Youall know how it works… we’ve talked about it before.
There is nothing much I can say that hasn’t already been said. It’s a roller coaster.
But I’m not poised on the edge at the top there. Instead, it feels like I’ve already dropped, and the ride is over. Sigh.
I don’t know if I’m just dropping from play time Wednesday or if it’s the loss of Sir Jon weighing on me, or both. I don’t know if it matters. These are times that try submissives’ souls…
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Olivia 
Aww, I’m sorry to hear you are feeling this way Olivia. I definitely think it could be a combination. Perhaps playing without it being scripted by Sir Jon is also a factor?
I can also relate right now to feeling low, and I can’t figure out why because there is a lot of general dominance happening right now. So drop from what?
Hugs my friend. We know this too shall pass (as the saying goes).
Roz
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Thanks, Roz, I appreciate the understanding. Also a good reminder that we can feel a bit a low and maybe it doesn’t have anything to do with D/s!
One of my favorite quotes – the “this too shall pass.” My mother often said that. 💜
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It seems it’s either sub frenzy or sub drop. Why, why can’t we just be happy? Lol.
Seriously, I know not knowing the why’s can also reek havock. Let me take a stab, and see if this leads to putting in some puzzle pieces for you.
Weds nights have become an expectation, and with that comes anticipation. All of that sets the table, as we say here, in your mind. Perhaps it played out the way you hoped, or perhaps it didn’t ( doesn’t mean it wasn’t a good time). Sometimes I need the seriousness of it all. Actually MOST times I need the seriousness of it all if it falls under the title of Maintenance ( B refers to them as resets). Playfulness is a different mindset for me, and I need to know in advance if that is where he is going or my mind cannot compute. For me pain brings down barriers, and playful pain messes with my head if I don’t know in advance.
Regardless I still require some sort of step down from the extreme expression of our roles. I have a very difficult time going from a painful session to no more requirements of submission. The resets open up my submission and stopping with no further requirements makes me drop. The flood gates of submission have opened and I have no where to use it.
Perhaps some of this is relatable to you? If so I suggest you find ways to serve Sir X. It’s not going to be the same as him demanding things of you, but you turning to him and asking permission for various things may help and also open the door toward communication.
If that doesn’t work, I suggest bringing creative with your hands. At least that helps me bring up the dopamine.
You mention Jon. Maybe the dam you built around your heart has cracked further due to your latest foray with Sir X and you need to let that in?
Regardless- I’m alone all day today if you need an ear. Feel free to ramble and not make sense. Sometimes that’s the only way to figure things out.
I’m so sorry you find yourself here. I woke up feeling sad this morning for no discernible reason, so maybe it’s just the universe 😉
💕willie
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Oh, there is so much wisdom here, Willie, and it does make sense. I’m sure that some of the factors you mention are at play here.
I always appreciate hearing how this works for you. I think I do miss the dominance between sessions, although Sir X is doing more of that than he has in the past.
It is interesting though that you and Roz and I are all feeling a bit down on the same day. Maybe it’s something in the way the stars are aligned… 💜
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I’m so sorry, Olivia. It probably is a combination of things, as you say, and that’s okay. Allow that to be the case, it’s the only way forward after all. The grief that you feel for Jon is normal, I often get reminded of Will in weird little ways and sometimes that still hurts too. I am thankful for some of the life lessons that he gave me of course, but I know now that our journey has come to an end. You can carry Jon in your heart and wish him well, that’s totally fine, and I’m sure Sir X will understand. Think about how you would help those who have come to you for help in comping with a loss, and now show yourself that same kindness and love. You deserve it too 🙂
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Thanks, Helen, I appreciate the support. Yes, of course feeling grief for losing Sir Jon is normal. I’m not sure that’s the main thing happening here, but maybe. And of course you’re right. I would tell anyone to let themselves feel what they feel, maybe to write about it, and accpet support from others.
So thank you!! 💜 I’m doing it.
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While not being as familiar as other friends of the blog, I am aware of sub-drop and it’s myriad of effects. But this is clearly to me more of the fallout of losing Sir Jon. While consciously you’re dealing with this, SubSpace clearly operates on a subconscious level as well, this often takes longer to deal with things and it’s harder to move from them.
I am fully confident that you will be okay in the long term and will simply say that it’s alright to not be alright. That your heart feels as it does and that is okay. But in my long battle against my own demons, will simply speak of the lies they tell.
It is your fault. (Know that it isn’t, it’s just the aftermath of grief)
You will always feel this. (It’s a rollercoaster, it rises as well as drops)
You are alone (Seeing all the comments and well wishes, it’s easy to see that this is also bulls**t.)
So know that you will get through this, this is a test of you and you have people to whom you can talk.
Be well Olivia, the ride is far from over
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Thank you so much, KM. I think you’re right that it definitely connects to losing Sir Jon. I really do know that I’ll be all right in the long run – this is actually not even the worst thing that ever happened to me! So there’s that. But I really appreciate the idea of it being ok to not be ok.
Also thanks for the reminders of ways that we tell ourselves stories that aren’t true. It’s not my fault – bad things happen to good people every day. It will pass. And I have support – thank you very much.
I always used to say “life is just a test, if it had been the real thing, we would have been given instructions on where to go and what to do”. That thought still amuses me – and you’re right – the ride is not over!
💜
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Hang in there, my beautiful friend. My heart aches for you ❤
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Thank you, my friend. 💜
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