Being submissive to Sir Jon was a lot like living in the amusement park. There were lulls in the excitement, it wasn’t always riding the rides, but there were games to play and prizes to win, treats to enjoy – a full array of good times, pretty much all the time. He didn’t have to be present for all of it. He could give me an assignment – “the daily” – and it was like he was there. The thongs were a pretty constant reminder of his touch. All the other ways he gave me to remember that I was his… I was immersed in him, wrapped in his dominance.
That couldn’t have lasted. At least I don’t think it could. It was too much, too intense. It was like being high on endorphins and oxytocin. Even if it could have lasted, I was neglecting other things, and that couldn’t last. I imagine he was neglecting other aspects of his life, after all, it wasn’t just me, there was His Antoinette and his friends, like nora, and his writing, which was prolific. I think it was going to crash sooner or later, one way or another.
And I knew that.
Even in the middle of the Carpe Diem joy, I knew.
And that’s ok. It’s ok that I miss him, ok that my heart aches sometimes. I appreciate all the support in the comments yesterday, all the insight, wisdom and caring that I felt from you.
I’ve been trying to fill the gap he left with my relationship with Sir X – and food. The food thing has got to stop – I’ve been craving treats, sweet and savory both. And I’ve been indulging my craving. Sigh. That has got to stop. Today.
I’m still down about 15 pounds from where I was years ago when I used to talk about it often on here. But I’d like to go down another 10 or 15, not up. I was pretty compulsive about checking google chat and email for messages from Sir Jon, and now, I’ll check for comments on the blog or other email, and then look for food. No more.
And I can’t really just segue from Sir Jon to Sir X no matter how much I’d like to. Sigh. Y’all probably already knew that and have just been humoring me, waiting for me to figure it out.
Sir X and I are not just dealing with D/s, we have a whole steady array of real life things we have to deal with. We know each other well and are fully aware of each other’s gifts and flaws. He does actually have disabilities and at times that means low energy and other issues. And he doesn’t have a strong drive to dominate and control, tbh, although he enjoys the activities of dominance. If that makes sense.
I would be kidding myself if I didn’t acknowledge that he is doing this because he knows that I need it. That’s not what any submissive wants. I want him to want it as much as I do. And he doesn’t.
BUT. I also don’t want to go back to the days of having nothing. I won’t go back. Having a weekly maintenance and weekly play time is still a million times better than nothing. And it’s not like he doesn’t want to do it – he does. He just isn’t driven to do it. And that will have to be ok.
The option to involve a third person is still open. At some point, we may do that. There are still events to go to, workshops to plan. I am still leaving room for not knowing.
What I need to do is reclaim myself. Attend to all the things I’ve been neglecting. Meditation practice, work, vanilla friends, movement, healthy eating… they are also important – essential even.
I need to pull my energy back into myself and focus here, internally. While staying open with my blog and connecting with you. Reminding myself that it will be interesting to see what happens…
Olivia 
Jon was larger than life. His presence here on WordPress was energizing and he brought a lot of bloggers together, and inspired people to write more. I miss that. I’ve had to take a break from WordPress a bit as being here reminds me of his absence. While I am experiencing a lot of anger at him right now, I still miss his friendship. I wish that he’d been more capable of balance in his life. I think that if he’d had more time with you, that you would have eventually shown him the way there.
What you’ve described here…the thrill, the intensity, the highs, the neglecting of other things in life… I have fond memories of this time with my own Sir. I tried to hold on to that time in our connection too tightly. The “infatuation” as I call it, lasted about a year for us. Eventually, he began to re-invest his time back into work, his family, and his hobbies/interests. I couldn’t recognize this for what it was and felt hugely abandoned, though I now see that what he was doing was healthy and necessary. Sir was unwavering in his love and helped me navigate this difficult time in my life, while setting boundaries around his time. Two years later, I am finally able to see how necessary this was. I can see how I could have saved myself from much unnecessary suffering by practicing acceptance and striving for greater balance.
Sir Jon swept into your life, a hurricane of thrill and heartbreak. You already have a history with Sir X, a deep and meaningful one, but one with a history of hurts and limitations, as well. While there won’t be the newness or the fresh excitement that you experienced with Jon, there is the potential for something else…the skies the limit as far as what you two could build together (or, where you might build it).
I admire how you’ve handled this all, olivia. I know your pain runs deep, and I also believe in your ability to grow and heal. You are an amazing person and any Dom that is fortunate enough to share time with you should consider himself damn lucky. Your sister in submission, nora ❤
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Nora, I have thought of you often during this time and have hoped you are ok. I know how important Sir John was to you and you to him so I understand how difficult this must be for you too. I too am angry at him right now so I am with you in this but just because we are doesn’t mean we miss him any less. If you ever want to reach out, please do.
Antoinette 💜 (Olivia, sorry for highjacking your blog!)
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Thank you for this lovely response, Antoinette. I read above, in a different comment, that this was your first journey in a D/s relationship. While I imagine it was thrilling for a time, I am very sorry for how it ended for you. That must have been incredibly jolting and I imagine you feel a bit abandoned now. How Jon left was not okay. I truly thought he would let things settle down at home, but then come back to this space to say goodbye to those that cared for him and to honor the connections he had formed (while still, ultimately, saying goodbye to respect his family situation). There is no honor in how he treated his submissives in the end, and you and olivia deserved better from him. It’s hard to find closure when you are left to do so on your own. I hope that you are holding up okay. Please feel free to reach out to me anytime. My contact info is on my blog. Lots of love. ❤
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Dear nora – I appreciate this comment so much. The first part is like a lovely eulogy for Sir Jon, although he is certainly alive and well in his own life, he is gone for us. I appreciate you sharing your perspective so much. I know how much he appreciated you and the friendship you had.
I remember you sharing a little bit about your first year with your Sir before and it was helpful in letting me see the normality of the early thrills.
Of course you’re right about the potential for Sir X and me to have a deep and meaningful relationship with some D/s as well. I hope we are able to grow that.
Thanks for the kind works about me, nora. We are, for sure, sisters in submission. 💜
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I suppose it was a bit like a eulogy. It did help me find some closure and I hope it felt okay for you for me to do that here on your blog ❤
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Of course, I loved that you did it here on my blog. And I’m glad it helped you find some closure! 💜
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Hi Olivia,
I’m not sure how much more I can add to what Nora has said. I think it’s so easy to become so immersed in D/s to the point of neglecting other areas of life. Sir Jon was like a hurricane who entered your life and abruptly left.
We have had so many stop/starts with D/s over the years. My Sir struggles with Dominance. While he did want and enjoy it he struggled outside of play and said he felt at times he was playing a role rather than it coming naturally. I don’t know what the difference is this time, but he has really embraced his Dominance. It is coming naturally and he is being super consistent. So hopefully Sir X may find the drive?
I too admire how you are dealing with all this and know you will heal. I think reclaiming you, focusing on certain other areas of life will go a long way in that process and provide satisfaction of a different kind, lol,achieving those goals.
Hang in there my friend,
Love
Roz
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I too have been down a similar road. There was a few times in our dynamic where B thought he was heading toward a TPE even. It was a very heady experience and one I look back at fondly, as far as our connection was and how light I felt. Sadly life changes things, and we find ourselves clawing back to some familiar territory, yet it’s always different as we are always different.
What I try to take away from my experiences during that time is how I had the capability to let go in such a significant way. It wasn’t all due to B. He cultivated an environment but I put in the self discovery work myself. It did seem easier. I have since found other ways to try to cultivate myself, and while it isn’t as instantaneous as it was during that time, nor have I reached those depths, it is something. To be honest, maybe I wouldn’t find myself there again with him either. Maybe it was a place I needed to visit but not take up residence there.
As far as a sub not needing a Dom to do it FOR her, I lived that for so long. The thought, the feeling, until a friend said, “So what? That’s what love is. Doing things for others that you may not have done before on your own” ( she is a sub btw). Allowing B to Dom because I wanted it led to many failures, BUT it also led to him desiring it more and more. Perhaps Sir X will get to a place like Roz’s Dom? Or perhaps you’ll both meet in the middle.
I do know how hard it is to step forward, when your heart has one foot in the past. Good luck pulling that foot forward- even if it’s just half an inch or so.💕
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Thank you, Willie. It’s so helpful to hear another long-term perspective. And I think you make a good point – maybe some experiences are meant to be experienced but not to be lived in.
And yes, I think you’re right, letting Sir X be who he is and find his own space of dominance makes sense. (I don’t think that’s exactly what you said, but that’s my take-away.). It’s an opportunity for me to practice rolling with what is rather than bemoaning the fact that things aren’t exactly as I’d wish them to be..
Lol, I love the analogy of needing to keep pulling that one foot out of the past. Yes. I will definitelykeep doing that. 💜
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Dear Roz – Thank you so much for your reflections and for sharing your experience. It seems to me (based mostly on blogs) that people who live with their Dom often have this rise and fall of actually practicing D/s. I’m so glad that yours is on the rise now, and hope it can stay consistent!
Yes, Sir X might become more dominant as I give him my submission. We’ll see… I’m feeling hopeful these days.
Thanks for the kind words. I’m sure I’ll heal too, and reclaiming myself is the only way I know to do that. It helps so much to know that you, and others, are still here for me.
💜 love, olivia
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Olivia, thank you for this post. Your analogy of being at an amusement park with Sir Jon was spot on.
You once described him as being a Catalyst archetype and I always thought that it fit him perfectly. He was charismatic, a change maker, mentor and connector of people. All of this informed his dominance and it was thrilling to be wrapped in it.
It was my first foray into a D/s relationship and it was consuming. I have respected and admired how you have been handling this and I have looked to you for guidance. Your wise words are an encouragement for me to put my focus back on the other things in my life that are important and necessary and also the people that bring me joy.
Your friend, Antoinette 💜
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Thanks so much for this comment, Antoinette. I appreciate your reflections on Sir Jon so much. He was really a force to be reckoned with.
And what an adventure for a first D/s relationship! I am glad we had the opportunity to meet and I value our friendship. If it had to end this way, I’m glad to have you keeping me company on this healing journey. 💜
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