i’m really not.
i had this fairly uncomfortable conversation with MP about whether or not he wanted me to let him know if i found “other ways of fulfilling my D/s needs.” i was super calm, and so was he. His response was essentially that he wanted me to wait some more and maybe he has some ideas about how he can do that himself.
Which sounds a lot better if you don’t know that we’re coming up on the 3rd anniversary of almost completely without any D/s. That’s the three year anniversary, not three months.
So i explained to him that i love him and i treasure the other aspects of our life and i need to be able to submit to a Dominant. i said that i wouldn’t be against him doing it, that i’d love that, but, i said, i’ve been waiting a long time and i’m not willing for that to be my only possible path.
And he wasn’t thrilled, he wasn’t like, “Oh, you go right ahead and do whatever’s gonna work for you,” but he seemed to understand. So there was nothing to freak out about there.
But then he started talking about why it’s difficult for him to take steps to show dominance with me again. It’s because – wait for it – it’s because i’m such a strong, capable woman.
Yep. i’m not vulnerable, he said. i just don’t seem vulnerable enough for him to feel dominant.
This is the equivalent of being told i’m “too competent for my own good.” Which used to break my heart and make me feel an overwhelming sense of worthlessness and despair. Like “THIS IS WHY NO ONE WILL EVER LOVE ME!!!!”
But you know what? Fuck that. i’m not carrying that for him.
It took me half a lifetime (if i live to be 90) to figure out i could express my submissiveness. It took me years to find a relationship that i thought was what i needed in the mundane world AND had a strong BDSM aspect.
And that’s not what we have, we only have the vanilla part, even though we started out with it all. When he tells me he’s working on it, I’m like, i know you are, and if it changes that’s great, but i can’t just sit and wait. i won’t.
Three years this weekend.
But i’m not freaking out, and i’m not buying this “it’s because you seem so strong and capable” as the reason. If that’s the problem, he needs to figure out how to work through that. i can’t do it for him, and i won’t pretend to be anything other than what i am. Yes, i am strong and capable, and i’m submissive. And that’s not even unusual.
But the best part is that thinking about it – hearing him say it – no longer sends me spinning into the depths of despair. How cool is that?