“I am an expression of the divine, just like a peach is, just like a fish is. I have a right to be this way…I can’t apologize for that, nor can I change it, nor do I want to… We will never have to be other than who we are in order to be successful…We realize that we are as ourselves unlimited and our experiences valid. It is for the rest of the world to recognize this, if they choose.”

― Alice Walker, The Color Purple

i’m no longer sure that i want to – or need to – change the way i am.   Ultimately, i like my life, even if maybe i am failing to “live up to my potential.”  i know that my willingness to be available for people – some who need to talk, some who need to be connected to someone i know, or need information i have –  is helpful.  It’s a form of service, and one that i enjoy, even if it’s not kinky or in service to a Dom.

Does that make sense?

Being actively submissive to an individual, however, can keep me centered.  It’s still – after all these years i’ve lived and worked at being centered and balanced – it’s still too easy to get thrown off track. To get too invested in my own ego and my own sense of importance about what i’m doing.

A spanking – a quick reprimand – an opportunity to hand over control and sit at his feet – those are all ways a Dominant can help me let go of ways of thinking that lead to quagmires.  A dose of approval – the “good girl” that means so much – also helps me keep going on track.  But if i’m not going to have those, i need to keep working on how to manage myself.

Otherwise, i end up depending on a variety of people to feed my submissive soul.  Since they aren’t necessarily invested in my best interests and don’t even know they’ve been chosen to play random-Dom, it’s not really a solution.  i’ve often chosen supervisors at my work for that role, which can be helpful in some ways, not so much in others.

i downloaded a couple of apps yesterday to help me shut out distractions while i’m doing work stuff on my computer, and i’ve started a new system of organizing my work.  That was pretty successful yesterday, we’ll see how it goes today.

i notice this morning that i have already earmarked three articles to read, a TED talk to watch, and a podcast to listen to.  But often, at the end of the day, i save them on Pinterest without reading or watching at all.  i think i want to manage that differently somehow.  Maybe it means gathering material in the first half of the day, but then reading, listening, or watching in the second half?

i’ll be amazed if you aren’t mind-numbingly bored with this post by now.  i half-way am myself.  Except, if i don’t do this work now, when will i?

i started a profile on fetlife last night.  Olivia60.  i used a different image for my profile picture – this one:

Maybe i should have used that here also, but i’ve gotten attached to my little crone image so i guess i’ll hang on to her.  Anyhow, if you’re on fetlife and want to connect there, come find me.

If you came by looking for the next part of The Punishment, it’ll be up tomorrow.