i am not freaking out…

i’m really not.

i had this fairly uncomfortable conversation with MP about whether or not he wanted me to let him know if i found “other ways of fulfilling my D/s needs.”  i was super calm, and so was he.  His response was essentially that he wanted me to wait some more and maybe he has some ideas about how he can do that himself.

Which sounds a lot better if you don’t know that we’re coming up on the 3rd anniversary of almost completely without any D/s.  That’s the three year anniversary, not three months.

So i explained to him that i love him and i treasure the other aspects of our life and i need to be able to submit to a Dominant.  i said that i wouldn’t be against him doing it, that i’d love that, but, i said,  i’ve been waiting a long time and i’m not willing for that to be my only possible path.

And he wasn’t thrilled, he wasn’t like, “Oh, you go right ahead and do whatever’s gonna work for you,” but he seemed to understand.  So there was nothing to freak out about there.

But then he started talking about why it’s difficult for him to take steps to show dominance with me again.  It’s because – wait for it – it’s because i’m such a strong, capable woman.

Yep.  i’m not vulnerable, he said.  i just don’t seem vulnerable enough for him to feel dominant.

This is the equivalent of being told i’m “too competent for my own good.”   Which used to break my heart and make me feel an overwhelming sense of worthlessness and despair.  Like “THIS IS WHY NO ONE WILL EVER LOVE ME!!!!”

But you know what?  Fuck that.  i’m not carrying that for him.

It took me half a lifetime (if i live to be 90) to figure out i could express my submissiveness.  It took me years to find a relationship that i thought was what i needed in the mundane world AND had a strong BDSM aspect.

And that’s not what we have, we only have the vanilla part, even though we started out with it all. When he tells me he’s working on it, I’m like, i know you are, and if it changes that’s great, but i can’t just sit and wait.  i won’t.

Three years this weekend.

But i’m not freaking out, and i’m not buying this “it’s because you seem so strong and capable” as the reason.  If that’s the problem, he needs to figure out how to work through that.  i can’t do it for him, and i won’t pretend to be anything other than what i am.  Yes, i am strong and capable, and i’m submissive.  And that’s not even unusual.

But the best part is that thinking about it – hearing him say it – no longer sends me spinning into the depths of despair.  How cool is that?



10 thoughts on “i am not freaking out…

  1. Interesting that that is his objection. It seems to me, as someone who’s been on both the receiving and giving end of Dominance in a long term relationship that a strong and capable submissive is the *only*kind I would be interested in Dominating. A weak minded person would carry too much risk. Vulnerability is strength. To have walls is weakness. So perhaps he is confusing passivity for vulnerability? I find it an odd thing to say.

    Do you feel that you are capable of being vulnerable? And what was your response to his concern?

    Yeah I’m nosy. Hehe. Do feel free to say “Nunya bizness” 😄✌

    (I am just endlessly fascinated by all of our similarities and differences.)

    Liked by 1 person

    • Not too nosy, i appreciate the question. It is interesting how we are similar and different, and your question gives me a different way to think about it.

      And of course i can’t tell you what he means, i can only tell you what i think he means. i’m relatively successful in my life. My career is going well, i’m financially secure,(as much as anybody can be secure) my daughter is terrific, i have good friends, i’m not too materialistic, but i enjoy the things i have. i can handle really difficult interpersonal situations well. People look to me for advice and support. And i am vulnerable. i’m a recovering perfectionist, i’m often deeply upset about many things, i get overwhelmed with other people’s feelings and need to step back and sometimes i have a hard time doing that. A bit like my olivia, i start to think i’m supposed to be able to do it all.

      Submission involving spanking or bondage recenters me in a way that nothing else i’ve found does. And serving the person who i’m submitting to thrills my submissive soul like nothing else does. i believe i’m capable of being vulnerable – not in a “weak” way – not that i need to be protected – but that i can be open and genuine and let someone else hold that power for me, and make decisions for me.

      i wouldn’t let someone else make decisions for me that would affect my clients, you now? i wouldn’t let someone guide me to do things that would damage things i’m responsible for. But i loved to sit at his feet, and serve him food or coffee, and to make love to his cock, and so many things.

      He doesn’t want any of those things anymore.

      i didn’t respond directly to that concern. i don’t know what to say to that. i said it seems like all of his energy right now is being directed to other things – to work, to his own health, to some family things – and that i understood that. i said that i needed to be able to submit, that i needed to be able to express that part of myself.

      i don’t know. We said a lot of things. And i’m writing a whole nother blog post here.

      i need to think about it some more. Thank you..

      Liked by 2 people

  2. So much of what you said in this reply resonates with me. I’ll be interested to follow the perfusion of things with you and see how this resolves. Needing that outlet to recenter is such a powerful feeling. I have fixed myself to go without it and became “ok” with it, but as soon as there was even a hint of the possibility of having it again it ask came crashing back as strong or stronger than before. Maybe the idea of you submitting to someone else will light a cute under him…

    Either way, I’m rooting for you to find that peaceful place again. 💕✌


  3. Holy smokes. I didn’t know that was really something that could be said. I mean, submissive need to be confident and assertive in their submission in some way, right? Couldn’t that exact sentence be turned around and pointed to him, where: “he’s not dominant enough”? I am simply at awe. Don’t let that take your fire away, Olivia. Don’t lose yourself, your true nature, in the insecurities of others. xo

    Liked by 2 people

    • Sure, it could be turned around. But I try to keep in mind that he’s really doing the best that he’s able to do right now. He isn’t feeling dominant, he doesn’t have the energy or the drive to really be there for me in that way. And I know that’s really hard for him.but thank you so much for those words of encouragement. That means a lot to me.


  4. (Busting out with the kind of comment that usually gets me in trouble…)

    Do you think it might be useful to determine what he means by “vulnerable”? Because there are many ways of being vulnerable, and it’s at least possible that what he meant is something different than what you heard.

    Mind you, the comment hurts any way you look at it, so please don’t think I’m downplaying that.
    I just know how triggers work on me and how they frequently lead me down the garden path…


    Liked by 2 people

    • You might be right, JZ. I don’t know exactly what he means by vulnerable, and maybe it would be helpful to find out. But the reality is that we have talked about this a zillion time – well, Ok, not a zillion times but it seems like a zillion times in the last three years. I just don’t think he’s going to change. I don’t think all the talking in the world or understanding what he means or anything else is going to do anything other than distract me. So it’s a good question. It’s a legitimate question. But I don’t know if I care what he means anymore. I don’t know. thank you for raising the question though. it gives me something else to think about and maybe I need that perspective 💜


  5. I’m curious what he saw in you before that read to him as vulnerable. Frankly, it’s a damn vulnerable state to need to be spanked, to need to feel centered and in touch with your core-and getting these needs met rely on another person fulfilling their part. So I’m curious what behaviors, actions, etc that caused him to feel Dominant enough to give you what you need in the past. Good for you for not buying into the bs or backing down from getting your needs met. 💙 you

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yeah, i have no idea. You know, there’s no doubt that i am vulnerable. But why he could see it in the beginning and now he can’t? i imagine that he imagined my vulnerability being something other than what it actually is, if that makes any sense. And really, yeah, it doesn’t matter. i guess i don’t believe that it’s because i’m not seeming vulnerable enough for real. i don’t know. But no, i’m not taking the blame for it.

      Thanks for the support!!

      Liked by 1 person

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