I realized that my last post stopped halfway through the story. I finished writing it and was still a bit angsty. But that’s not how I was feeling when I posted it.

Before I hit “Publish”, I shared it with my Sir. I do that when I write about him. He hasn’t told me to do that, it’s not a rule. But I want him to know what’s in my heart and on my mind before I share with you all.

I already had my beliefs about subdrop – I think of it as a ”me problem.” It’s just something that happens naturally – and maybe, like Fondles said in her comment on my last post:

“… it’s also cycles and hormones. And cortisol levels and nutrition, and just everyday variations that affect our brains and internal chemistry, so that something just shifts and our ‘mood’ changes. And then it’s Hello Spiral!”

In any case, when it happens, my feelings bubble up and spill out. I messaged Sir with questions, hinting at what I was feeling, but not very clearly. Then I backtracked and doubted myself, second-guessed what I was saying. His response settled me, but I didn’t ask for what I needed – I didn’t even know what I needed.

Ultimately, I think that I’m responsible for getting myself straightened out. So I didn’t expect him to be able to do much.

After all, I am responsible for my own feelings. If something’s wrong, it’s up to me to figure out how to deal with it, manage it, take care of it. I don’t exactly think I need to ‘put on my big girl panties,” but not far from it.

And…

When I shared the post with my Sir, I got this response:

“In future, if you find yourself doubting, panicking or sliding into a rabbit hole you will tell me immediately. I won’t need an explanation, just message me two words: rabbit hole. And don’t stop to think whether you should or you shouldn’t, just do it. I will find a ladder to get you out. 

Understood?”

***************

Every part of that message strikes a chord in me, resonates within me. Every time I read it, I stroke my lips, put a hand to my cheek, touch his belt.

I’m learning something new here, in this relationship, in the best possible way.