Alpha Submissives

/ olivia

I’ve considered myself a alpha submissive since I first heard the term. In my vanilla life, I don’t seem submissive – only the most astute Dom would think that I might be. I’ve always been grateful for the term alpha submissive since it seems to explain something about me.

I used to really like the term “princess warrior submissive,” a concept proposed by Michael Makai. He defined it like this:

“The Warrior Princess doesn’t need or want a rescuer. The Warrior Princess needs an ally that she can rely upon in the chaos of battle. She seeks a warrior equal to the tasks that she has already chosen for herself, and is demonstrably capable of accomplishing with, or without, his help. She is willing and able to fight the good fight alone, but welcomes the notion of having a worthy partner, fighting by her side. And yet, when the day’s fighting is done, she is perfectly at ease with considering herself entirely His – heart, might, mind, body, and soul.“

I particularly loved that because at the time I was deeply involved in several arenas of social justice and was committed to making a difference in the world. I think I am more veteran than warrior these days, but that still speaks to me.

Then I found out that some of Makai’s real life choices were really problematic and it undermined my respect for him. Without going into detail, I couldn’t feel comfortable rallying around him or the term anymore So, a bit sadly, I relinquished the idea of warrior princess submissive. 

But Alpha Submissive seemed to fit almost as well. Sir Jon talks about it here. Helen, at Ten Shades & Me, talked about it back in 2021 here. She does a really comprehensive job exploring the concept. And then, googling around this morning, as I do, I found an article on Medium about alpha submissives! Because it is a members only article, I’ll quote a little bit from the public part of it, but go read it here if you subscribe to Medium. 

“I’m a contrarian by nature. Meaning, I’m a person that opposes and/or rejects popular opinion; going against current practice. Women like me are rare. We are the one’s that are empowered and we aren’t fearful of empowering others. We are the take charge, go against the grain, and still have the kind of heart filled with compassion and empathy.”I’m a contrarian by nature. Meaning, I’m a person that opposes and/or rejects popular opinion; going against current practice. Women like me are rare. We are the one’s that are empowered and we aren’t fearful of empowering others. We are the take charge, go against the grain, and still have the kind of heart filled with compassion and empathy.

I handle my own day to day life with a take charge attitude. I lead. I mentor. I’m vocal and stand up for what I believe to be right. Even if it ruffles a lot of feathers along the way. I’m strong. I’m confident. I know exactly who I am and what I bring to the table.

The issue is, I’m also polar opposite too. Within the confines of a secure, emotional based relationship filled with trust, I’m also very submissive. That submission isn’t something I just hand out freely. It’s earned. It’s when I know you are going to take care of me, value and respect me in positions in life that I’m willing to let you take charge of. My submission is me letting go of the control I carry within everything else I do. Don’t be confused here, it’s not easily given. It’s my fully given gift of trust with everything that I am.

And last night, I was reading Exploring M/s and Sexuality, followed some threads and ran into the idea that “alpha submissive” only applies to situations where there are two submissives and one is alpha and the other beta. I shrugged. But then I ran off to do some research to see if that was accurate.

If it is “accurate,” whatever that means in this context, then there still has to be a term for this other thing. For submissives who who run things all day long and don’t want to do that – can’t do that – in their most intimate relationships. And since a word can have more than one meaning, even if the term does mean “alpha of two submissives,” we can still use it for this other concept. 

AND it just this minute occurred to me that nijntje might not want me to reference her blog. But it was inspirational for me – I can’t leave it out!! Well, I could will edit it out later if she does mind. I’m running with the “easier to beg forgiveness than ask for permission,” school of thought.

If you were wondering about my session last night with my Sir, suffice to say it was amazing. The only thing that might have made it better would have been if I actually knew how to use my new toys before we started playing. I mean, for goodness sake, how are these nipple clamps supposed to work?

22 thoughts on “Alpha Submissives”

  1. Terminology and nomenclature is often a shifting and entirely subjective thing, what is clearly defined for one, is not quite the term for another. As long as you can fit how you see yourself in your head, define it as you wish. If the terms you have seen don’t do, come up with your own. Perhaps Submissive Queen? Or something else. Or evolved submissive. But however you want to define it, know that how you see the role is important and what it means to you and your Sir. Loving these posts.

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    • You’re right, that’s all semantics and the term doesn’t matter as long as Sir and I understand what it means. But – there is something special about thinking that other people can see this part of me. Sometimes, I think that’s what BDSM is really about – the longing to be seen as we truly are. Shrug. Maybe that’s not possible anyhow. And maybe it’s a desire to belong – oh, yes, I’m part of this group. I fit here. Shrug, I don’t know.

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      • I understand that desire.
        To be seen and understood, that is a desire we all share.
        As for the group thing, I got that feeling a few years back, went to a convention (pre COVID) and I looked around, I had found my tribe. I think as you go on, more will see this truer version of you. As for belonging, I think you’ll crack that too ❤️

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      • Thanks for the encouraging words. 🙂.

        I have felt that sense of belonging before, and I often do here in the blog-a-verse.

        And I’m curious – what kind of convention was it where you found your tribe?

        Liked by 1 person

      • Unsurprisingly as an unrepentant geek, it was at a comics art festival. Everyone there was either a fan, or a professional, some were both. There’s was no TV/Film stuff, no actors being paid to sign stuff, just people who liked what I liked. It’s the one time I felt just like everyone else.

        Liked by 2 people

    • I agree. I am also not a fan of labels because they seem to set up for absolutes. I suppose I should just say I’m a Buffet Submissive. The ‘event, meal, circumstances ‘ will determine who shows up. I am definitely submissive except for in cases I cannot or should not be.

      I understand that labels help for some trying to figure out where they are or a jumping off point and gives a sense of inclusion, but I also feel with inclusion comes the opportunity for exclusion. .

      Anyway during a discussion last month with a friend of mine after a comment was left on a blog post ( the opinion of the poster was I was an Alpha Submissive) this friend chuckled and said, “who told you that???”. I do hold an elected position of slight power in my community and because of that I do occasionally have to go to bat , am a mother, daughter of super senior parents and those things require a tough exterior as well at times, and now am peri menopausal, which can be all kinds of messed up There is an armour I have to put on to accomplish things , one I don’t care to own but have to anyway. In my mind’s eye it doesn’t make me a warrior or an alpha anything, it just makes me human. As soon as I can I shed it. Certain people I’m with allow me not to have to carry it .

      It does make me ponder though. All these subcategories for Submissives… Does submissive without an adjective ahead of it mean weak to some? We all believe it takes strength to submit, so that cannot be for the community to think. Perhaps it does boil down to the individual’s perception of self and the ability to feel ok with the term submissive applied to themselves? ( Just thinking out loud, not trying to cause a ruckus)

      Funny this all reminds me of an introvert/extrovert conversation I have had. My extended family think me an extrovert ( I am assuming because I am comfortable with them so they have never know the other side ) .Some casual friends and some very deep friends both saw the introvert. One casual friend said to me ” you’re a situational extrovert”. Maybe I’m a situational Alpha? Lol!

      Keep on thinking and digging Olivia! I find it keeps those submissive feelings breathing and growing !

      willie

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      • You make some great points here, Willie. I don’t know. I guess I do have some ambivalence about being submissive. Sometimes it seems like it means something different to other people than it does to me, even Sir Jon has some very different ideas about what it means from what I think it means for me. So when someone says, “oh, you’re like this,” and it feels accurate, it’s exciting. Shrug.

        Thanks for all the food for thought!

        💜

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      • You know, I’m not sure being ambivalent is a negative in this case ( if that is what you were implying). I used to need to not be, but I find this time around it makes me ask questions and challenge my thoughts and feelings- though sometimes that has led to some darker thoughts than the first round a hundred years ago. Those questioning thoughts have led to many reassuring conversations that couldn’t happen before because I was too afraid to share.

        “Sometimes it seems like it means something different to other people than it does to me, even Sir Jon has some very different ideas about what it means from what I think it means for me. ”

        I believe it should mean different things to different people. How can it not, we’re all unique. So many times I feel like a fish out of water in various areas of my life. It wasn’t until I met a now close friend that I realized I often AM a fish out of water, and that’s perfectly okay! Nothing is one size fits all, even if it says so. I have come to realize that no matter how much someone knows you, and sometimes they do know you better than you’re willing to accept in the moment, than you know yourself, when it gets right down to it, you have to define yourself. If nothing fits, alter it. No point in wearing anything, submissive adjective or clothes if you don’t think it fits. If it’s comfortable for now, embrace it! Maybe it fits for now, but won’t down the line. Life’s organic, submission probably isn’t any different that way either.

        Thanks for giving us an opportunity to think. I do appreciate the vulnerability you are willing to share as you move along as well as the acceptance of people’s comments.

        willie

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      • Thanks, Willie, I appreciate your appreciation a lot!! And I’m glad that people are finding this a place to consider and discuss ideas. That means a lot to me.

        I agree about ambivalence not being bad, even if it’s not so comfortable. It’s not like I can really cast aside my own thoughts and beliefs and let anyone else define me – or tell me what to do for real. It’s not like I’m in an in person dynamic where my Sir knows the ins and outs of my vanilla life. Like it or not, there’s a split there. And I have to be the one that decides where the boundaries are. Although I don’t think it would be that different for me in person either – it wasn’t in the far distant past.

        Anyhow, thank you for your willingness to stir the pot and add a different perspective!! Hope you dynamic is renewing beautifully. 💜

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  2. hi Olivia! *smiles*

    i’m afraid i found myself in much the same predicament as you and the blog you have quoted. i decided that to me my ‘submissive type’ isn’t important because i’m not in the community trying to get along anyway so i have simply chalked it up to my personality type (which is very rare and confuses people anyway LoL). i’ve never been a fan of labels anyway so i set it all to rest.

    as to trying to use terms in a D/s setting, i think the difference in the idea of alpha sub may be an old guard vs. new guard situation. terms take on new meanings and evolve in the vanilla world so i suppose they do here too. whatever you decide to use, as long as those close to you know the meaning of it – i think that’s all that matters. 🙂

    i also don’t consider myself in having a little side either – mine is a bunny. *shrug* i just like to keep things different and confusing i guess! just ask The Bear! *laughing*

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    • Thanks, nijntje! I appreciate this input. Of course you’re right – it doesn’t really matter anyhow. I know that’s not exactly what you said, but it is the real take-away.

      And yet – there’s something satisfying about having a label that fits.

      I love the idea of your “little side” being a bunny. I imaging the the wolf types are particularly drawn to that image!

      Thanks, again, for your comment!

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  4. Hi Olivia,

    It’s interesting isn’t it how many different personality types there are and this, of course applies in the D/s world too. Labels can be helpful as a starting point, but it can be difficult working out where we fit, most of us are a potpourri lol, submissive, Dominant in work/vanilla life etc.

    I think the key is being true to yourself and having a Dom that understands you.

    Hugs
    Roz

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    • Hey, Roz – it is interesting – and of course you’re right. We are a potpourri. Part of the fun is teasing out the different parts too.

      Definitely being true to yourself is key! Always. Having a Dom who understands you is a huge plus too!

      💜

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  5. I wish I had something thoughtful to contribute here. You have generated a lot of discussion with this post! I’ve never been one to worry too much about labels. I suppose I am an alpha submissive, as I am a dominant person in most areas of my life. My Sir has referred to this as my quiet but powerful nature, as I tend to listen more than I speak (except when I am teaching) but have a strong presence. I should think on this some, but it’s just who I am. I am powerful, capable, intelligent AND I am a submissive girl to the right (and lucky) dominant man. Another great post, beautiful lady! XOXO

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