Exploring My Submission

/ olivia

I shared this in a comment yesterday, but want to play with it a bit more today. 

“I do not want to be the leader. I refuse to be the leader. I want to live darkly and richly in my femaleness. I want a man lying over me, always over me. His will, his pleasure, his desire, his life, his work, his sexuality the touchstone, the command, my pivot. I don’t mind working, holding my ground intellectually, artistically; but as a woman, oh, God, as a woman I want to be dominated. I don’t mind being told to stand on my own feet, not to cling, be all that I am capable of doing, but I am going to be pursued, fucked, possessed by the will of a male at his time, his bidding.”
― Anaïs Nin

I love this quote – love that it acknowledges that submitting to a man doesn’t mean you can’t function as a person or that you’re less than, have less control or less power intellectually, artistically, and, I would add, in whatever work you do. Even if you’re a stay-at-home mom. I am adamant and insistent on this because otherwise I can confuse submission with doing what everybody else wants me to do for them, or even with submitting to abusive men. 

I love that this quote expresses the amazing feeling of submission. It gives me chills every time I read it – and makes me think, “Yes, please, I want some of that.”

I don’t love that in this quote, Nin seems almost dismissive about her own work. As if it is completely separate. Maybe, probably it wasn’t really like that for her – maybe she was able to integrate them. I would need to reread her work to remember.

But i think that for me, the challenge is integrating both aspects of myself. Not – as I’ve always tried to do – to separate the kink from the vanilla and limit the overlap. I think maybe I touched on this yesterday?

But I’m in a watershed of change – transformation – renewal – all of those things, and it’s happening so fast, it’s a bit hard to track. Roller coaster of thoughts and feelings…

But I wanted to share this comment from Willie, with thanks to her, and Nora and Roz and Angel and Fondles, who are all offering so much support and guidance as I go through this.  Willie said:

I feel that active submission gives my inner voice volume. My entire life prior to Ds had been about serving others and anticipating their needs regardless of who they were in my life. This actually made it difficult a million years ago when we started Dd/Ds . B eventually moved into submissive exercises as some of the things we once read about, I had been always doing so they didn’t seem submissive to me- THEN my heart seemed to have purpose ! And like you talked about, I think ( lol it’s been a week here) the mundane , or things I always did prior became more than acts of service .When your submissive heart is engaged, there is a freedom and with that a confidence in accepting yourself. Funny, of everything I’ve ever read, “you have to love yourself first blah, blah, blah” I was never able to make that happen before B actively embraced my submission. Once that happened things snowballed. My perception of self changed and I walked more upright, figuratively speaking, because I do so with authenticity of self.

In that comment, there is a nice integration of submission and how we live in the vanilla world, a recognition that submission can feed who we are in a constructive way. I have sometimes been able to believe that if I embraced submission, I would be better able to live and work in all parts of my life. But I haven’t let myself explore that idea.

If I can keep from running, and if Sir can continue to offer his patient kindness and understanding AND require hard spankings when appropriate or whenever he wants me to have them – if all of that, I might be able to do this integrating parts thing. I think my relationship with my Sir has opened up just about every wounded area I have – which can be the first step to healing… and he has not been throwing salt on those injuries…

It’s still scary, y’all. And yet, I remind myself, my Sir is trustworthy, and I will try better to relax and know that – know that he loves me.

29 thoughts on “Exploring My Submission”

  1. I read Delta of Venus years ago, her work was full of passion and the yielding of the self. It never seemed above being less than yourself, but surrendering to your desires and owning that.
    It’s a reminder that submission is a gift, a sub offers their heart so fully as to encompass their body as well. The Dom holds that heart, so the sub can still be who they are in the regular world, but feel safe and loved and we all want that deep down, the differences between us are what that means. Thoughts like this are why I am such a fan of your blog, you make me think of things differently and there’s a quote by Anais Nin that you reminded me o
    “We don’t see things as they are, we see things as we are.”

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    • KM, I agree, I don’t think Nin meant she was being less than herself, not really. I’m glad she doesn’t make this split that I tend to make – vanilla me and submissive me. But I love this description of how D/s works – “the Dom holds the heart…” touched my heart. Yes, that is pretty much what we all want.

      That is another great quote from Nin too – and true. I’m so glad you’re a fan of my blog!! I like hearing your voice here.

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  2. I love this post, olivia! While I am at peace with this part of me, I have written before about how being a submissive does not make me a doormat. I know that I am a smart, independent, and capable person. And… there is a need inside of me to submit to a strong and dominant man. My submission is fulfilling for me and deeply sexual. I don’t think this makes me “less than”, in fact, I think I am brave for allowing myself to have these experiences. I think it helps that Sir often reminds me that my submission to him is all the more sweeter because I am a strong and capable person. He sees that in me and when I kneel before him, he recognizes the precious gift that I am giving him. Great post ❤

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    • Thanks, Nora! I know that being submissive doesn’t make me less than – and it certainly doesn’t make either of us less smart, independent, or capable. In fact, I’ve been told I’m too competent for my own good…. And I agree too – strong Dominants often appreciate subs who have a lot of strength.

      I think it’s the split I’ve felt – that there is vanilla me and there is kinky me, or submissive me. That’s what I want to integrate.

      I so appreciate your thoughts here – love being able to have this conversation. Thank you.
      💜

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  4. Sheesh this Willie chick is wordy! Lol. And on that note I do have a comment for this post too, it’s just that I have been busy today doing annoying things ( I was afraid to stop and comment for fear I’d not go back to the annoying stuff. Lol).

    I hope to comment later. Not that you’re waiting with baited breath or anything, but I did want you to know I did read your post.

    willie

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  5. It is fascinating to follow your journey, dear Olivia. The courage not to run anymore, the self-acceptance – I can relate to all that too. It really changes you, when you accept who you are. You feel more secure, more content, and deep down, more calm.

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    • Thanks Jo, I’m glad you’re with me here! You’re right – acceptance is so necessary if we’re going to find any kind of real peace and fulfillment. Your words make me see that part of my experience is in the shift from being able to accept living a submission-free life to be deeply immersed in it with Sir. A bit of whiplash, maybe… Thank you! 💜

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  6. So, no pressure then. Lol

    Okay where do I begin ? I am going to be the fish out of water here and express some things contrary to things expressed by others. My feelings on the subject though are just that, my feelings. I’m not looking to convert anyone nor am I looking to be converted. That being said, I do love a good debate.

    Now a days I generally don’t bother expressing things I feel differently about, but maybe you will find something of value to help rectify whatever it is you feel you’re having difficulty with?

    We feel differently about submission and kink. Perhaps I should say, I don’t find submission a kink. There are plenty of things I have done over the years in the name of submission that are kink related – but I don’t feel being a submissive is a kink, it’s just who I am- much like a personality trait. I know, ‘but you’re not submissive to everyone ‘, but I also don’t show all depths of my personality to everyone all the time either

    Don’t get me wrong, being in an active D/s relationship can be highly charged sexually – but for me a great deal of that comes from the ability to be unguarded. The feelings between B and I are heightened because we are greatly connected. When I’m with our dominant friends, there still is a heighten connection, because we have the power of each being ourselves, but it’s not sexual.

    Which brings me to the gift aspect of submission. That is one line of thinking I have never subscribed to. For the most part it is because of what I said above. I am submissive – submission isn’t something I ‘do’ ….well it IS lol , but it’s who I am. I no more gift myself to B than he does to me.

    I’m sure you’ve probably read Conquer Me by Kacie Cunningham. I went back to reread a few things just now to see how she explained things. I can provide a lengthy quote from her, ( The entire first paragraph from chapter 16) if you do not have her book, but she expresses the same thing I did, only way better. She goes on to say that if submission is a gift, so therefore is dominance. It’s mutually satisfactory.

    All this unguarded talk made me decide to unlock my old blog. Most of the reasons I closed it down are gone, and I can manage the others now. All this to say I have a post there you may want to read where I flounder around talking about all of these things ( ya know, if you’re not too exhausted trying to figure out all you’re stuff). There is absolutely no pressure to read it, but some of my older posts have me struggling to rectify many beliefs I had as well.

    https://barneymarriedwilma.blogspot.com/2016/01/i-am-and-terrified.html?m=1&zx=81738d8f768555c

    *IF* you do decide to read the post, there is a comment by one half of my closest 2 friends. At one point she says,

    “Accepting vulnerability is sometimes difficult, embracing vulnerability is rarely anything but difficult.”

    I missed the depth of that thought the first time around. Still always learning 😉

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    • Omg, Willie, you have opened a can of worms here! For the record, I am not real big on “my submission is a gift to my Dom” either. Surprised? I might be a gift, you know, my delghtfully passionate self (I can’t believe I just said that.). But my submission is also just part of who I am – although I could argue that I am more Domme in the vanilla world. But no, I’m not a switch. And maybe not Domme – and it all gets confusing in my head.

      The quote you shared from your friend though, that rings true. There is a lot to sit with there. Thank you.

      AND I am not going deep into this now because I want to go further into it in the next few days. Thanks so much for raising this point and for sharing your post!! We’ll see where this train of thought carries us…

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    • Willie, I finally took a minute to read your post. That was such a beautiful expression of your feelings at that point in your journey. I absolutely think I know what you mean when you say you are submissive rather than that being something you do. Submissive at the core.

      I won’t go through all my thoughts here because then I’ll just want to do it again in a post. But, as I say so often these days, thanks for giving me more to think about! 💜

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  7. Hi Olivia,

    Amazing thoughts in this post Olivia, from everyone lol. I am enjoying reading about your current journey of self-discovery and I would say growth and gaining more strength. I personally feel it takes strength to submit and strength comes out of submitting. (I would be curious on Sir Jon’s thoughts on that also).

    Hugs
    Roz

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    • It is a wonderful conversation, isn’t it? I’m glad you are part of it! I agree with you on needing strength to submit and gaining strength from it. I’m curious now about Sir’s thoughts on it too…
      💜

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    • Hey Roz, good to see you again. Thanks for asking for my input. Oh, I agree submission takes strength. Submission is scary at the D/s level. It’s a lot like the leap of faith they have you do in therapy. Fall backwards and trust someone will catch you. That someone is the Sir, Dom, Master, Daddy that the submissive trusts. She gathers herself and pulls up her courage or strength and allows herself to fall into his commands, his desires, his darker passions, and trust she will be caught, held, and cared for after all is said and done.

      As the submissive relaxes herself and lets it happen then she becomes stronger in her self-confidence, her sexuality. As a Dom/Guy, it’s easy for me to see when a woman is comfortable in her sexuality. It shows in her walk, her manner, her eyes, her clothes she wears. I see it all the time. I’ve also seen the transformation that happens when a woman embraces her sensuality/submission and becomes more beautiful or sexy to the world around her. Some refer to this as “the glow.” “What’s different about you lately?” That’s a question she begins to hear.

      So…to summarize. You’re right. 😉 Good girl.

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  8. A lot of these things interweave, don’t they?

    I remember being told to “toughen up” by a few people when I was going through a hard time, and I remember someone telling me that a lot of the people who told me that were not as “strong” as they claimed to be… that their “toughness” was a hard shell that stopped things getting close enough to hurt.

    Being vulnerable actually allows you to experience so many textures and feelings… but it comes with the risk of being hurt. I think for me, there has always been a vulnerable place I go to that lies at the heart of my suubmissive self.

    It’s at the core of how I see the world, how I write… and yes, deeply liberating at times…

    but still something I tend to experience very much on my own terms. All over the place here. But then, sometimes I need to just float. I think I have some cloud in me. 🤣

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    • Hi, Woodsy, Thanks so much for reading and commenting!

      Yes, I think these things definitely interweave! Sometimes, It feels like I spend a lot of time taking them apart to see what’s there then weaving them back together in different ways. But it’s so fascinating. To me, it’s a bit like a kaleidoscope.

      I agree – that ‘toughen up’ stuff is not what I think of as strength anyhow. I don’t know that I can define what I mean by strength exactly, not off the top of my head. One more thing on my things to consider!

      But, vulnerability is at the heart of my submission too.

      This made me smile so much: “But then, sometimes I need to just float. I think I have some cloud in me.” I can see that on a coffee mug…
      💜

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      • Okay, here I go again. I’m on a coffee break, with no cloud on my cup either, sadly. Years ago I reflected on vulnerability etc ..and one time I wrote a post about it not being the end goal. You can imagine the backlash. Lol. It came about because B confessed to me that at the start of ttwd he couldn’t figure out why anyone would WANT to be vulnerable. He was thinking in military terms. But I decided to look more into the term invulnerable for our discussion. This is what I wrote:

        ‘While clicking around on the internet, I came across invulnerability. Here is a definition given for this word—
        Incapable of being wounded, or of receiving injury; not vulnerable.
        Unanswerable; irrefutable; unable to be damaged by an attack or convinced’

        I will tell you when I am what I have previously stated in my most ‘vulnerable state’, I actually feel VERY content in my own skin, I am almost euphoric, and I feel very, very STRONG because of it.

        I wrote recently about hair trigger emotions, and being vulnerable and the potential for hurt. After reading and discussing today, I am beginning to think I was wrong about that. The potential for hurt isn’t IN what I used to refer to as my most vulnerable state, it happens as I am leaving it. The fear of losing it has me reacting the way I do. While I am what I refer to as “in the zone”, ” true to my core” , “in the bulls eye” or ” squishey, squashy, cuddly with my husband” I am Teflon Girl. The little troubles of the world slide off me, rather than stick and burn. Sure life and all her bipolar bitchiness throws stuff our way that has me moving from my core, but I am open and unguarded with my husband and others. I am not defensive. I don’t look for ‘monsters under the bed’ that aren’t there. Bumps in the night are just that. Even moving slightly away from my core, those things all have similar perspective. What I am not though is a dictionary definition of vulnerable. Because that definition has not one word of strength or contentment in it.”

        Just thought I’d throw that out there. I know as a collective we have to be willing to give our vulnerability to another. I think maybe really that means, sharing all of ourselves and yes there is always a fear of being hurt through rejection ( misinterpretation etc) . So we are potentially vulnerable depending on the situation, but overall going through those situations create a strength – A strength of conviction of self, even if the outside world believes that version to be weak- if you do not, you’re invulnerable.

        Liked by 1 person

      • So I’m going to try to put this in my own words. If I understand you right – when you’re able to be open and vulnerable with your husband and others , then you move into what I think of as a “flow state,” where you are more fully yourself, grounded in your own reality, unperturbed by little life problems or other people’s percieved judgment of you. But the difficulty – the suffering from life – comes when you move out of that state. Does that sound like what you’re saying? I know, probably not exactly, perfectly, but close?

        That makes sense to me. I think being vulnerable has a lot of different facets. I also really agree that being invulnerable is not the place to be if we want to live a happy life. When we’re invulnerable, we have to numb our feelings to stay there, and we lose so much that way.

        So much to think about here… Thank you.

        Like

      • Absolutely to the first portion of your comment. As for the invulnerable aspect, I think becoming vulnerable eventually gives me the “positive spin” on the invulnerable definition. All the good without the negative connotation associated with it. Unlike the idea of someone who is invulnerable because they are untouchable or unapproachable as a defence mechanism, my core is out in the open, exposed, but safe from (most harm) because I walked through vulnerability and survived what it took to expose myself to others. My whole being isn’t invulnerable, just my sense of self because there is a power within that cannot be altered any longer. But, vulnerability and my acceptance of it got me there. Does that make any sense to you? ( I should have just copied the original post. Lol)

        Liked by 1 person

      • Ok, yes, thanks for that clarification. So, in the process of being open and vulnerable, we develop an invulnerability for our core self. Is that right? If so, interesting. I’m not sure I agree, I have to think about that.

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      • I wouldn’t have agreed before I felt it myself. Not assuming you have or have not that is. Just saying that I once had many ideas of what things were or would be and the deeper I personally got into my Submissive self the more those ideas were not the reality. Lol. Of course feeling something and then expressing it accurately don’t always go hand in hand either. Lol.

        Maybe …. While there is , it takes strength to submit, there comes a point where the strength is from submission?

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