With a Heavy Heart…

/ olivia

It is truly with a heavy heart that i share the latest update in my life saga. 

On Sunday night, I got a message from Sir Jon telling me that his wife had asked him to stop his activity on the blog and his IG account. 

One of the first things Sir Jon told me was that he was married. Well, maybe not one of the actual first things, but early on. He told me that his wife knew what he was doing to some extent, but that if she ever told him he needed to stop, that he would stop. He was clear that his relationship with her was his first priority.

So I knew this could happen. But the heart loves what the heart loves.

If you have a bunch of judgement about him or me at this point, that’s ok. I don’t care. 

In any case, he’s gone now. I might have a fantasy or two about him and his wife coming to a new understanding that brings him back. But that’s just denial; my realistic self knows that’s not likely going to happen.

At first, I was numb. I didn’t quite feel it, I just kept going on auto-pilot. Then I felt like someone had gouged out a piece of my heart, which, I guess, in fact, they had. 

Sometimes, I feel like my heart is frozen. Other times, it just aches. I miss him so much. He was woven into my days and nights, bringing color and laughter and delight. So much passion, pulling me deeper and deeper into submission to him with so much joy. 

And he frigging changed my life. I told him once that he was the Catalyst archetype (maybe I even wrote about it?). I thought about that a lot. He was a change agent. He wasn’t responsible for changing my life, but he ignited the sparks that led me to a candid and painful conversation with MP, which has led us to begin building a new relationship with each other. Well, youall already know all the ways he brought me to life – I’ve celebrated them here for weeks.

In a Hallmark movie, Sir Jon would be an angel in disguise, stirring things into new patterns, then watching from heaven as MP steps more fully into being Sir X and we create a new happily ever after. Except, you know, Sir was no angel. I write that, and laugh, because he wasn’t, but he kinda was for me. And there is no true happily-ever-after, just happily-for-now.

Anyhow. I am hurting, but I am also ok. Both of those things can be true. I miss him dreadfully. and imagine I will for a long, long time. I agreed not to contact him again, of course, and I won’t. But there are things I want to say, so I will write a final good-bye here. If I have a secret hope that he’ll read it someday, well, that’s ok too. it is really too intimate for the blog, but it is the only way I have to say what I need to say.

My Sweet Sir,

You know that I miss you dreadfully. I know that you miss me. You are missed by others, particularly your Antoinette. She and I talk often. nora has been so supportive, and I know she misses you too, as will other people. I know you must miss them dreadfully. There were so many people you cared about in this cyber life you created. I miss you in the community, and I miss you in my private life with you. But for every bit of sadness I feel now, there is a memory of pleasure and joy – or a memory of pain and joy. 🥰 I will hold you in my heart forever.

I know that you want me to be happy, and I promise I will be, you know, for the most part. I will remember the lessons you taught me, the ways to feel your presence when you’re not here, and how it felt to be seen. I won’t let my sexual/submissive self go into hibernation again. In loving you and submitting to you, you helped me become more of who I am. Yes, I’ll think of you when I wear thongs and on no-panties Friday, and a thousand other times too. And if I do a workshop at Sex Down South, I’ll definitely mention you.

I hope you build a life with your wife that makes you both happy. I worry that you feel alone and maybe unloved. I hope that you can still feel some part my love, even across the vast distance between us. When I’m sad thinking about what this might be like for you, I turn to a loving kindness meditation.

I picture you in my mind, bringing you to life, holding you in my heart. And I say:

May you be happy
May you be healthy 
May you feel loved
May you live with ease 
Lovingly, Obediently, Submissively yours, always,
olivia

30 thoughts on “With a Heavy Heart…”

  2. My heart is heavy for your loss.
    I can understand the pull of loyalties outside of yourself and I know that whilst you understand why he has done what he has done, it doesn’t blunt the pain you feel. But he has changed you, or given you the space to change yourself and I am so glad that he has had this effect on your life. I do hope this brings happiness to his home and I believe that you will continue on this journey towards your own happiness.
    Keep your heart open, keep your submissive self alive and know they will be joy and pleasure ahead for you, along with just the right amount of pain to go with it.

    Thank you for sharing your farewell missive and I hope that he gets to see it.

    If you ever want to talk, am only an e-mail away

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  3. Olivia, my heart is with you. The last few days have been terribly painful. I miss Sir dreadfully as I know you do. My relationship with him came along so unexpectedly it actually scared me a little but he was good for me and brought me so much joy. As sad as I am, I keep trying to remember all the goodness, the lessons taught and received, and so much laughter. He has left a mark on me and will always be with me. Thank you, my dear friend, for making this time a little easier. 💜

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    • Thank you so much for commentinig, Antoinette!! I love seeing you here. I know what you mean about the relationship being unexpected, a bit scary and – yeah. So worth it. Plus a bonus is getting to know you. We are truly sisters in this. 💜

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  5. Thank you for trusting us with your journey, olivia. My heart is with you. While I believe that he will see your letter, I also trust that he knows your heart, just as you know his, despite the distance and circumstances ❤

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    • Thank you, nora, I really appreciate your support. And you’re right, I think. he does know my heart. I hope you’re right though, that he will see the letter. But it’s ok regardless. Thanks again. 💜

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  6. I’m so sorry, Olivia. You know that Sir Jon and I collided over some things. Part of my frustration with him was that he reminded me, quite alarmingly, of my ex, and I so didn’t want you to go through what I went through. I feared for you because I feared you WOULD go through the pain that I went through, or similar (Will got divorced, then left me for another woman) – the pain of losing the Dominant you loved. It sucks, it hits hard, and I still think about Will often. In any case, take this away with you now, with yout chin up and a belief in your heart that you can and you will do great things for yourself and your community. You have your relationship with Master X now, which has been revitalised with the kindness and help of Master Jon. I hope that that goes well for you both from here, and you know that I and our community are right here for and with you, every step of the way 🙂

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  7. First off I’m truly sorry for your loss. I think we can rationally know things may happen, but that never adequately prepares us for when it does .

    So many wonderful experiences came your way because of your relationship with Jon. As you said he was the catalyst for bringing you back, perhaps to a place you weren’t sure even existed in you. Sometimes it takes just one person who you allow yourself to see in your corner to help with that change. I know first hand how difficult it is to lose someone like that. Maybe it’s made easier because parting was not because one or the other hurt each other intentionally. But I think that plays to the logical mind and tells us we should be “happy it happened” and we should be! But sometimes it is okay to say, “why??” “This sucks” ” this hurts!” and “I don’t want this reality!”,- even for just a little while💕
    willie

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    • Thank you, Willie. No, there’s no way to really be prepared for this. I am grateful for all kind of things – and at the same time, I really hate it. I am so hurt, believe me, and I’ve been walking around kind of bleeding internally. Writing this was really helpful today and let me release some of that. If it doesn’t come across that I’m suffering, it’s because I’m pretty damn private about that. But I super appreciate your recognition of how hard it is. And I feel like I’ve gotten to know you so much better and am enjoying that a lot. 💜

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  8. I know that feeling of “internal bleeding”. I also get the feeling like I just want to go outside and run until I collapse ( which in all likelihood would be about 3 blocks lol). But there is just an antsy, unsettled feeling inside that I just don’t know how to deal with at times.

    I understand feeling the need to be private in your feelings, but sometimes part of maintaining vulnerability is opening up and letting it out. I cannot say I’m great at that often either, but it can relieve some of the weight.

    I’m glad we’re getting to know each other a bit more as well. Another benefit to your time with Jon.

    You have a lot of people in your corner Olivia, reach out to them/us in any manner you need.
    willie

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    • For me, it is a dull ache that just sits on my heart. No urge to run – more to curl up in bed and stay there. You’re probably right about letting my feelings out and being vulnerable with that… something to think about.

      I am really fortunate to have people who are in my corner!! Thank you, Willie. 💜

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  9. I am so sorry to hear this Olivia. My heart aches for you. So many positives came from your relationship with Jon. As you said, he ignited the sparks that led to wonderful changes in your life, including your relationship with Sir X.

    My hope for you is that you and Sir X build further on the changes to your relationship and that you continue to engage in the community and continue with the plans you had, when you are ready. You have a lot of people who care and want to support you.

    Hugs
    Roz

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    • Thank you, Roz, I really appreciate your support.

      Sir X is really stepping up so it will be interesting to see what happens between us. I intend to continue in the community and hopefully that will go well.

      I have really felt the support from so many people here, and it means so much to me. This would be even harder if it weren’t for all of you. 💜 💜

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  11. Very sad, olivia. I hope you continue to remember him with fondness. Some revolutions come for a season, bring change and lasting memories and make the normal never quite the same ever again. 🙏🩶

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  12. My heart breaks reading this for a different reason, and I hope you can understand.
    I’m close family to “Jon.”
    This (all of this) has been quite an unwelcome revelation, as it is not the first time he has been unfaithful to his wife and lied to his partner(s) about her awareness of it.
    Let me be as clear as possible- we had no knowledge that he was presenting himself as being ethically polyamorous… unethically either, for that matter. (I firmly believe that polyamory can be done correctly, if everyone is open and honest and desirous of the same outcomes. Dishonesty with others and with self is tragic, and causes a lot of unnecessary hurt. )
    This persona that “Jon” created for himself was dishonest in so many ways, but it’s the fact that he was offering teaching on practicing ethical BDSM that has rocked me the most. I know that he has valuable insight and is eloquent in expression and writing, so I can understand how easy it is to trust what he has to say.
    I’ve been vacillating on posting anything or not… but I feel that having all of the knowledge and truth possible is the *only* way healing can happen for everyone involved. Especially his wife. She is deserving, loving, and the most kind person I have the pleasure to know. So I feel that she deserves to be seen here, in a way, and given respect.
    Sigh. Like clearing an infection- it all needs to be cleaned and treated for new healing to be successful.
    To those who have been directly or indirectly impacted I hope that you can extend understanding and empathy to all parties involved. I appreciate the respectfulness I’ve seen so far.
    I hope my comments are more helpful than disruptive, and hope for healing for all of us.

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    • Dear Alice,
      Thank you for sharing this. It must have been dreadfully difficult to do, not knowing how it would be recieved either. I tend to agree that “the truth will set you free.” So I do appreciate it.
      And now I’m thinking that maybe I need to turn your comment into a post… but maybe not. I’ll have to think about that. But it would, perhaps, be more fair to his wife.
      I know that this isn’t helpful, but Sir Jon (I know, it must seem ridiculous to you for me to call him that) always said that his wife was the kindest, most gentle person in the world and that he was lucky to have her in his life. And even as I write that, I’m afraid that it’s just infuriating to know that he said that.
      I’ve only been cheated on once, but I know how devastating it was for me. It was very different circumstances, but still hurt me a great deal. I can only imagine how hurt his wife is, and I do feel terrible for that. She does deserve respect and to be seen here.
      For what it’s worth, I do have empathy for his wife. I did worry for him about how her hurt and anger would be expressed, but in fairness, he deserves however she chooses to handle it.
      Yeah, I bet his Dom lessons were jarring. Sigh. Tbh, i was always a bit amused and didn’t necessarily agree with everything he said, and sometimes they reflected a patriarchal culture more than I was comfortable with. But he does have some good insight, and is super engaging.
      Your comment is helpful. I don’t love “Jon” any less, and I never had negative feelings toward his wife, other than worrying about how it would be for him now. Which really, wasn’t fair to her.
      As I said, I am tempted to make your comment a blog post, with my thoughts added of course. I don’t know how you would feel about that though. Don’t know if you will even come back to read this response, although I hope you will.
      I want to say that I am sorry that my choices hurt his wife. And I am – but don’t know that I wouldn’t do it again given the same situation. So that’s a hollow apology – and I can apologize for that!
      Feel free to email me if there are other things you’d like to say directly – oliviahisservant@gmail.com. Or comment, of course. And if you have thoughts about me making this more public don’t hesitate to let me know, here or privately.
      Thank you again for your comment. It wasn’t what I wanted to hear, but I do value truth (most of the time anyhow.) I have actually been doing the loving-kindness meditation for Jon’s wife too, and will continue to do so and hope for happiness for both of them. 💜

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