No, this is not the next installment of Amelia’s story, but she’ll be back. I need to share a bit about what’s happening in my real life.
Sir X has always been one to research things, often just for the fun of it. Now that he’s turned his attention to being my Dom, it is a whole new world for him – and me. Previously, he thought he should already know what he needed to know about being a Dom – now that he’s open to learning from other Doms in videos and articles online, now that he’s communicating more openly with me about his experience with all this – it’s a new ballgame.
He is not wasting any time stepping into his new role. And he seems to have found that sweet spot of moving us forward without being too pushy.
I have some judgment about myself and how quickly I’m moving forward with Sir X. I mean, shouldn’t I be in mourning for Sir Jon still? But let me be clear.
- Sir Jon will always be with me in some ways. He is in my heart always and he’s left me so many good memories. He also taught me ways to feel connected with him, and when I feel a pang of missing him, I practice the ways he taught me.
- Sir Jon left me set up for Sir X. Since Sir X was already involved in the relationship with us, it’s not like I’m replacing Sir Jon (although Sir X might say differently) so much as just continuing on.
- I never thought Sir Jon would last forever – or even a long time. My expectation was always that I needed to enjoy each day to the fullest because tomorrow wasn’t promised to us.
Anyhow. This post is a quickie, more show and tell than story.
Sir X is a fan of training collars, and he has added an O ring to this collar so he can attach a leash or other chain to it. This is a collar we’ve used before, way back when, so it feels both familiar and new. There is something about having to kneel while he places the collar around my neck that immediately pulls me into a submissive space.
It’s a fairly heavy collar to start with, the O-ring makes it a bit heavier, and when he attaches a chain to it, as he did last night, it’s a visceral reminder of my submission to him.
We have begun a practice of maintenance spankings on Wednesday nights and play sessions, which are more sexual, on Saturday or Sunday night.
Of course, some of you may be wondering, “But what about his disability? Didn’t you say he couldn’t be your Dom because of his medical/physical issues?”
Um, yes. I totally said that – and totally believed it. I think he believed it too,. I would never have guessed this change would happen. But it seems that his biggest disability was his mindset – depression is debilitating. The anger he felt initially when I told him about Sir Jon was apparently quite energizing. Will this last? Who knows…
But it really is as Pema Chondron says in these two quotes:
“The very first noble truth of the Buddha points out that suffering is inevitable for human beings as long as we believe that things last—that they don’t disintegrate, that they can be counted on to satisfy our hunger for security.”
“Relaxing with the present moment, relaxing with hopelessness, relaxing with death, not resisting the fact that things end, that things pass, that things have no lasting substance, that everything is changing all the time—that is the basic message.”
Do I always feel that Zen? Of course not. Does that mean that losing Sir Jon didn’t hurt? Of course not – it did, and still does. But moving toward letting go is one of the goals of this stage of my life. I’m fortunate to have new adventures ahead of me that bring new joy.
I appreciate all of you who have been with me through this difficult time. I hope you’re going to accompany me on this new journey! And I promise to get back to Amelia and friends soon.
Olivia 
“But it seems that his biggest disability was his mindset.” —This could be applied to so many limiting beliefs we have for ourselves. Thank you for sharing and I’m very excited to read more of your journey 🙂
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Yes! That could be applied to lots of our limiting beliefs! Thanks for reading and commenting. 💜
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I love what you wrote here about Sir Jon always being with you AND I love your message about learning to let go. He’s gone and I guess we all have to accept that. I truly hope he can find some measure of peace and happiness in his world.
With that said, I am really looking forward to following your journey with Sir X. I LOVE the collar you’ve shared here and have never seen one like that. In our year of exploration of DD and D/s, Daddy and I played around with a few collars but they were always the stiff leather kind and I hated the way they felt around my neck. You have given me some new ideas here, my friend.
Simultaneously wanting equanimity AND thrill for you! Hope it’s a good day ❤
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Thanks, Nora. I am glad that you like what I wrote about Sir Jon! I know that losing his friendship is a loss for you too. I agree – hoping he can find peace and happiness.
I’m excited about writing about this new journey! I’m glad you like the collar. He has a number of ones he’s made from rope, including a pretty, delicate purple one.
Equanimity and thrills – the best of all possible worlds! Thanks for those good wishes, my friend! 💜
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Well Amelia is great and all, but she’s not real.
I enjoy reading about the transformation taking place there. But before I get to that I have a quote for you this time! Lol
“Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.” Anais Nin
Perhaps that was Jon’s purpose, and it had come to an end, so that Sir X could regain a place he long forgot about as well. Perhaps Jon in your life was to remind not only you, but Sir X who you once were, longed to be or could be, thus making it easier for him to see himself in a different light. Giving him hope and confidence.
B and I were talking this morning concerning my submission and his lack of continuity in dominance over the last couple of years. He said he found it difficult to find it in himself to justify being dominant toward me.He felt responsible that my submission had become subdude. He didn’t trust himself, because he didn’t believe I could trust him again. Some days he feels we faltered because of him, ( other days I get tossed in that mix too 😉)Maybe Sir X has had those types of thoughts as well over the years.
While I think it’s great you have memories of Jon to help you get through missing him, I hope soon your tether will be strongest to Sir X and your life together will take you to places both familiar and new, much like your collar
💕willie
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Yes. Thanks, Willie, I LOVE that quote. I agree – whether that was his purpose or not, Sir Jon did remind both of us of who we were and could be again. It was a life-changing gift, no matter what come next.
I definitely think Sir X has struggled with those types of things, like B. One thing was that he was really afraid of hurting me, and when there was a time that he did hurt me (but not harm me) it really undermined his confidence.
I think I will end up firmly tethered to Sir X – we do love each other, even though it may not have been apparent – I was so angry with him. He knows me in all my moods and ways of being, at my worst and at my best, and there is a lot of reality in that.
Thanks for your thoughts, as always. 💜
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Hi Olivia,
I too am enjoying reading about the transformation happening in your relationship with Sir X. In my humble opinion you don’t need to have any judgement on youself. I love what Willie said about Sir Jon coming into your life for a reason. I know you miss him very much, and will continue to do so, but it sounds to me like you have some coping strategies to deal with the loss and I’m so glad of it.
So many positives came out of Jon’s influence in your life and the biggest being the re-kindling of the dynamic between you and Sir X. I’m glad to hear Sir X is embracing his dominance and establishing a way forward for you both.
Hugs
Roz
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