I am driven by a need to describe what submission is for me. You may have already noticed that, since that may be the heart of my blog. But there have only been bits and pieces of time when I was in a D/s relationship. The rest of it is mostly longing and fantasy. I started the blog (partly) to remind myself that I am submissive, even without a Dom.

When I am without a Dom I function just fine, thank you very much. Maybe not optimally, but good enough. My submissive self hibernates. Not gone, just lying low.

Given the opportunity to step into a relationship with a Dom, that submissive self awakens with a passion. All the longing and want rises up, risking a sub-frenzy so hot she might burst into flame.

She might – I might. My submissive self is not a role, not a persona I put on and take off like a change of clothes. But it’s not always safe for a submissive girl to show herself in the vanilla world. It is a part of me that is always here, usually only allowed out in this community.

I’ve mentioned before that under my Sir’s guidance and direction, I’ve made some significant changes in my life. That is still true, and it makes me really happy. Meditating, having a morning routine, even sleeping better… those changes are directly connected to him agreeing to guide me and hold me accountable.

I haven’t had this kind of Dom before. It’s been a fantasy – one that I didn’t quite trust. I think it’s a slippery slope, one that leads straight to “but submissive women love to serve, so of course they’re going to clean the house and do the laundry.” Sigh. I have issues with that.

All my life – since I was quite young – I’ve thought that my purpose in life was to make the world a better place. Actually, I think that is everyone’s purpose, and we do that by letting our light shine in the world. By using our gifts and talents to make things better. Some people do that as homemakers, and I have great respect and appreciation for them.

But I promise you, that is not my gift. Since I was very young, people have been telling me about their problems and I’ve helped them feel better. Nurturing those gifts and using them so that people who want my help can live happier lives is how I bring my love and care to the world.

What I want is a Dom who also wants the world to be a better place, who uses his gifts and talents to make that happen – in whatever way is right for him. I want us to be able to stand together and support each other. I offer him my submission and deep desire to please him and that not only pleases him, it helps him bring more of himself to the rest of his life. He gives me the gift of his Dominance, allows me to please him, and takes care of me in ways that help me bring more of my self to my purpose in life.

For me, feeling his dominance, being held and contained, allows me to let go of so much that has kept me from being the person I want to be. It has happened slowly, and I’m still surprised when I discover new aspects of it.

For example, when he told me what to do to be able to sleep better, I was skeptical. When he punished me because I didn’t do what he had said, something shifted in me. My submissive self settled. I did what he had told me to do. And now I sleep like a cat, curled up in the sun.

As I wrote this, I thought, “In you I rest,” and pictured myself held – contained by him. But the phrase sounded familiar – when I googled it, I found a hymn called “Be Still My Soul (In you I rest.). Of course it turns about to mean being obedient to God, or to the authorities of your religion. I might be obedient to God, assuming God is Love, but I’m definitely not obedient to religious authority. And I don’t confuse my Dom with God – a fact that he probably appreciates! I don’t think he wants to be worshiped (cock worship is a whole different thing.)

In the same way, my title for this post, My Submissive Spirit, turns out to be a Christian thing. One definition is:

“… a voluntary, humble attitude of yielding one’s own will to the authority, wisdom, or needs of others, often rooted in love, respect, and spiritual, rather than forced, obedience. It is characterized by teachability, cooperation, and a quiet, gentle demeanor, frequently emphasizing a peaceful, non-aggressive approach to relationships.”

I kind of liked that. But as I read other articles, the Christian submissive spirit just doesn’t fit with how I feel – it’s so prescriptive. Lots of ‘don’t be selfish,’ ‘don’t think of your own needs’ ‘don’t argue with your husband,’ and even ‘don’t have authority over any man’ – and that’s not how I see it – it’s not how I feel.

A submissive spirit rises within me. It calls me to be open and vulnerable, honest about my feelings and thoughts, attentive to what might please him in many ways. But it is about offering him who I am, not how someone else thinks I should be. I love the idea of serving him in ritualistic ways, I wish I could prepare his coffee, rub his feet. Being able to indulge my submissive spirit and feeling his dominance fills a part of me that is empty otherwise. (Ok, I just realized how that sounds!! 🙄. Sheesh, y’all. You know what I mean).

And somehow, all of that will show up this weekend when we have time together with privacy. And yes, there will be a belt, The Tawse, and the wooden spoon involved. I’m in the Preparation stage – freshly waxed today. (Yikes, that was not fun.). Finalizing my packing list. Cut off from ‘taking care of myself’ and throbbing with need every time I think about it. Three more days…