It is a strange thing, being submissive.

Yesterday, I got it in my head that my Sir wasn’t interested in a power exchange with me anymore. It started with a thought. “Hmmm, I didn’t do this one thing I’m supposed to do and he didn’t notice.”

Then I started building a whole story about it. “Oh, and the other day he said something about me being able to make my own decisions. He probably thinks I’m too much trouble. Why would he want to manage me all the time?”

Having started down the rabbit hole, I began to pick up speed. “He probably doesn’t want to be my Dom anymore. If he doesn’t notice when I don’t do what I’m supposed to, he probably doesn’t even care what I do.”

Like Alice-in-Wonderland, I just kept falling farther and farther down. “He’s probably bored, he probably doesn’t have time, he probably…” and I landed with a thump on the bottom of the rabbit hole.

My wiser self might have said to him, “I’m having a major attack of insecurity, can you help me with this?” But my wiser self was nowhere to be found.

Instead, I asked him about one part of it in a really ineffective way, and then asked him about it some more, and then it was late where he was and I realized that he was probably already in bed and I thought I sounded a little bit crazy. So I sent him a few messages trying to back track and not sound needy and ridiculous and – well, to acknowledge that I might sound like I was a little crazy and a little needy and probably ridiculous. Or that he might think I was.

Sigh. I was a bit of a mess.

By the time I was ready for bed, I had talked myself down from a touch of panic to just a little bit anxious. I reminded myself that my Sir has been stable and steady and I have no reason to be insecure, no reason to doubt him. So I was able to stick to my evening routine and let go of the tightness in my chest and the butterflies in my tummy. And I slept.

This morning, I awoke to a message that put things into perspective very nicely, without addressing whether I was crazy or needy or ridiculous, which was probably just as well. It was a nicely no-nonsense response simply telling me what to do. That gave me the perspective I needed without any fuss.

It was a great relief.

But I thought a lot today about what had happened. How had I gone from being perfectly content and happy to halfway convincing myself my Sir didn’t want to be my Dom?

I don’t actually know how that happened.

But I have a theory.

I think it was sub-drop. The dreaded sub-drop, bane of submissives everywhere. That horrible feeling when all the warm-fuzzy- excited-aroused-wide open feelings of a strong D/s connection wears off. Going from the intensity of the connection – when all that exists is your Sir’s voice and what he wants and the desire to please – from that to the mundane (although beautiful) aspects of everyday life is just hard.

Yes, it’s been three weeks since my Sir and I had our time together. That’s a long time to go before sub drop sets in. But it was just yesterday that I suddenly felt it. He has taken such good care of me – staying connected with me in many ways, even though we are so far apart, that I am just now feeling the drop.

I need a spanking. I haven’t had enough privacy to practice with the belt or the hangar in a while, and I crave the sensation. In my best fantasy, he would be able to spank me himself, not for punishment, but just a nice maintenance spanking. I crave that.

But how does not having that suddenly become insecurity, spiraling around in my brain? I dunno.

For me, the trick – the balance I seek – is being able to step deep into expressing my submission, be fully consumed by it. And then step back so I can take care of myself again (in my case, only with permission! 😏. ). Seriously, though. This has caused a lot of angst for me before. It is a recurring pain point.

Once I can take the step back, I seem to be perfectly ok. No more intense needs, no more spiraling, all good here. I’m pretty low maintenance.

But if I stay there a while, then it’s hard for me to reconnect. It’s as if there’s a door to the heart of my submission and it gently closes. Or my submissive self goes into hibernation. Something like that. Behind the door there is always a longing, the need to be spanked, the desire to submit… it’s just not as easily accessible.

What I want is to be able to find the right balance. I know I’ve shared this quote before, but it describes what I want so beautifully:

Your hand opens and closes and opens and closes. 
If it were always a fist or always stretched open,
you would be paralyzed. 
Your deepest presence is in every small contracting
and expanding. 
The two as beautifully balanced and coordinated
as birdwings.”