Just stopping by

It’s been a hard week – maybe couple of weeks.

Yesterday, in a moment of blinding clarity, i was reminded that the only person looking out for me is me.  At the time, i was awash in a wave of self-pity, and even cried a little bit, just from loneliness, you know?   It wasn’t – nobody did anything terrible to me.  They just weren’t thinking about me.  And really, MP is the only one who could have been expected to be thinking about me, and his health problems really suck up a lot of his energy.  Which he can’t help.

So  i let myself be hurt and angry for a bit, and then this morning i said something to him about the particular incident, so i didn’t just carry it around forever.  But then something else happened –

He was cutting some fruit for his lunch, and i asked him to get something down out of the cabinet because i couldn’t reach it.  He always tells me to ask him rather than using my usual technique with a long-handled plastic spoon to pull it down.  So he got it down, but awkwardly, and in the process a glass fell out and broke, with some of it landing on the just-cut fruit.

Immediately, i sprang into action, cleaning up the glass, moving the plate with the cut fruit away.  He stood there dismayed.  “I guess I’m done,” he said.  “I was going to eat that,” gesturing to the fruit with glass on the plate.

“Oh, but there’s still this,” i said, gesturing to the uncut fruit.  “i can cut if for you if you like, look, i’ll wash it off real well first,” and i was doing that, and he was acting like he didn’t want it, and —

i was in a panic inside, because now he wasn’t going to eat!!  And it was my fault because if i hadn’t asked him for help, he wouldn’t have broken the glass and he’d already be eating the fruit he already cut —- and it was MY FAULT.

He had his own thing going on, he has a solid perfectionist streak of his own about things like that, so he was going through his own routine of self-blame and scorn, but that’s beside the point.   i was in a panic because he broke a glass and now he might not eat and it was my fault.

When i realized that, really said it to myself, i knew it was ridiculous.  i walked away, out of the room for a minute, because really, how stupid is that???

i walked back in and just said that – i said, “it’s ridiculous that you broke a glass and i’m upset because it feels like it was my fault.  That’s ridiculous.  It was not my fault, and whether or not you eat is up to you.  There’s more fruit there.”  i didn’t say it angrily, even though i was mad at myself.

“Oh, you were just concerned about me eating,” he said, which was true, but is also ridiculous.  So he cut some more fruit and ate, but that doesn’t matter, that’s not the point.

It’s another wake up call for me.  Two  of them, two days in a row.  A million times, i’ve told other people, “if you don’t take care of yourself, you can’t take care of anyone else.”  A zillion times maybe.  And here i am, putting way too much energy into taking care of other people – NOT in ways that they need.

No, it would be different if i were doing things that were actually helpful.  Not asking for help – or not letting people know that it matters, that i really need help, no kidding – and blaming myself for things that aren’t my fault are NOT helpful.

Yeah, i know, there’s not a kinky word in this story.

But i’m wondering – is part of the reason for this nonsense because i am truly this submissive woman without a Dom to please?  So the energy, the “let-me-please-you, please” energy gets scattered and misplaced instead of focused and appreciated?

Maybe not.  Who knows?  But i will hold that thought in reserve as i begin to take better care of myself.  And i WILL begin to take better care of myself.  i will quit saying, “oh, it doesn’t matter,” when it does.  i’ll say, “i understand that you can’t help after all, but i was really counting on you,” before i say, “it’s ok.”

At least i think i will.  Maybe i’m just kidding myself, and i won’t really do that at all.  What do you do?  Can you ask for help?  Can you let people know what you really need?  What you’re feeling?  Do you take responsibility for pleasing every-damn-body?  i don’t know…

But i leave you with this:

“And that is just the point… how the world, moist and beautiful, calls to each of us to make a new and serious response. That’s the big question, the one the world throws at you every morning. “Here you are, alive. Would you like to make a comment?”

Mary Oliver

 

 

 

14 thoughts on “Just stopping by

  1. Whoa. So much there. I don’t whether a Dominant/submissive paradigm is operative here or not.
    What I see of myself in this incident is how my fear of expressing what I want and need would keep me silent. Be tough and express your needs, wants, thoughts and feelings.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, David – I don’t know why I’ve taken so long to respond to comments, but when I read this, it felt really good to know that you understood what I was saying. Seems like we have a lot in common. Thanks, again.

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  2. Dang, how is it you can write things that could have come from my brain?

    I have often thought about your thought, and I think there is something to it. You want to feel that rush of obeying you’re willing to “submit” to someone who isn’t “dominating”.

    Please take care of you. *Hugs*

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Dear Michelle, Lol, i guess our thoughts are not as unique as it sometimes feels, right? But yeah, and i think i did this even more when i was younger before i recognized or accepted that i am submissive and that there are people who respond to that well. Anyhow, thanks for your comment, sorry it’s taken me so long to get back to respond.

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  3. S0-the “please let me take care of you” kind of energy likely is a submissive thing. And i think feeling efforts rejected to please hits us in the child spot, where emotion takes over rational thought. It would have been nice if he had been able (willing?) to comfort you in some way when you were clearly trying to hard to fix it. Even though your rational side took over and appraised the situation, that didn’t do a whole lot to fix the emotional piece, you know? Or, it doesn’t for me. Yes, everyone should be responsible for their own stuff. This thing we are, though, can really blur those lines-esp when one person is not actively trying in ways we can see and feel. i am glad that you are feeling, even though it hurts. Many hugs ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hey, jade – yeah, it’s an interesting point you raise – whether or not recognizing the rational aspect of the situation assuages the pain the child part of oneself feels or not. i think he was lost in that whole “child” part of himself too and couldn’t have focused on anything i was feeling at that point.

      For me, once i’m able to think about what’s going on rather than just feeling stuck in emotional mind, i can pull myself out of the expectation that he can fix this and recognize that i have to do this work myself. i suspect (i am afraid) that it is fantasy on my part to think there is a Dom who could help me do that emotional work. i don’t know if that makes sense – but i think that having a Dom would let me let go on a very deep level during play. i don’t think it would let me off the hook for still doing my own damn emotional work.

      That’s what i think that i think anyhow. Thanks for making me always take a deeper look. Many hugs back.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I kind of think that there is a time for doing the work by engaging logic and a time for doing the work by engaging with the emotions. If I am in a situation where I need to set aside the emotional part then it makes sense to step away and think about what is happening. But I also think it matters sometimes to just feel the feelings from an inner child space. Just as a child would turn to someone they trust, it’s ideal when a Dom can recognize what is going on and offer comfort. Of course many times, we will have to be the safe person for ourselves but I have noticed in your writing that Masters are engaged and aware and attend to the emotional pain and then want to logically understand. I don’t think it can happen all of the time that we should be given such grace but I do think it is not unrealistic or unreasonable. Your last work with the shrink Master (David?) Olivia still had to do the work and name her feelings and be present. That may be a fantasy but the underlying ideal isn’t. Just some under caffeinated thoughts

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Yeah, i basically agree. i also think that feeling the feelings AND engaging rational thought are necessary to – you know, get to “wise mind.”

        But yeah. That is the Dom i want. i am no longer
        convinced that he exists.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Wandering back in to add that Masters have children inside too of course. I happen to delight in finding and loving the child inside of men. Anyhow I think ideally, there would be a balance between self care and Master embracing my child needs and me doing the same for them. I think it might be easier for me in some ways simply because people see the child in me easily and often. So it might be easier to accept a little mommy or understanding in the moment that I am not in a rational mind place (though I am usually because I prize logic over emotion)

        Liked by 1 person

  4. That you were mindful and aware enough to see it and shut it down in the middle, instead of letting it spin out and out for hours, days, or (for some of us) weeks, was a triumph. I know it doesn’t feel like a triumph in the shadow of the D/s relationship issues, but it is. A small illumination to beat back the shadowy places. Hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I’m sorry you had a hard week. Sounds like a whole lot of things that just kind of toppled over with the glass/fruit incident capping it off. Those feelings of not being thought of, I find, can spin into other things quickly–in a way it goes along with that whole “pleasing” energy; both are requests for feedback and to be seen and heard, I think ^Like monkey says, your ability to pause in the middle of the situation and grab hold of it to change direction is amazing! Hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You’re right, it was a tough week, and the week before was tough too. You’re right, it just built right up to the glass/fruit incident. Yeah.
      For me too, feeling that I’m not thought of, that maybe they don’t even know i’m there, is acutely painful and (for me) can spiral into feelings of being unloved and unworthy to even be loved. I appreciate the perspective that both are requests for feedback and to seen and heard. Yes.
      Thanks for the kind words and support – i really appreciate it!!

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