Letting go

“In the corner.  Now.”

i would rather not, but i would also rather not get caned tonight, so i move quickly.  Ok, it might take me a minute to get off my knees, i don’t do that as fast as i once could, but having gotten to my feet, i move quickly.

i am already naked so there’s no need to strip; just to position myself as far into the corner as i reasonably can.  And wait.

We had been talking, well, i had been talking, telling him about a situation at work that was worrying me.  He listened, as he always does, intently.  But when i began to tell him what i thought i should have done differently, he stopped me.

That was when he made me strip.  And kneel.

Then he asked me what i could have done differently.  i floundered around a bit, but was able to say what i thought i could have handled better.

He asked me how much of the blame for the problem was mine – how responsible was i?  i thought hard before i answered.  i didn’t want to get it wrong.  Finally, i said maybe 50%.

He shakes his head, “Fifty percent?  Really?  You think you can predict how other people are going to react and only say things that they approve of?  What do we call that?”

“Oh.”  i had not realized that was what i was doing, but now that he’s said it, i can seee it.  I couldn’t have foreseen how she would respond.  Not without being a fortune teller, which i’m not.

“What do we call that?” he prompts me.

i already know the answer.  “Perfectionism, Sir.  With a touch of grandiosity.”

That’s when he says it, “In the corner.  Now.”

Standing here, waiting, not sure what to expect.  There will be punishment, i know that, but there are so many things it could be.  In the meantime, he expects me to consider the mistake i’ve made.  Not to berate myself, i’m too good at that already.  No, to gently remind myself that i can’t be right all the time, that it’s ok if someone doesn’t approve of what i do, that i can’t control everyone’s feelings.

And to breathe.

To breathe in stillness and acceptance.

To find space for who i am, flawed and lovely, and to be ok with that.

In the corner, i wait.

 

 

2 thoughts on “Letting go

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