On Strike?

/ olivia

I have been feeling a little bit lost lately. Work is not going well, entirely my own fault. I’m back to not doing the things I need to do.

Apparently, I can not do my work for any number of reasons. Too distracted, too busy with other things, too tired, too unsure of what to do…

I keep having the thought “I’m on strike.” In some kind of rebellion. Which would make me a rebel without a clue. I have no idea what I’m rebelling against.

But I can’t make myself do it – the work. Today, I went for a long walk instead. Two long walks actually. And cooked – chicken vegetable soup, with all fresh ingredients. Tomorrow, I’m having coffee with a new friend.

I can’t make myself work.

I say that and think of this quote:

“Behind all of the “I can’ts” are merely “I won’ts.” The “I won’ts” mean “I am afraid to” or “I am ashamed to” or “I have too much pride to try, for fear I might fail.” Behind that is anger at ourselves and circumstances engendered by pride.” 

David R. Hawkins, Letting Go: The Pathway of Surrender

That’s true. And I don’t care. I won’t work. I mean, I do the work I have to do, work dictated from outside me. It’s my own work I refuse to do.

I want to run away. I don’t want to talk to anybody, I just want to be left alone – preferably somewhere I can hear the ocean. Drop me at the beach and come back in a week.

Except tomorrow is Maintenance Day. There are a lot of reasons not to run away, but the one that keeps me from going is the assurance of a spanking. I don’t want to miss that.

OH! Wait. I kind of do know what’s going on.

Yep.

This is why I write posts like this – my insight often comes from writing.

And the reasons involve other people in my every day life, which makes them too personal to share. That’s ok. It’s enough that it makes sense to me. And, you know, I have people I can talk to in a less public venue.

I am in rebellion, mostly about things I can’t do anything about. Pointless rebellion. Pacing in circles.

Mark Twain is credited with saying, “Life is just one damn thing after another,” and that makes me laugh, but it feels true today.

I think I am too self-indulgent, I need to try harder, do better. Except I also believe this

 “I am a frayed and nibbled survivor in a fallen world, and I am getting along. I am aging and eaten and have done my share of eating too. I am not washed and beautiful, in control of a shining world in which everything fits, but instead am wondering awed about on a splintered wreck I’ve come to care for, whose gnawed trees breathe a delicate air, whose bloodied and scarred creatures are my dearest companions, and whose beauty bats and shines not in its imperfections but overwhelmingly in spite of them…” 

~~ Annie Dillard, Pilgrim at Tinker Creek

Photo by Karolina Grabowska on Pexels.com

15 thoughts on “On Strike?”

  1. Are you having the crisis of “I’m reaching a point were I know my time is shrinking But I can’t just roll over and except this. That the end isn’t acceptable. I have too many grand things to accomplish before the night. I have not yet began to dim in brightness, but I feel soon, my light isn’t going to illuminate what it did?”

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    Reply

    • Oh, I’ve been having that crisis for years! You describe it exactly. But no, now I feel like I’ve entered a new phase where my light really has dimmed and I don’t even want to produce anymore. I’ve hit the point at which I seem to have become invisible and soundless. Even though I don’t really think that’s true. But I want to retire for real.

      And thanks for reading and commenting!!
      💜

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

  2. Hi Olivia,

    I’m glad you shared this here as it helped you figure it out. I was going to ask if there was a particular aspect of work you can think of that is tripping you up. I hope that now you have some further insight into what’s going on you can start to resolve these feelings, particularly if the issues are things you can’t control. Hope to that a little maintenance helps ☺

    Sorry you are feeling this way. Hang in there my friend. As I have said before, this too shall pass.

    Hugs
    Roz

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    • Thanks so much, Roz. You’re probably right – this too shall pass. Or it won’t, and I’ll have to figure out what to do to be ok anyhow… I’ll have to think of it as some kind of growing pains, right?

      Thanks for being here. 💜

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      Reply

      • Yikes! Thank you for removing it. I replied to your post using email without considering the fact that my email signature would be attached. Not spam. I am a lurker who has followed Olivia for a long time. I am mostly content to just read. But today I felt the urge to respond. I need to be way more careful. Thank you!!

        Liked by 1 person

      • Oh, yay!! I love lurkers turned commenters!! So I’m glad it wasn’t spam – I hoped you’d let me know!! Welcome! Hope to hear more from you! (And yay for getting your last name off here too!) 💜 💜

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  4. i get like this when i need a break, i work with and help people all the time but as an introvert i do often reach my limit and then just need time to recharge …. like now! lol

    i have a bunch of calls to make and i’ve been dragging my feet for a week, i have an appointment tmrw and we’ve been doing a LOT of socializing the last couple of weeks because we are adopting a new doggie for our family.

    too much people-ing makes me need to stop and just sit with myself for a while – then i can get back at it when i’m ready. i used to try to rush myself through, now i just let it happen and generally get back faster than when i don’t respect my mind and body’s needs. *smiles*

    glad you figured it out in the end!

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    Reply

    • Yeah, that’s a really good point. I definitely get that way too. I used to take a weekend away every quarter and that was really helpful. But hotels and airbnbs have gotten so expensive here – and my finances have gotten worse, so I haven’t done that for a while.

      Exciting to hear about your doggie adoption though! That’s a lot all by itself.

      Of course we do better when we listen to our bodies! And hearts and minds too. That’s one of those things that I know – and teach other people – and still forget myself. A great reminder.

      Thanks so much!! 💜

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      Reply

      • i hardly remember the last time i was away that wasn’t for medical reasons but after spending so much time away from home, i’m still enjoying my own bed! lol

        she’s a real laugh, tall and clumsy 😂 should be quite the super model once she grows into those legs!!

        I’ve missed some of your adventures but it sounds like things are going well with you and X, that’s awesome. 💚💚

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