Really, anything i might have to say about myself is overshadowed by the tragedy in Orlando, where at least 50 people died and 53 people were wounded in a gay bar. My heart breaks for the victims and their families and friends and for all of us, who are less safe everywhere.
*************************
In my own little life, i don’t think i’m making much progress – although i did walk a lot this last week, and ate really well, and not excessively for several days, so that was good. i also have written a lot for here, for my maybe-book.
i still don’t know who i think i’m going to be when i become this person i’m supposed to be – just more completely olivia, i guess?
i do better when i’m not at home. When i’m traveling, it’s easier to stick to a healthy regime and feel good about life. At home, everywhere i look reminds me of something i need to be doing. A glimpse of one of my favorite books on my shelf reminds me that i haven’t read the third book in that series – nor have i made any progress in reading another book that i want to finish for work. And when am i going to do that – i need it to be already done!
Dishes, laundry, cleaning the cat litter – i start simple, with chores that are so mundane i should be able to do them without thinking about it. But i also need to do something with the super messy bookshelves in front of me, and the laundry that MP has piled up in the basement – and in his closet – and no, he can’t reasonably do it himself these days, it takes more physical effort than he has to expend, not to mention my own laundry and the suitcase i haven’t unpacked and shouldn’t i go through all those clothes i don’t wear and get rid of the ones that don’t bring me joy? And when am i going to lose weight anyhow, or do i just want to keep outgrowing everything i own? Quarterly taxes are due this week, and i need a more efficient book-keeping system and i’m behind on some paperwork that needs to be done for something else. Is it time to meditate now? How ’bout now? Maybe i should go for a walk instead. Writing this blog post should be at the bottom of the list, but here i am… And the yard, let’s not talk about the yard, with the theoretical flower garden that is already being overrun with weeds and i’m sure i would be a better person if i spent some time taking care of it cause what kind of person just lets it look like crap? When i talk to MP about hiring someone to do it, he acts like that’s not even possible, to find someone who could do a good job other than some kind of super-expensive landscaping service and really, it’s only a tiny patch of ground but i’m not gonna do it, and he can’t do it, so it sits there as a public reminder of my failure to take care of shit.
Yes, i can break it all down into small steps and i can make a list and prioritize and there will still just be too damn much to do and not enough time – or not enough time that i’m willing to spend on those things. Because it’s not like i’m not doing anything. i am. It’s not like i’m not already doing a lot, between my work and my other work and my volunteer work and just keeping the house from becoming a complete hoarders nightmare and spending time with MP and…
Do i meditate now, or do the dishes, or go for a walk? Or start some laundry? Or do all those things, can i do them all at once? And is it time to quit writing this sad-feeling-sorry-for-myself ramble? Sheesh, sometimes i do not even want to be in my own skin.
And won’t y’all be glad tomorrow when i post the next part of i imagine.
Olivia 
You already know you can only do one thing at a time and that being mindful would help a lot. The whole “what kind of a person would…?” sounds like the start of a shame-for-not-being-perfect tape. Or, at least, that is how my shame tape starts. You could hire someone to help sort and donate clothes, do laundry, and the garden-but i’m sure you know that too. This may sound nuts, but i’d start with the garden, and play the audio version of the books you need to read while you weed. It’s calming, will give you a way to release some frustrations at this list and other things, and you won’t be feeling public shame every time you come home and leave for work. That is a lousy way to start and end a day. So, i’d start with weeding, and maybe putting in some new flowers or something that makes you smile. Then, there has to be a teeny spot in the house free of all of these distractions, even if it is a floor pillow in the corner where you can decompress and meditate. All of these things work to weigh you down and you do so very much! You deserve some spaces that feel good to you. FWIW-we have little messy places but the house is clean. SR demands i leave the messy bookshelves as they are. Her little table piled with stuff? Yep. must not touch except to dust everything. It would be beyond useless for me to beat myself for what i cannot control, right? 😀
love you!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks, jade, of course you’re right, all the way down the line. Or all the way down your comment. 🙂
Except for the gardening part. i’ve never done anything in the garden, for real, and am probably not going to start now. But you’re absolutely right about needing a distraction free corner. i keep trying to create that, but somehow MP has sort of spread out all over the house. But i’ll get there.
i am sure you do a lovely job with the space you and SR share. Our house is clean too, thanks to the lovely women who clean every couple of weeks, but i’m messy by nature and so is MP. The only difference is that i recognize the messiness is always threatening, always on the verge of taking over our lives if we don’t push back. Whereas he seems not to notice it at all.
Anyhow. Enough bitching. Thanks for the suggestions and the sympathy and the support. ❤
LikeLiked by 1 person
what would you advise someone else to do?
LikeLiked by 1 person
Lol, i know – first i’d ask them why they were being so hard on themselves, then i’d tell them to stop it. Then i’d probably tell them all that stuff jade said.
But you know, it’s still helpful for me to be able to talk about how i feel. Believe me, no one around me (except maybe MP) has a clue that i feel this way. i think it’s kinda whiny and i prefer not to share my whininess. So thank you for reading, and for reminding me that i don’t have to stay stuck in it. 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
It’s pretty amazing to me how often you use the word whiny when I have never once thought that about you. I think the same thing about the pain I’m in. It’s always interesting what we think is valid in others. I do understand what you mean about pushing back against the stuff. This is why I feel it’s extremely important to have a quiet and soothing spot which is respected by MP. How are you going to be comfortable in your body without a place to just be? You deserve a spot.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Well, I’m glad I don’t sound whiny. I guess I just feel like I am. You’re right though, I do need a space for myself I’m not sure how I’m going to make that happen, but I’m looking for ways.
And, I certainly don’t think you’re whiny about your pain. Good grief. So, yeah, I see what you’re saying.
❤
LikeLiked by 1 person