Really, anything i might have to say about myself is overshadowed by the tragedy in Orlando, where at least 50 people died and 53 people were wounded in a gay bar. My heart breaks for the victims and their families and friends and for all of us, who are less safe everywhere.
In my own little life, i don’t think i’m making much progress – although i did walk a lot this last week, and ate really well, and not excessively for several days, so that was good. i also have written a lot for here, for my maybe-book.
i still don’t know who i think i’m going to be when i become this person i’m supposed to be – just more completely olivia, i guess?
i do better when i’m not at home. When i’m traveling, it’s easier to stick to a healthy regime and feel good about life. At home, everywhere i look reminds me of something i need to be doing. A glimpse of one of my favorite books on my shelf reminds me that i haven’t read the third book in that series – nor have i made any progress in reading another book that i want to finish for work. And when am i going to do that – i need it to be already done!
Dishes, laundry, cleaning the cat litter – i start simple, with chores that are so mundane i should be able to do them without thinking about it. But i also need to do something with the super messy bookshelves in front of me, and the laundry that MP has piled up in the basement – and in his closet – and no, he can’t reasonably do it himself these days, it takes more physical effort than he has to expend, not to mention my own laundry and the suitcase i haven’t unpacked and shouldn’t i go through all those clothes i don’t wear and get rid of the ones that don’t bring me joy? And when am i going to lose weight anyhow, or do i just want to keep outgrowing everything i own? Quarterly taxes are due this week, and i need a more efficient book-keeping system and i’m behind on some paperwork that needs to be done for something else. Is it time to meditate now? How ’bout now? Maybe i should go for a walk instead. Writing this blog post should be at the bottom of the list, but here i am… And the yard, let’s not talk about the yard, with the theoretical flower garden that is already being overrun with weeds and i’m sure i would be a better person if i spent some time taking care of it cause what kind of person just lets it look like crap? When i talk to MP about hiring someone to do it, he acts like that’s not even possible, to find someone who could do a good job other than some kind of super-expensive landscaping service and really, it’s only a tiny patch of ground but i’m not gonna do it, and he can’t do it, so it sits there as a public reminder of my failure to take care of shit.
Yes, i can break it all down into small steps and i can make a list and prioritize and there will still just be too damn much to do and not enough time – or not enough time that i’m willing to spend on those things. Because it’s not like i’m not doing anything. i am. It’s not like i’m not already doing a lot, between my work and my other work and my volunteer work and just keeping the house from becoming a complete hoarders nightmare and spending time with MP and…
Do i meditate now, or do the dishes, or go for a walk? Or start some laundry? Or do all those things, can i do them all at once? And is it time to quit writing this sad-feeling-sorry-for-myself ramble? Sheesh, sometimes i do not even want to be in my own skin.
And won’t y’all be glad tomorrow when i post the next part of i imagine.