i was thinking tonight – i had a hard day at work, hard in ways that my job is not usually difficult – and had been feeling a bit overwhelmed and wanting support – and i was thinking that it would be nice if My Partner (MP) responded to text messages with more than one or two words, and that if i told him i was having a hard time, it would be nice if he checked in on me later and asked me what was going on, and that it would be nice if ~~~
~~~ and then i stopped myself right there. Because yes, it would be nice. For about a minute. Then, I would want more. You know i would. Then i would want him to watch a movie that i want to see with me. Or to quit working quite so all-the-time. Or to hold me with passion and warmth. And then ~~~~
~~~~~ then i might want him to spank me and play with me and tie me up ~~~ and be my Sir, with rules and rituals and discipline.
So really, it is better for everyone if he just doesn’t even start that shit. Right?
i was thinking tonight about my friend who’s a Dom and how once, a long time ago, i was on vacation by myself and kind of lonesome and he texted with me for a long, long time, off and on for days. And i loved that he did that, and i appreciated it so much. And then ~~ you know how this goes.
i wanted more.
i am drawn to men who are a bit stingy with their affection, doling it out in drips, like it might run out at any moment. It isn’t their fault, that’s just how they are. And i’m drawn to that somehow, somehow, i believe that i can love them in some way that will coax them into giving more, into giving all that i think they have to give.
i read an article a long time ago that talked about a variation of the 80/20 rule. If you’ve never heard of the 80/20 rule, you might want to google it. But there are lots of versions. This one said that in a relationship, one partner gives 80% and the other partner gives 20%. It said that the 80% partner would keep trying to get the 20% partner to give more, by giving more themselves. That the 80% partner would just give more and more until they were giving 100%, but that this strategy was never going to get the 20% partner to give more.
Actually i don’t think the article suggested any strategy that would induce the 20% partner to give more. And there is something about that – about people who aren’t going over 20% – that attracts me. It is a lot like my Dad, so maybe that’s it. But i think even more it is that these 20% men have such a delectable 20%, it is so delicious, that i’m convinced that if they just gave more – say 50% – or 60 – ok, maybe 80%, maybe if they gave 80%, i would be sated. And complete.
i am convinced that i can seduce them into giving more.
But i can’t. It looks like i can at first, that’s what sucks me in, but it’s an illusion. A trap.
And maybe that’s ok. Maybe i’m attracted to 20%ers because i’m insatiable and if they gave 80%, than i’d be the 20% one and would suck them dry. So to speak.
i don’t know. i was just thinking about it.
Olivia 
Dear Olivia
I just love the way you share your thoughts! For me it’s like following you on a rollercoaster of inner rants and I completely relate – not to the subject of 80/20 – but to the endless overthinking. That I know…
Which reminds me why I like the pain given with love. I don’t like the pain. I hate it. But I like the stillness in my head that comes with the pain. The focus needed to not run away and give in. To surrender to Him.
Lady P
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Dear Lady P,
Thanks for commenting!! It is a rollercoaster in my head sometimes! When i wrote this, i had just finished reading When Women Were Birds, by Terry Tempest Williams – do you know that book? It’s so beautiful, and sometimes, when i was reading it, i would just feel overcome, and tears would well up and even spill out a bit, and i wouldn’t be sure why, what it was about some passage that had moved me to tears.
Yeah. The pain is freeing. I miss it, but i guess you knew that. And really, it’s the surrender i miss. i hope you’re getting that need met these days.
❤
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Wanting more isn’t a sin, you know. It’s in the context of each relationship that makes it one or not. I feel so much empathy for you. Maybe that is why I was struck by the negative inflection when you write “insatiable”. I think if someone fed you enough that you began to trust that you would get fed regularly, then you wouldn’t have that exponentially growing need for “it”. When I was being fed “enough” by a trustworthy partner, it was much easier to accept the limits of that care. Sure I wanted more, but it was a joy to accept what I was getting. It’s hard to accept a small plate when you are starving. Just a thought.
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Hey, Monkey,
Thanks for commenting!!
Yes Theoretically, i know you’re right, it’s not a sin to want more. Yep. And you know how i feel about asking for things, right? I like for other people to do it, but i’m against it myself. 🙂
You make a really good point though. And yeah, if there were consistency, i think i would be fine. i can remember a time, not that long ago, when i was ok with waiting for that time when it would happen. Of course then after i waited and waited, now it’s become clear that it’s not going to happen, so yeah, i am kind of starving. And maybe that’s just what i was feeling when i titled this – such a fierce longing.
Plus, i had just read this passage in When Women Were Birds where she names the things she wants from her husband – such a mix of things that no one could be all of them, and that was, i think, her point. And i suddenly had this overwhelming awareness of my own wants… yeah. That’s not to say it’s bad, it is just there.
❤
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I do see what you mean… but I have to say that that rule annoys me. It’s framed in a way that warps our analytical skills. In a relationship, you should ideally be looking at 50/50… 80/20 *is* a discrepancy, yes, but there’s something about the way the rule is framed that leads us to feel that each partner should ideally be shooting for 100% – which just doesn’t add up.
Nor am I at all sure we should quantify giving. We all judge what we’re given by own standards – so what we want people to give us are the things we expect to get (usually because that’s what *we’re* giving)… yet we overlook what they ARE giving because those things are not on our radar, so there’s no check box for them on our list of “Areas Where I Rule and He Sucks”
(Or at least, that’s a weakness that *I* have. Perhaps I overgeneralize with the use of the word, “we”…)
Like you, I have a soft spot for the ones who maybe don’t give quite as much as I do. But on the other hand, a 20% from them is better than a 80% from someone else, so to me, it’s a wash. It’s the richness of the sum total of what you get that matters, rather than the amount of that sum total – if you see what I mean.
Which isn’t to say that I don’t want more, or understand what it feels like to be left holding something that looks suspiciously like the short end of the stick.
I do.
I’m just not sure this 80/20 thing is the most helpful way to frame the problem.
(I realize this probably didn’t feel helpful but I needed to say it. You may swat me now… )
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No, no swatting, i love that this made you think and write a response to it!!
I think you’re right – the 80/20 rule is flawed, and probably not a good basis for framing how i think about relationships. And yep, it’s a lovely 20%, i wouldn’t trade it either – when i’m getting the 20%. 5 or 10 ior even 15% is not gonna do it.
The thing that’s helpful for me about this is the reminder that me giving more is not going to solve the problem – in fact, it makes it worse. The key may be to withdraw more of my self instead. For sure, you’re also right that we can miss noticing what he’s giving because it’s not what we think is love.
Yeah.
Thanks for commenting!!
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i think the 80/20 thing only works if we each have spheres. For example, maybe he does 80 percent of dealing with the house maintenance and i do 80 percent of the cleaning. When i’m doing 90 percent, or more, of everything-well…yeah. After years it does become a question of what, exactly, is being given back. Which is likely how someone thought to try and quantify it to begin with. The trap of the illusion is a trap. Traps cause intense feelings. Traps are things that can never be negotiated or really deeply understood because they are hidden. i tried withdrawing, btw. Not good (for me). Felt totally inauthentic to being me, counter to everything i had ever been taught, and it accomplished absolutely nothing. YMMV.
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Ahhh, i don’t see the 80/20 thing as “how much we do” so much as “how much of ourselves we invest in the relationship.” So in my mind, a Dom could be at 50% by attending to what i do and by being present in our interactions. By being consistent with discipline, or punishment, or rewards. By engaging.
It’s still kind of a trap. It’s just helpful to me to recognize that it’s not something i’m doing that’s creating the 80/20, it’s just how that person is.
But i hear what you’re saying too. Withdrawing can feel inauthentic – kind of like playing games – and unless you’re prepared for the possibility of withdrawing completely, then it’s a bit disingenuous.
So yeah. It’s maybe not a totally helpful framework. But it’s the one that came to mind.
Thank you so much for your comment!!
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Nods. Yeah. Definitely being present and consistency counts (on both sides). I think of the time behind the work I do as giving me. This is all parts of why withdrawing didn’t work for me.
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