Last night, Sir Jon made sure that my needs for spanking were met. The spoon, the bath brush, even the red spatula I brought from home, were all put to good use. It seemed like he is learning how far to take me, pushing me a bit farther, and it was so, so amazingly good.
And.
That intensity of feelings, overwhelmed by waves of pain and waves of pleasure, extreme arousal, the willingness to obey, the sensation of being open to whatever he asks of me…
All of that led me to crash shortly after we were finished.
I don’t think it was subdrop – too soon for that. More like a desire for aftercare that he couldn’t give, because we are long-distance and because he didn’t know I needed it.
I felt a huge wave – practically a tsunami – of abandonment. Every abandonment issue I ever had (and there are plenty) came rising up to drown me. That makes me feel very small and sad, alone and hopeless.
Usually, I would either talk myself out of it somehow, “you’re being silly, you shouldn’t feel this way.” Or I would write a “you don’t care about me, I’m out of here,” message in the heat of the moment and resolve never to be vulnerable again.
I am proud of myself for not doing either of those things. I guess all my mindfulness practice really is working. I was able to notice the feeling and allow it to be there. I did message Sir, a short message, without accusations or drama. I knew, even in the worst moments, that this wasn’t his fault. I managed to remember that I can trust him.
I took care of myself a little bit – read a book, drank some herbal tea – and messaged him again so when he saw it, he would know I wasn’t upset with him. And I went to bed.
I think it’s really easy to talk about being vulnerable and how great that is, until I’m in the throes of some frigging vulnerable experience. But submission does this – it opens me up to all the pleasures of obedience and spanking and cock worship, AND it opens me up to all the things I don’t want to feel. Like Pandora’s box, once it’s open, everything comes flying out.
That’s the price of submission, and the beauty of submission.
When I woke up about 2 a.m., as I do, there was a message from Sir.
He wasn’t dismissive or defensive, he heard me without telling me I was wrong to feel that way. He didn’t apologize, but he didn’t need to because it wasn’t his fault. But he didn’t blame me either. He was calm and caring and held space for me however I was.
Youall, I could feel my heart healing as I read his message. My Sir is someone I can trust with my heart.
And that’s the potential of submission for me, the amazing beauty of it. In therapy, we talk about corrective emotional experiences – when old feelings get triggered, we expect the same kinds of responses we’ve always gotten. When we get a different, more affirming response, it not only makes us feel better in the moment, it helps us heal the old injuries.
BDSM is not therapy (obviously) and it can’t actually take the place of therapy. BUT there can be some powerful healing connected with it. That healing leads to emotional and spiritual growth – or it can.
And of course, all of that folds back into the desire and longing to please him.
Olivia 
I’m so sorry to hear about the drop Olivia. Good on you for recognising it for what it was and for how you dealt with it. Some self care was the key. Glad too that your Sir also recognised and affirmed your feelings and help you heal.
Hugs
Roz
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Thank you, Roz! Yep, self-care is super important!! And Sir is the best. 😊 Thanks for being so supportive. 💜
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Good for you. Hugs. Keep exploring.
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Thanks, Angel! You know I will… 💜
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This sounds like such a hard experience, Olivia, but it sounds like you handled the sudden emotions with a lot of poise. Hopefully the low emotions finally subsided and you were able to find your safe space in his arms again. 😊
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Thank you so much! Yes, the low emotions subsided as soon as I got his message, and I do feel myself tucked safely in his arms again. I like the way you phrased that… 😊
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Very good to hear 😊
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Any close and intimate connection comes with the highs and lows. We often have that absence feel as abandonment, despite our rational mind knowinfg that is not the case. Giving full reign to your desires and then submitting to another will make you vunerable, but when the person in it with you knows to strengthen that intimate bond, then it proves how strong you are to wear that vunerability.
I am enjoying following you on this path and am heartened by the joy you are finding along it.
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I really like the way you phrase that about vulnerability. It’s true. This kind of exchange takes us deeper into the relationship. “Giving full reign to my desires and then submitting to another” is a deep vulnerability, isn’t it? And so worth it when it’s followed by care and understanding.
I love that you’re on this path, traveling with me. Wishing all the joy for you as well. It makes me think of the poet, Rumi.
“What you seek is seeking you.”
― Mawlana Jalal-al-Din Rumi
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My dear sweet girl, you make me sound much better and wiser than I think I truly am but I won’t argue with it. 😉 We did have a great deal of fun and thank you for trusting me to stretch your limits a little.
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Thank you, my Sir. Maybe you are better and wiser than you think…
It was an amazing night and I’m so glad we had that time together. 💜 🥰
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With such intense highs, can come the intense lows (hopefully not too often). I’m sorry to hear that you experienced this but so glad to read that you knew how to take care of yourself in the moment, and that you didn’t let your emotions spin out of control, causing you to say or write something that you may have regretted. It sounds like you handled it very well. I have experienced this a handful of times too and remember how deeply emotional and alone I felt in those moments. I’ve always referred to those experiences as sub drop, but it sounds like you classify it in a different way. Whatever it is…my heart goes out to you! However,…it does sound like you had quite a bit of fun leading up to that 🙂 XOXO
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Thanks, Nora, it is a really common thing to happen, I know. I’m glad I was able to ride the waves of it rather than being pulled under by it too! It is intenses. I’ve never experienced sub drop this close to the event itself – it usually hits me a couple of days later. But apparently this still qualifies. Yes, I googled it, looking for the correct diagnostic criteria, I am such a nerd. 🙄
I had SO much fun leading up to it, it was ridiculous. Thanks for the supportive words, as always!! 💜
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My sincere hope for you is that in future intense situations your subconscious does not choose flight mode because it is trying to protect you from what could potentially be coming down the line 💕.
I don’t mean to be negative, just honest. You, most likely more than any of us are probably aware of how healing can take many steps backwards as well as forward. This area can be no different to that ( for some). I have personally felt the triumph you have ( and congrats by the way!) only to be confused by my reaction a different time to a less intense situation. So what did my mind and body start to do? -thwart my desired vulnerability path. There’s nothing more disheartening than knowing you can be somewhere and the only thing stopping you is you.
I am only mentioning this now so perhaps it is something you can ward off. Or if it does happen you are aware and realize it’s not unusual ( again for some I certainly cannot speak for everyone). Vulnerability can be a beautiful discovery, but a messy one😉
willie
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Thanks, Willie, for sure that’s my hope too – that I can ride the waves of whatever feelings come up for me, notice them without reacting in ways that aren’t helpfu!!
You’re so right, just because I was able to navigate the situation well once, and experience a sense of healing, doesn’t mean it won’t be an issue again. I appreciate you mentioning it and sharing your own experience. That’s always helpful.
Vulnerability is messy – life is messy! It’s nice to have company here in the muck. (So to speak…) 💜
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LOL…you sound like me! The first time it happened to me, I was googling my symptoms, and looking for everything I could find on sub drop. I’ve only experienced it in a super intense way a few times, and all of those times were around the beginning of Sir and I’s dynamic. I still feel a bit depleted after an intense session these days, and occasionally get some of the more emotional symptoms, but nothing a little aftercare can’t fix right up. It’s become much more manageable. It makes sense though, doesn’t it? When you are that excited, perpetually aroused, mentally stimulated, adrenaline coursing through your veins, of course your body is going to be super depleted after. The price we pay for having the time of our lives! XOXO
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Exactly! I’ve experienced it before, just never that quickly. But it does make perfect sense. The rewards are well worth the price we pay, for sure!! 💜
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The time after can be challenging in long distance. We all crave that human touch, warm of the body.
You’ve managed beautifully, in a very mature way.
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Yes, and I am fairly starved for touch. If I actually lived alone, I think I’d look into getting a cuddle buddy.
Thanks for the praise – I appreciate that. All my mindfulness practice paying off!
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