In a comment on my last post, Helen of Ten Shades and Me offered that she doesn’t like the word slut. She noted that it’s overused, almost banal, and not creative at all. I can’t argue with that. At the same time, it doesn’t affect me that way.
In the Meriam Webster dictionary, slut is defined as:
disparaging + offensive : a promiscuous person : someone who has many sexual partners —usually used of a woman
Articles about the word slut explore the history of the word, some of them comment on the gendered nature of the term and the double standard of what it means to have many sexual partners. Men are studs, women are sluts. If you want to make a more disparaging comment about men and their sexual partners, you might call them a man-slut.
Of course, the double standard reflects the reality of our culture and how we (still) feel about women and sex. The Madonna/whore divide and all that.
One of the things I love about BDSM is that it moves us away from those stereotypical concepts – or it can. In this world, women get spanked and love it, people talk about sex and pleasure and pain without being silenced or shamed. People who are marginalized in the mainstream culture are accepted and embraced here.
Although the Domestic Discipline folks tend toward traditional gender roles, males subs and female Doms are definitely a thing, as are cucks, and trans people, and so on. You don’t have to have a terrific body – in fact, you can have any kind of body at all, and it’s perfectly ok. Even age is not an issue (other than being over 18.). We older people may be a minority, but we’re not invisible. I think that in BDSM, all are welcome, and that’s part of what I love about it.
Which brings me back to “slut.” A person who’s had many sexual relationships. Ummmm, you know, I’ve lived a long time. And I didn’t marry young and stay married forever. So if you were to ask me if I’d had many sexual partners – um, you know, I’d want to know how many is “many?”
Anyhow, this is not specifically about me and whether or not I fit the definition of slut. It’s about the word. For me, it’s ok to embrace the word, or at least not shy away from it. Because whether it’s true or not, there’s actually nothing wrong with having more than one sexual partner.
I think there’s something else there for men. Not all men, but some men really enjoy using the word, as Helen noted. I won’t pretend to understand that exactly, but it doesn’t offend me, so I don’t mind. Yes, I am “his slut” in the sense of unbridled sexual desire and energy, and I’m not hesitant to own that. After all, I was a teenager in the era of free love, and I don’t think sex is something we need to be ashamed about.
It’s interesting though, isn’t it? How words affect us. How I can feel such aversion to Spanko and be perfectly fine with slut, and all the variations of other labels and terms. Are there words that other people find objectionable that don’t bother you?
I searched for photo with the term “slutty woman.” Lol, I got all kinds of pictures, most of which looked perfectly innocent and non-slutty. But I loved this one – the beautiful blonde woman sitting on the kitchen counter between the sink and stove, wearing sunglasses, smoking a cigarette, and reading the newspaper. In her red thigh-high boots, legs crossed, flashing bare thighs, apparently naked under her leather coat, she is the picture of a femme fatale for a hard-boiled private eye. Or maybe she is the detective herself in the noir novel. In any case, I’m pretty sure that’s who I wanted to be at 13 or 14 years old.
Olivia 
I love it, Olivia, and thankyou for the link. I will get a response post up hopefully later tonight but for now, the kitchen is in dire need of my attention! 😂 xx
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Thanks, Helen! I’ll look forward to your response post. Totally understand kitchens needing attention though… 💜
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I love this woman. 😉
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RIGHT?!!! Honestly, I would have guessed you would… 💜
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I write and love words and their potential power. However, I don’t like the word “slut” as it is sometimes used, but have no problem with it when used accurately, and that accuracy is dependent not on the word’s technical definition but its connotation. Let’s look at the definition you posted to see what I mean. It starts off by saying that it is disparaging and offensive, and then defines it merely as having many sexual partners. Well, having many sexual partners, in and of itself, is not necessarily a bad thing. It could make perfect sense for a person to do so and even show they are very attractive to likeminded people. So where’s the negativity?
For me it’s in how “I” define slut: where the number of partners is not nearly as important as the behavior and attitude of the proposed “slut”. If the person is vulgar, sexually obsessed but with no discernment, and without any self-discipline to rein in their carnal desires, they are a slut. However, if the person has some class, some standards, and does what she wants with certain people she wants but not just anyone, even if she does so frequently, to me she is sexually active but not necessarily promiscuous or……a slut. (It’s like you can screw everyone in a particular room and not be a slut, but if you will screw ANYone in any room, and can’t help yourself, and do so without any class…….you are.
So when some kinky housewife defines herself as a slut because she gets off on the notion…….well, to each their own, but I doubt they are really a slut, since if they were truly a slut, they’d likely not have the partner they currently have. (Unless he too has no class or self-control or self-respect.) To me, she is just engaging in a kind of “dirty talk”…..that really is mostly talk.
Anyway, that my take on that.
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Yes. So well said. I definitely agree that there’s nothing wrong with having a lot of partners and I love your conclusion about “some kinky housewife” defining herself as a slut being just a form of “dirty talk.”
But when you talk about people who will sleep with anyone, lacking self-discipline or discernment – I think “trauma reaction.” Of course, most of us have some trauma, I’m not suggesting that everyone who has trauma responds like that. But when I hear of someone who seems not to have sexual boundaries, I immediately think “trauma.”
Thank you for sharing your insight!! I really love reading your thoughts.
💜
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I don’t take offense to it, but I find it unnecessary. Why should there be a word for someone who has multiple sexual encounters? Who the hell cares? I suppose I can see a use for it if you say, ” you’re acting like a slut” ( trolling for sex at a party?).
I do find it interesting in regard to how many negative words there are for women, and how those same words can be used to show a man is weak or less than. Take bitch for example. I hear the word and think, nasty, aggressive woman. Use it for a man and he’s missing a backbone.
Another word people don’t like generally is cunt. It doesn’t bother me. I’d rather not be referred to as one however. I think one reason it doesn’t bother me is because I have a lot of friends overseas. They tend to use it for men. Sort of like a super-sized asshole. Lol.
The word I don’t like to hear is pussy. 🤮. Not sure why. I mean I don’t care if someone calls someone a pussy, I just don’t like it as a replacement of my vagina. Quite frankly I’d rather hear cunt, as crude as that is. Lol.
As for BDSM acceptance, that is a nice thought. For the most part I think it can be like that. When it’s not I find it even more shocking and hurtful than in a vanilla world. As you said, we are marginalized, so when people aren’t accepting ( or even just keeping their opinions private) in that type of community it seems worse. But then again I suppose that isn’t unique to any marginalized society . I can’t tell you how many so-called feminists have said to me, ” Must be nice” in a tone dripping of sarcasm when they found out I was a stay at home Mom. Imagine how those feathers would have been ruffled knowing what my husband did to me 🤣
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Of course you’re right, Willie, there’s no actual need for a person who has multiple sexual partners – or if there is one, it doesn’t need to be derogatory. Although… if I say, “Mmmmm, I’m feeling slutty tonight…” it is just a way of talkikng dirty.
Negative words describing women and how they’re used against men as well in a different way – you are so right. Bitch is one word that I wouldn’t tolerate if someone called me that. Nope.
Like you, I don’t mind cunt, don’t care much for “pussy.”
And yeah, BDSM acceptance isn’t blanket approval. Plus it doesn’t take into account all the politics of it, behind the scenes. There can also be plenty of back-stabbing, power struggles (not between Dom and sub) and other ugliness. I think for me it is more in the context of play parties where all kinds of people can show up and seem perfectly at ease.
The divides that women create for themselves (ok, for ourselves) can be super ugly. I think it connects to something shae was saying (you read her, right?) about wanting to have someone we can look down on. Women can be really hard on each other.
Love this conversation and your input!! 💜
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Funny when it comes to the word bitch, or maybe most words I don’t care for, it doesn’t bother me if someone says, (okay B) ” “Why are you acting bitchy?” Or “Don’t be a bitch about it”, though the latter he has never said. I think it’s because it describes more a momentary state of mind not “She’s such a bitch ” inferring she is ALWAYS that way. Or ya know, me! Lol
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I can see how play parties would have a much more positive vibe. Face to face encounters usually do, compared to keyboard warriors!
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I have read shae from time to time, but I wouldn’t say I am a devote reader of her blog. I always chuckle when I think how reversed humans are to the animal king . The animals run the males off and the weak. The females usually ban together. I find women, especially the ones who still have copious amounts of estrogen (lol) tend to do the running off and ironically it is the insecure ( weak for this analogy ) that does so.
I’m sooooo grateful to be at an age where that seems to have passed as far as other women are concerned! Lol. One benefit of slowly transitioning into my father. Lmao
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Yep, there’s something about being called a bitch that’s just wrong.
Hmmm, interesting point about us being the opposite of the animal kingdom. I had not thought about that. I definitely think women are better able to support each other as we get older, although for me that change begin when I was in my 30s.
Your “one benefit of transitioning into my father” made me laugh!
💜
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I started to notice in my early 40s . My 30s started out with 3 little boys under the age of 5. I refer to it as the lost decade. Lol.
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Omigosh, I can’t imagine 3 under the age of 5! Deep respect… 💜
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I love this Olivia, and enjoyed reading your thoughts. There is a lot I could say, lol, but still commenting on my phone, which is a bitch. Ha, another controversial word lol. I have always hated the word slut, but am slowly finding it less triggering in a D/s context.
Hugs
Roz
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I wish I could read your thoughts!! Interesting that slut is getting less triggering for you. Sometimes that’s the point of using words like that – to de-sensitize us to them… so there’s another point. 💜
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The woman in this picture is ba’dass! Love her boots ❤
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Right? Me too!! 💜
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Slut is one of those interesting words. It seems to have two separate sets of uses, one is the more sex positive owning of the word and/or use in a dynamic. In this one, the word is almost positive and loving. The other is where it’s used in a derogatory manner as if a woman owning her sexual agency is a negative and I much prefer the former. But in reality they are simply words and their power is subjective.
I can imagine the mystique and glamour of the woman in the picture, her confidence is almost a warning. This is not a woman to be trifled with and you bother her at your own risk, Deep inside many women, this one exists and her power is there to be taken by the woman she’s within.
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I agree – it is like there are two separate usages. Many of my friends are of the “reclaiming the word and our right to sexuality” crowd, so of course I lean toward that. And isn’t that what’s interesting about words?
Yes – she exudes a kind of power, and yes, I think we do all have that woman inside us. Whether or not we’re able to tap into that energy is often the questions. I really appreciate your insight.
💜
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You should try ballet boots. Great to look at but terrible to walk in
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Lol, thanks for the thought! I can’t even walk in regular CFM shoes any more, I don’t think I could ever have done those. Although… I did take ballet in my youth, and made it through a year or two with pointe ballet shoes, so maybe I could have… 💜
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