What about the Doms?

/ olivia

I’m over here being all analytical about submissives and what we need – which is, of course, what I know the most about. But I begin to wonder, what about the Doms? What is this like for them? What feelings get triggered that they have to work through?

I know that a common one is working through their feelings about wanting to spank or otherwise hurt someone else. Resolving the internal conflict – I’m a good person – good people don’t hurt other people – I want to spank/flog/whip/put nipple clamps on my submissive. Logically, it doesn’t work so there must be some coming to terms with it.

I ran across this quote. (Yes, I do look up quotes just for the fun of it.). I haven’t read that book, so I have no context for this quote.

“I had no idea it would be like this. That having someone on their knees for you would make you so vulnerable.”
― Alexis Hall, For Real

But it makes me wonder what it feels like to have that power over someone else. And what that vulnerability is like. Sir Jon writes a lot about his experience of being a Dom, and I am fascinated by that. But I’m left wanting to know more about the emotions under the thoughts, and what it’s really like from the inside.

35 thoughts on “What about the Doms?”

  1. YES! I would love to hear more about the emotional experience of Doms, as well. While I can sometimes get my Sir to open up a bit, I wish we spent more time exploring this together. There seems to be much more emphasis, by submissives and dominants alike, to focus on the experience of the sub.

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    • That’s because women talk! Lol. Men don’t much on a good day and Dominant men even less so. I found Doms speaking to subs who aren’t their’s tend to be more chatty. B’s off today, I’ll think on what we have talked about over the years and ask him to expand. Maybe throw a Dom or 2 I know under the bus as well. Lol

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      • Several years ago we were dancing around a TPE dynamic. B said later that that type of power was intoxicating and addictive. And in some level it was unnerving because he had never thought of himself as ‘that guy’. More recently he has discussed his reluctance because he feels he’s crossed some lines in the past and he knows how easily I could be victimized by him, not physically as much, but there is that as well, but this time he was talking emotionally. He said there is a darkness he has and sometimes in the moment when I am most vulnerable thoughts have entered his head he feels should not be there. Have I witnessed these? Yes on occassion he has dipped his toe there over the years, but I’m still standing- and still here .

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      • I love how deeply B can explore this with you. I am curious…was he able to share the thoughts that entered his head that he felt shouldn’t be there? I think the point olivia is making below is that this is his shadow, the part of himself that he has trouble accepting. I am guessing it might feel too intimate to share, but if you are comfortable, I would LOVE to hear more about those thoughts of his… XOXO

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      • I wish I could answer that question, but he didn’t say specifically. He only said that I get so vulnerable with him I could easily be victimized. He’s realized that and sometimes when he looks at me he knows how easily he could do it. He never says much about what goes through his head, only to warn me not to push him.

        As for the shadow self, I couldn’t reply to that. Sometimes there seems to be no direct reply button. I know it is his shadow self, but right now I don’t think he’s ready to face something’s? He’s been offered help from our friend but he’s not really gone that route either.

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      • Thanks for sharing these insights. I think it is really difficult for men to do this kind of work, but it sounds like he is stepping into it, even if he is reluctant too. I also think men often need a lot of space to be able to explore their internal well-being. Good for him for taking it as far as he has.
        💜

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  3. Geez, women and the need to discuss emotions. Rolling eyes. Seriously, what is like inside the mind and heart of a Dom? Short version? I can only speak for myself. I was aware of the old axiom “never hit a lady,” but I always asserted that if she truly acted like one then I agreed. If she acted like a brat or a witch then all bets are off! I will admit of all the spankings I’ve given the ones that were not consensual were some of the more enjoyable ones. The pleasure of administering “justice” through a nicely smacked bottom is delightful.

    Regrets? Second thoughts? Those only come after the fact, if at all. In this world of D/s, I have no qualms about play with the woman since she has given permission to do so. I am more like a kid with a toy than getting too philosophical about it. Maybe that makes me a shallow guy, but there it is.

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    • Lol! The deserving of a spanking reminds me of when we first started Dd. All these blogs were preaching, never spank when angry and I thought what??? Because B would then wait, at the start and then softened because of time. Later On in our dynamic when he’d just do it, it was far more meaningful.
      I once discussed this ‘idea’ that blogland had about never spanking when angry and how the pitch forks and torches came out when I said I thought that was dumb, in a rage no but if you can’t trust your Dom/husband/ hoh when he’s angry he’s probably not cut out for this with a much more experienced Dom. He said- “why the devil not?? of course you should get your arse beat when he’s angry! That’s the point. “. Lol. Interestingly enough it was the men not the women at the time who were reluctant to spank angry. Guess that goes to the thought of not fully letting go of , never hit a woman.

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      • First of all, it’s a pleasure to talk with you.
        I fully agree about the spanking at the moment thing. If you can’t trust them then what the hell is it all about? I THINK I already described when my first time truly giving a righteous spanking to a very deserving young woman, but I’ve lately been toying with the idea of making into a pre-wolf story. lol. the making of a Dom.

        Strike while the iron is hot, so-to-speak. Good for B. My mom only waited until she’d guided me somewhere else out of the public or family eye and sometimes not even then.

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      • Aw, thanks.
        My Mom always said we were Street Angels and “had the common decency to only misbehave at home” 🤣. So she didn’t have to spank in public, unless you were my brother ( who now admits he was a meathead growing up. Lol).

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    • Lol, Sir, at your comment with the eye roll.
      Thanks for humoring this propensity of women to discuss feelings.

      I’m intrigued by your reflections on non-consensual spankings and curious to hear more about that. Yeah, I wouldn’t expect you to have regrets, you have a lot of confidence in yourself, which might be a Dom trait. It’s always interesting for me to read your perspectvie though. Thank you, Sir.
      💜 🥰

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  4. I love this topic Olivia! We definitely don’t hear enough about the perspective of the Dom and I would love more insight too! The quote is interesting. Not sure I thought about our Dom’s having moments of vulnerability also.

    My Sir has talked about the feeling of power, and knowing he is doing something I want/need, which ‘helps’ with the “never hit a woman” mindset and a feeling of greater masculinity. Of course it also being a big turn on LoL.

    Hugs
    Roz

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    • Thanks, Roz! I”m glad you liked the quote and I agree. We don’t talk about how being a Dom can create vulnerability. I think that exercising power can also create vulnerability, although we don’t often talk about it that way. I appreciate you sharing your husband’s insights!!
      💜

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  5. When I am in a more dominant space, I tend to think about it as a special gift and important responsibility. Like you mentioned in your writing, it can be edgy for me as a sensual man…especially the spanking and belt. The other elements of being a Dom feel a bit more natural. I just have to remind myself, that my girl has shared a special gift with me by trusting enough in me enough to reveal her deepest sexual desires and for me to be the man that controls her pleasure. My discipline is always fueled by adoration, sometimes love, and always about making my girl’s wildest sexual fantasies…her reality.

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    • That’s a beautiful reflection on this. Thanks for sharing it. I can appreciate the viewpoint of it having been a gift and seeing it as taking control of her pleasure. That’s pretty cool. Thanks again for talking about it1
      💜

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  6. An interesting question, Olivia, and you know I am not one to shy away from a challenge. I asked Matt about it and he said that for him, it’s his confidence: knowing that he is enough – not too soft, not too harsh, not too lenient, not too strict. So many submissives think they can just take the backseat and let the Dominants run the show (I would know, I experienced this in my Domme days) but really Dominants require feedback from their submissive partners and they require acceptance too. They’re real people with real feelings and concerns.

    I think for me, in my Domme days, I needed the reassurance. I needed the reassurance that my subs wanted what I did (and they did, I’ve had two hunt me out because they couldn’t forget me lol). I needed the reassurance that they could take me and my “abuse”, and that they really wanted it. I wanted to know that they really were okay with/wanted what I did to them and I wasn’t just a terrible person. Turns out, some guys really love tough love 😉

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    • Thanks Helen, I love that you got an insightful response from Matt. That makes a lot of sense, and I think I”ve seen Doms seeking that balance – like the three bears – “Just right.” In my understanding, giving honest feedback is really the submissive’s responsibility. If we don’t do that, how can the Dom know? I think some Doms get stuck on the idea that feedback is telling them what to do. But it’s really just providing information so they can make an informed decision about what to do.

      Yeah, I think that shows up for lots of Doms too, needing to know that we really want this. That’s definitely another layer here. The yes, please/ omg, stop can be confusing in a way.

      Thanks again for sharing your thoughts.

      💜

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      • Olivia, I definitely agree with you, about about some Doms getting stuck. I’ve been accused of “topping from the bottom” before now when I haven’t been trying to. As you say, if I can’t provide feedback, how will they know? Clear and honest communication is a vital part of BDSM, and I’m so glad I have someone who believes it too xx

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      • Yeah, there’s always a balance between being honest and diplomatic – and not all Doms are good at hearing feedback anyhow. That’s what I think of as an opportunity for growth for them!! I’m glad we agree on this too. 💜

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