It’s been a hard week – maybe couple of weeks.
Yesterday, in a moment of blinding clarity, i was reminded that the only person looking out for me is me. At the time, i was awash in a wave of self-pity, and even cried a little bit, just from loneliness, you know? It wasn’t – nobody did anything terrible to me. They just weren’t thinking about me. And really, MP is the only one who could have been expected to be thinking about me, and his health problems really suck up a lot of his energy. Which he can’t help.
So i let myself be hurt and angry for a bit, and then this morning i said something to him about the particular incident, so i didn’t just carry it around forever. But then something else happened –
He was cutting some fruit for his lunch, and i asked him to get something down out of the cabinet because i couldn’t reach it. He always tells me to ask him rather than using my usual technique with a long-handled plastic spoon to pull it down. So he got it down, but awkwardly, and in the process a glass fell out and broke, with some of it landing on the just-cut fruit.
Immediately, i sprang into action, cleaning up the glass, moving the plate with the cut fruit away. He stood there dismayed. “I guess I’m done,” he said. “I was going to eat that,” gesturing to the fruit with glass on the plate.
“Oh, but there’s still this,” i said, gesturing to the uncut fruit. “i can cut if for you if you like, look, i’ll wash it off real well first,” and i was doing that, and he was acting like he didn’t want it, and —
i was in a panic inside, because now he wasn’t going to eat!! And it was my fault because if i hadn’t asked him for help, he wouldn’t have broken the glass and he’d already be eating the fruit he already cut —- and it was MY FAULT.
He had his own thing going on, he has a solid perfectionist streak of his own about things like that, so he was going through his own routine of self-blame and scorn, but that’s beside the point. i was in a panic because he broke a glass and now he might not eat and it was my fault.
When i realized that, really said it to myself, i knew it was ridiculous. i walked away, out of the room for a minute, because really, how stupid is that???
i walked back in and just said that – i said, “it’s ridiculous that you broke a glass and i’m upset because it feels like it was my fault. That’s ridiculous. It was not my fault, and whether or not you eat is up to you. There’s more fruit there.” i didn’t say it angrily, even though i was mad at myself.
“Oh, you were just concerned about me eating,” he said, which was true, but is also ridiculous. So he cut some more fruit and ate, but that doesn’t matter, that’s not the point.
It’s another wake up call for me. Two of them, two days in a row. A million times, i’ve told other people, “if you don’t take care of yourself, you can’t take care of anyone else.” A zillion times maybe. And here i am, putting way too much energy into taking care of other people – NOT in ways that they need.
No, it would be different if i were doing things that were actually helpful. Not asking for help – or not letting people know that it matters, that i really need help, no kidding – and blaming myself for things that aren’t my fault are NOT helpful.
Yeah, i know, there’s not a kinky word in this story.
But i’m wondering – is part of the reason for this nonsense because i am truly this submissive woman without a Dom to please? So the energy, the “let-me-please-you, please” energy gets scattered and misplaced instead of focused and appreciated?
Maybe not. Who knows? But i will hold that thought in reserve as i begin to take better care of myself. And i WILL begin to take better care of myself. i will quit saying, “oh, it doesn’t matter,” when it does. i’ll say, “i understand that you can’t help after all, but i was really counting on you,” before i say, “it’s ok.”
At least i think i will. Maybe i’m just kidding myself, and i won’t really do that at all. What do you do? Can you ask for help? Can you let people know what you really need? What you’re feeling? Do you take responsibility for pleasing every-damn-body? i don’t know…
But i leave you with this:
“And that is just the point… how the world, moist and beautiful, calls to each of us to make a new and serious response. That’s the big question, the one the world throws at you every morning. “Here you are, alive. Would you like to make a comment?”