needed for a shorter period of time.

      I think what happened between my Sir and me is that – from my perspective – the closeness of our connection continued for a long time. I continued to feel it deeply until just recently.

      But I definitely agree that aftercare might merge into maintenance. And I’m probably not actually as low maintenance as I like to think I am. 🫢

      Thanks for this comment – lots to think about here.
      💜

      Liked by 2 people

      Reply

      • Really amazing post. My Gosh, you share your thoughts and feelings so loud and clear about your experience. I must admit, it stimulates my male brain and other parts of me. Blushing. That being said, you are human and have to work through parts of yourself to feel secure. I admire your courage. I support you. ♥️

        Liked by 1 person

      • Thank you so much. I’m glad my thoughts and feelings are clear – it does help me to process it here. I don’t know if it takes courage, but I appreciate the support! 💜

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I think it is totally possible that you experienced sub drop like you did as your current new routine, with lots of rules, was likely keeping you in a constant state of sub space. As we can’t stay in sub space for ever, sadly, you eventually experienced the drop. Please be gentle with yourself, my dear friend. You are only human (a beautiful, loving human 😊), after all, and we are all prone to a little insecurity at times. My hope is that you are feeling a little better now and that your Sir has set you straight. Nothing a good spanking can’t fix, right 😘😍❤️

    Liked by 1 person

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  3. It’s comforting to know that i’m not the only one going around in circles, down the rabbit hole, and falling off cliffs, to mix metaphors.

    I’m convinced it’s also cycles and hormones. And cortisol levels and nutrition, and just everyday variations that affect our brains and internal chemistry, so that something just shifts and our ‘mood’ changes. And then it’s Hello Spiral!

    And before anyone says there are no more cycles after menopause, I thought so too, till a deeper dive into women’s hormonal systems showed me I was wrong. It’s just harder to predict without the 28 day schedule. Oh well.

    I hope you have more better days than murky ones. Love.

    Liked by 3 people

    Reply

  4. Hi Olivia, I can so relate to the trip down the rabbit hole. Doesn’t he want to be my Dom anymore, am I too much etc.

    Such great comments above. I too think your new structure kept you feeling connected and that it is possible it was sub drop, even though it had been a while after the event. I think there can be many different contributing factors. Life simply getting in the way for instance.

    I’m glad your Sir provided some perspective and hope you are feeling better.

    lots of Hugs

    Roz

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply

    • Hi, Roz! I appreciate you being able to relate! I think most of us have experienced this.

      You’re right about the insightful comments on this post! Lots to think about. I agree that the structure really helped maintain that deep sense of connection for a long time. Lots of factors invovled in the drop – and definitiely can be life getting in the way!!

      Thank you, Roz.

      💜💜💜

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

  5. I’m new on here. Not sure I’m in the right spot. But I’m hurting so bad I wanted to end my life. I’m stronger than that but I miss him so much. Does anyone else relate to me?

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply

    • I’m so sorry you’re hurting so badly. Missing someone you’ve been really close to is incredibly painful. Some of my heartbreaks are well documented in this blog! I’m glad that you commented, and glad that you’re finding your strength even in the face of loss. 💜

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

      • I’m not able to adapt to life with him not in it. I know the problem my shrink said he is a evil person who manipulated me and with extreme emotional abuse. Far beyond what she has ever seen. So I’m just done and gone.

        Liked by 2 people

      • Oh, what you’re going through is so hard! I’m glad you have someone to support you and I hope they can help you get through this. I’m holding hope that your pain eases a little bit. 💜

        Liked by 1 person

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