My Submissive Heart

This post, by Nora Jean at Living a Loving Life reminded me of an aspect of submission that I hadn’t been thinking about lately.  She said:

“As a result I am trying very hard to approach our new dynamic with what I am calling my ‘submissive heart’, looking for opportunities to demonstrate my submissiveness to and for Frank.”

Those words made me realize that i have not been in touch with my own submissive heart – that it’s at least half-way covered with a self-protective layer of shell.   It seemed to be necessary at one time, and I won’t second-guess myself from here.  Maybe it is still needed.

I’ve gotten a glimpse of it lately – felt it for a moment – that opening/giving/offering part of myself.

I won’t force it.

I might have thought at one time that i needed to figure out how to speed the process, how to push myself into it.  Or, in the time before that, it would have happened totally spontaneously, without thought or caution.  One minute feeling the belt, the next minute feeling all desire to please and serve.

Now, i choose to trust myself. i am glad that NJ reminded me of that feeling – that softened openness – and i’m pretty sure i’ll feel that again.  But today, i chose to honor my own wisdom to know when and how it will happen.

Interesting that when i google “the submissive heart,” it’s all articles about submitting to God that pop up.  But when i shift to images – it’s all BDSM.   Some lovely memes.  (Ok, one was a God meme.  But still…)

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images

A submissive is a strong, independent, talented, capable woman in her own right, yet, she hungers to please and serve her Dominant.

When she finds the right Dominant, the submissive will wear his mark on her heart and soul.  Just as she will forever be a part of His heart and soul – marked in His own way by the submissive He owns.

 

 

22 thoughts on “My Submissive Heart

  1. For me, past experiences show that forcing it ends in that deer caught in the headlights and then I backpedal. At times I have been patient with that and other times, not so much which left me speeding along and emotional repair later (on me, not him). Yes, that softened openness-well said.

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    1. Yes. Forcing it can end with that deer in the headlights feeling and some backpedaling. You know, I feel like I did so much work on myself when I was Dom-less and not sure what I was doing or going to do, I think I need to hold some of that space for myself still. But I do miss that feeling…

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  2. Years ago I wrote a post about my Submissive Heartset- just went back to read it. Boy have things changed since then. I won’t bore you with those details LOL. For many of us ttwd takes many twists and turns, as you well know. Some have long periods of dormancy compared to dominance. For those who experience that I truly believe it does take longer to find your submissive heartset again.

    In the beginning, or first attempt if you will, it did seem a bit easier ( looking back), but as time goes on and more bumps in the road happen it can take its toll. The sting of a belt, doesn’t clear the cobwebs as easily. For me it was a matter of trust, not just in B but also in myself. Slowly over time, without realizing it, I began to shut off certain aspects of my submission because the fear of vulnerability was growing and casting a shadow over it. This isn’t to say I didn’t want it, but one’s mind has a way of self preservation.

    Which brings me to Bleue’s excellent comment. In *my* personal experience I did have to do a lot of ‘behind the scenes’ work. In some ways I suppose it can be likened to exercising to prepare for a marathon- running a long distance is the goal, working on my cardo in other ways helped achieve it. While not ‘forcing’ anything I did have to force myself to do or act a certain way to help things along. This is not to say that at times it didn’t feel very much like ‘going through the motions’ or ‘fake it ’til you make it’. It very much did. But some how in all that awkwardness, and aloneness to a degree, I believe I started to soften that outer shell- so together we burst open the Submissive Heartset.

    Meh, maybe this makes no sense. LOL.

    Good luck with your evolution or return!

    willie

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    1. Thanks for sharing your experience, Willie, it does make sense. This is such a journey, and yes, everyone’s has their own twists and turns. The fear of vulnerability is real.

      So here’s a question. Did you decide what your submission would look like, or did your husband/Dom demand it or some combination in between? When it felt like “going through the motions” were you doing it because he wanted you to, or because you felt that was what your submission looked like?

      Thanks for the good luck wishes! We’ll see where I go…

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      1. Wow, so many questions with different answers depending where we were at at the time. I’ll try to think of simpler answers that don’t high jack your blog and get back to you! Lol

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      2. Ok back, and on a computer so it is easier for me to type. LOL.

        1) Did you decide what submission looked like or did your husband/Dom demand it or some combination in between?.

        We initially arrived at D/s (or so I thought, long story) via the Dd aspect of D/s. I didn’t really have a clue what I was getting into on a personal level back then. I would say in our early stages I most definitely defined what it was to be ‘submissive’. And I was pretty damn good at it too! LOL. BUT was I *A* submissive? hmmm. I was to the degree I could feel it in my heart, but back then B demanded very little of me. For the most part I worked on all the reasons why I felt I couldn’t let go and feel the true freedom I later felt with my submission.

        As time progressed and all the pieces I was working on came into view as a bigger picture of me and my motivations for doing/not doing/ feeling/not feeling certain things B started to demand more of me, and a need grew for a deeper submission. It was as if the Dd aspect only breached the surface. Once I started to feel the authenticity of his actions the real transformation began. He didn’t demand huge things ( at the start…and often in between) but it was as if his requirements made their way through my now thinning shell and cracked it open further. During this time one would assume that I will just be going with the flow, but alas anyone who KNOWS me knows I tend to what others say ‘over think’ . Pfft. Thankfully I had a few like minded friends who even if they experienced different aspects understood the hesitation of what was transpiring in me.

        This time was not without MUCH struggle as far as our relationship went. You see initially I defined in my head and didn’t really need B other than back up. Somehow the tables had turned and I needed him to cultivate my submission. I often use the analogy of throwing a ball against a wall. It is very easy to catch it if you are the one bouncing it. Then someone else comes along and you alternate throws off of the wall. A tad more challenging, but still doable, predictable. Suddenly you are playing catch with no wall. Not so easy. A toss goes high or low, you are diving, missing. People are getting frustrated etc….I wish in those times I had been more understanding and less frustrated with the process. It was messy. I hadn’t ever really learned to rely on someone to that capacity and often felt hurt and abandoned, which left B scratching his head.

        Which leads me to your second question: When it felt like “going through the motions” were you doing it because he wanted you to, or because you felt that was what your submission looked like?
        When I go through the motions, what is my reason….phew, well various motivation depending on the time it happens. The primary reason ( though not the other day! lol) is the fact that I know I have to weaken my shell before I can feel his presence the way I want to. I have a very strong force field if you will and while he can and has broken through it on his own, there are times ( because life is a total bitch) I have to get my brain where my heart wants to be. So if I fixate on being submissive in a concrete way, my heart eventually follows suit. ( Stupid visual, think of the old cartoon The Carebears, when they burst out rainbows from their chests). I can’t do it completely on my own anymore like I used to be able to, but I can make the process easier for both of us.

        I have many blog posts on this on my (dusty) private blog if you are in search of material of a Dysfunctional D/s relationship! LOL. Let me know.

        willie

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  3. Your experience and trust in yourself shines through in this post, Olivia … I love that you are honouring your wisdom in letting your submissiveness come to you … and my heart was touched by the beautiful words at the end … hugs! … nj

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    1. Thank you NJ. I really appreciate that. And I’m so glad you liked the quotes about submission and dominance. And thanks for getting me started going down this track!!

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  4. So much to think about. I don’t know if I have a submissive heart? I’m still confused. Thanks for all of the prompt ideas. Trying to get back into writing and they are perfect!
    Amy

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    1. Thanks Amy, I’m glad the post was interesting to you. Also glad you liked the prompts – I’ll look forward to seeing what you write! And maybe you could also explore “what is this submissive heart thing and do I have one?” 🙂 Hugs…

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      1. Amy, when I first started years ago, I didn’t have a clue! Seriously, I thought I could be submissive. Heck it sounded so sexy right? But the ‘type’ of women I read about etc…I couldn’t be that person. I couldn’t let go of control like that ( emotional more than actual things). I wasn’t built like that. I have always kept a part of me to myself ( still can be a bit of a default for me at times), and I just didn’t see me ever changing to that degree. Maybe you don’t have a submissive heart, but maybe you should think on Olivia’s question more. What does a submissive heart look like to you?

        You know me, I am no wall flower so don’t ever think a submissive does not have spunk. LOL. Just like a Dom doesn’t have to be a Primate. My advice, when you are doing little submissive things, listen for a smaller voice inside ( not just the tingle in your crotch. LMAO). When you are doing things you know Eric won’t like, listen for a smaller voice inside. Is there one? What is it saying? Are you choosing to ignore it and if it is something submissive you are doing, are you choosing to add to it?
        willie

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  5. I agree with everything willie said an will add that being faithful to each task as one way to keep my focus on her… and helps keep my heart open. I’m also a token giver of love and speak every love language often.When I push through, go through the motions doing my best, grace finds me. 💗

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