For what it’s worth, I am no stranger to u-turns and do-overs. I know there are people who seem to be born knowing what they want to do. I am not one of them. I think of myself as a wanderer, out here exploring new worlds. Unlike Christopher Columbus, I’m not interested in looting, conquering, or ruling. I want to absorb the new worlds, soak up all the differences, learn to see the nuances, savor the tastes and smells, and ride all the rides before I go.
On the other hand, I’m not afraid to bail when I realize I’m in the wrong place.
Then I have to figure out where I am, and where I’m headed next.
Part of that process is looking back at where I’ve been, examining the stories I’ve told myself, finding meaning, reclaiming purpose – all that stuff that might sound cliche, but resonates with me.
The other day, I was telling Nora that I was in my mid-forties before I actually got involved in BDSM. She was curious about how I got started, so this post is partly in response to her question.
I was in my mid-forties when I went to my first munch, when I had my first taste of D/s. But my story starts much earlier. I discovered The Story of O when I was 13 or 14. It captured my imagination and awoke my libido more than I could tell you. It was my first experience with one-handed-reading, and I couldn’t get enough of it. Unfortunately, it left me feeling a bit dirty and ashamed, a bit like a hangover, without alcohol.
That was shortly after I had begun being molested by a 21 year old man, who swore he was madly in love with me. I was easily seduced by the idea of being loved, and it was no great feat to talk me into sex. The relationship became abusive in other ways beyond the *not old enough to really consent,* but continued off and on until I was 16.
I was 15 when I realized that the way I felt when I touched myself and read Story of O, that rush of pleasure, was the “orgasm” that other people talked about having during sex.
Some submissive women have not experienced abuse, others of us have – I don’t think it’s a deciding factor in kink. I was a bit turned on by the idea of spanking before I ever found Story of O.
I’ve done a bunch of therapy over the years and come to terms with the things that happened. There are still things that trigger me, but they’re rare, and I know how to handle it. I rarely talk about what happened, but it doesn’t bother me to. I don’t carry a bunch of shame from it anymore. And it’s pertinent here because, if I’m honest, I started out pretty lost from the beginning of this whole sexuality trip.
However, over the years, in other relationships, with other men, the Story of O was my go to fantasy for orgasms. I knew parts of it by heart. I could close my eyes and picture the page and *read* it. But the fantsies brought some shame, because really? I did not want to live the life O had. And I couldn’t understand why it turned me on so much.
More than once, I tried to explain what I wanted to a man I was in relationship with. That never ended well. They didn’t get it at all and weren’t interested, or they were interested, but in a really clunky, trying to guess what I wanted and do that, kind of way.
I found other books that turned me on, mostly about spanking. They were better than Story of O – less frightening – but also not the life I wanted.
Years. I spent years with only tiny tastes of D/s.
Then I found THE book that changed my life. Come Hither: A Commonsense Guide to Kinky Sex. Apparently, plenty of normal people were out there having kinky sex, living my dreams, without being locked up in dungeons all the time or expected to have sex with random strangers – not unless they wanted to.
In her comment on my last post, Nora said, “…doors open and doors close…”. The doors that this book opened for me let me step into a different realm, and it’s been a series of adventures since then.
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When I went to bed last night that last sentence ^^^ was going to be the end of this post. But I woke up this morning with new insight into my D/s journey. Ok, not brand new insight, but a perspective I had forgotten.
Some submissives are out of control and want a Dom to add control to their lives. Maybe they spend too much, get too emotionally reactive, maybe they feel out of control and want someone to take control. The Dom steps in to set limits, establish structure, rules, rewards and punishments so the sub can manage their life more effectively.
I want that too – the limits, structure, rules, rewards and punishments. But I am already in control of my behavior. Typically, I am the responsible, the one who calms everyone else when there’s an uproar. I pay the bills on time, do the taxes, plan vacations, think through all kinds of logistics, manage pretty much everything that needs managing. And I strive to do it collaboratively! I’m forever asking the people around me, how do you want to do this? What do you think? Even though the answer is often, I don’t know, whatever you think, or even, I’m too stressed to think about it (with tears.)
As I get older, I try more often to drop the ball – I’m not going to be here forever, and there are some responsibilities I’ve set down and walked away from. But that’s my vanilla life. What I want and need from a Dom is to be able to let go of control. To drop the reins for a while and let him lead.
That doesn’t mean I want him to pay my bills or take responsibility for my life. Submission allows me to forget all of that, to focus on him and let everything else go. Submission allows me to not be competent and in control all the time.
Once when I was Sir D’s submissive, we had friends coming in town for a play party and were going to dinner first. He gave me the task of researching restaurants (I lived in a different, nearby city) and providing information about three restaurants I thought might be suitable. He would choose from those. I was so happy to do that task! And if he wanted me naked and kneeling when I gave him the information, that was the icing on the cake.
Another time, with First Sir, we were supposed to meet for breakfast one morning. He got to the restaurant before I did, but then I couldn’t find the place. There was a tricky turn at one point along the way, and I jsut couldn’t figure it out. Getting lost will make me panic, and that sends me into a spiral and I just get more lost… It is the most awful feeling. He tried to talk me in by phone, but I just couldn’t follow what he was saying. I was probably only a mile or two away, but it felt impossible.
So he said, “Pull over and park. You’re right by the bank? Wait there.” He said, “I know where you are, I’ll find you. ” And he did. He left the restaurant and came to find me. I expected him to be annoyed with me, braced myself for laughing comments like, I don’t know how a smart woman like you can get lost so easily. Instead, he pulled up beside me with a kind look on his face that just said, “There you are.”
I breathed such a sigh of relief. He wasn’t annoyed, he didn’t laugh at me or tease me about it. He just took control. I felt – I can’t even describe how that felt.
Experiences like those don’t make me want to cook for him or take care of him in wifely ways. They make me want to kneel in front of him, maybe put my head in his lap, and and ask permission to worship his cock. After a good spanking? I long to taste him, to touch him in sensual ways, to please him.
In those moments, he is in control. I’m not thinking about anything beyond what my Sir wants now.
Olivia 
‘What I want and need from a Dom is to be able to let go of control. To drop the reins for a while and let him lead.’
this, exactly this!! you and i seem to be very much alike. i wrote about my journey on the less kinky blog some time back – i was overwhelmed at being in control ALL THE TIME! i needed a partner to step up and help out, to take on things himself from time to time so that i could do exactly what you describe. drop the reins, even for just a while. i had been married already for 15 years but by the time we got to that point i felt very much alone. then i found D/s. and here we are ….
He’s happier because although He was happy to let me do everything i think He had started to resent me for it, not sure He realized it at the time but He had. i in turn resented Him for making me take on everything and never carrying His share of the load. or so it felt like to me. i already had the burden of being everyone else’s rock – i needed one of my own.
and now here we are. *smiles* sorry for taking up so much space! lol you’re post just got to me. i wanted to share and let you know you’re not alone in this. ❤
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Yes! You describe this SO well! Being overwhelmed with taking csre of all the things and then your partner even starting to maybe resent you for it… I think that’s why I try so hard to be collaborative – well, plus it’s just how I am.
I LOVE that starting D/s has worked so well for you two. That just makes me happy.
Thanks for being part of my community – I’m feeling that strongly today. When I saw your comment yesterday, it made me feel so understood.
💜
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i really quite enjoy being part of what you’ve created here, olivia! *smiles* it makes me feel understood as well. i know there are always subtle, or not so subtle, differences but it is lovely to be able to be seen for me as well. ❤
D/s has had it's ups and downs for us as it has for everyone i would think, but we've found our balance and if that goes off path we just – recalculate! lol
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There are definitely differences, but the connections are so strong I’m glad that you feel seen
And I love that – “we just – recalculate!” 💜💜💜
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“He pulled up beside me with a kind look on his face that just said, ‘There you are.'”
“There you are.” To be seen, cherished, protected, and—for lack of a better expression—relieved of duty in this way…wow. There are few experiences more powerful than this. For those who don’t understand the pull of submission—and this isn’t a judgement about them at all—it’s nearly impossible to describe how visceral, affirming, and all-consuming this feeling is…and why we’re driven to kneel before and please the ones who have given us this gift. I’m so incredibly happy you were able to experience this, Olivia. 💗🥰
I always look forward to your posts! Thank you for sharing!!!
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YES! That is exactly how it felt. Seen, cherished and protected – and relieved of duty. It is a powerful pull for sure. I’m glad I’ve gotten to experience it from time to time too!!
Thanks so much for commenting! Today I’m particularly appreciating my community here and am glad you’re part of it!
.💜
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BIG hugs!!! 🥰 So happy to be part of this community with you, too!
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💜
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I love this so much. Part of me wishes I could feel that way about a man. And definitely submitting to a woman is different. But I couldn’t help but think that the way he reacted when you were listening to us hat we need more of from men. That is what real masculinity is.
I am living this weird double life of being a domme and feeling less and less submissive, but still also seeing the same domme now for years. And my version of your wanting to worship cock into cry. It has gotten to the point where if all she does is ask me to crawl across the floor to her I am crying before I get there.
don’t you love D/s and where it takes us?
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Love seeing you here, my beautiful friend ❤
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I do love D/s and where it takes us!! And I appreciate your perspective so much.
You’re right. That was what real masculinity is, and it is so welcome.
Interesting that your response to this deep pull is to cry – maybe not surprising. The gift of your tears and vulnerability maybe? Not that I have a clue, your experience seems to have so many layers, I am a bit awed at how you sort through it.
And I deeply apprecaite your voice, and am so glad you are here. 💜
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What a sweet thing to say!
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I’ve read this post several times this morning. I am grateful to have found a sister-in-submission who so clearly articulates what is at the heart of my desire to serve the right dominant man. I don’t need a man to tell me what to do, how to behave, how to run my life. I’ve figured that out pretty well on my own and am proud of my accomplishments. But what I long for is what you described in the choosing of the restaurant and in the taking charge when you were at a low moment…that sense of knowing that he’s got me when life is just too much. That in those moments, I can trust him to take over, relieving me of the burden of having to think it all out and make choices. But not just any man, or any Dom can do that for me. I don’t want to submit for the sake of submitting. I want to submit to a man that I admire, that I respect, and that I trust.
When I was writing my dissertation, I became stuck. I’d gotten myself that far, but I started to worry about my oral defense, future publishing, and what it would mean to have PhD behind my name. I was panicking and didn’t know how to stop. Sir took over. He recognized the situation for what it was and he stepped in and offered his particular kind of Guidance, which included helping me to set small attainable goals, spanking me when I didn’t reach my goals, and offering unlimited encouragement and discipline until I got to where I needed to be. The gift of his Dominance here was life-changing for me. And I think that this is the kind of dominance that you and I both crave.
Learning about this side of me has been quite the journey, full of ups and downs. But I am glad to be walking this journey with you, dear olivia. I am grateful our paths collided and grateful to walk by your side as you explore this side of yourself, what it all means, and what you want. You are an incredible person ❤
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nora – We are definitely sisters-in-submission. So many parallels, even though we have had very different lives and different experiences. We share the “competent as hell” thing and all the ramifications of that.
As for your experience with your Sir, you know I think he’s the – he’s the cat’s meow, the bee’s knees… Do not ask me why I turn to 1920’s slang to describe him, I’m not even that old. I KNOW he’s not perfect, but… sigh. There have been times in my life when I could have longed for the kind of support and encouragement that he gave you.
I’m glad to be walking this journey with you too!! You and I have shared so much over the years. I’ve been all sentimental about community today but I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your friendship!!
💜
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