Shadows

/ olivia

Being a fan of Jung and Jungian psychology, I believe that we all have a shadow side – that part of ourselves that we keep hidden. Often, people try to hide their shadow from themselves. ”Oh, I’m. not that kind of person, I’d never do that…” No matter what “that” is, there are things we’d like to think we’d never that may or may not be true.

BDSM invites our shadow selves into the light. Maybe you don’t believe in hitting women (which is good, I don’t either!). But you love to paddle your partner, and what kind of sense does that make? Maybe you are a strong, independent person, – but you love to be spanked and put to bed. 

I know, if you’re reading this post, this is not news to you. But why would we want to bring our shadows into the light? Oli Anderson says:

“To really free ourselves and live our Shadow Lives, we have to be able to not just remove the mask we’ve been wearing but to look at the monster that hides beneath it and learn to love it. Your Shadow isn’t a ‘thing’ or even a ‘place’ but a relationship that you have with certain parts of yourself that you’ve hidden.“

The Shadow hides the things we’re ashamed of, or tries to, but it also hides the things that are most powerful and most beautiful about ourselves. I may have to go back and finish reading Existential Kink…

When I pause and drop out of my head and into my body, I experience the world in a different way. Allowing the parts of me that have been rejected to bubble up and be seen. 

So – there is that part of me that is not independent and strong. A part of me that is downright needy. {Gasps from the audience – needy? Surely not!}. But it’s true. 

I learned in childhood that you need to do things for yourself, not look to anyone else for answers. That’s not to say I never got help, of course I did. But there was a complex relationship around asking for help and the first response was almost always to try harder. That’s not all bad. It taught me survival skills that have saved me more than once.

And it made me feel ashamed of asking for help. Of needing anyone to help. But –

When I am deeply into a D/s relationship, I feel needy as hell. Waiting for a text response can be painful – and I’m not talking about waiting for hours. 5 minutes can feel like a lifetime. Even while I’m laughing at myself, the anxious waiting is there. The urge for contact is so strong…

Ive learned to flow with it, for the most part. Acknowledging that the feeling is there, but that I don’t have to act on it. I can just notice it and let it be.  

It was the same when I had a Dom in person – maybe worse in some ways. We would spend time together, and I would feel that open vulnerability that happens, and then the time in between seeing each other was so hard. I used to really fight feeling the pull of my Dom, be angry with myself, wrestle with the idea that I was irrevocable flawed because I didn’t feel ok alone again. I felt abandoned. And I knew that was ridiculous.

Thank goodness, I’ve let go of that struggle. I guess all that mediation and mindfulness is paying off – I really can just acknowledge and accept what is. Having said that, I suspect some much more difficult shadow thing is going to pop up for me now. Sigh…

I would love to hear what parts of yourself have emerged through kink, if you’re aware of them. How has this let you be more of who you are?

31 thoughts on “Shadows”

  2. I’ve read about Jungian psychology before
    The Self, the Shadow and such. I like the idea that we contain multitudes that we aren’t one thing. The Shadow does inform our more kinky desires. The elements of me that seek to care for others bleed into that desire for control, to tease rather than be tease, to pleasure rather than be pleasured. Your post did what it often does, leave me with lots to think about.

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  3. A very interesting post, Olivia! I relate to the struggles with asking for help too, though perhaps my story is a little different. I was never told to fey harder bit I’d often find my parents didn’t want to help, or they would try and then get frustrated at one another. I remember very distinctively building a wardrobe one day because my parents couldn’t work out the parts and gave up on it, leaving it in parts all over my bedroom floor. I had to build it to be able to get around my room.

    Anyway, I think for me kink has really underscored my need to please, and my desire to be graceful. As a teen I was a tomboy and I was so convinced that I could never be pretty or ladylike. A bit of lace changed all of that!

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    • Thanks for your comment, Helen! Sorry for the delay responding, I thought i had…

      I think it has a profound impact on us when we’ve learned that we need to do it ourselves and help is not likely to be there. But I totally hear you on kink touching that “need to please.” I think the desire to be grateful connecting with it is really interesting too. Thank you so much for sharing your experience! 💜

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  4. I want to say that this piece struck a chord in me. I’d also like to say that much of your writing resonates strongly. I’m not writing for public consumption currently (I did for about a year and a half on my now-retired blog, Butt Stuff), so you feed me. Thank you!
    Warmly,
    Jean Marie

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  5. I have a Shadow post on my blog that I move to Jan 1st of each new year on my blog. I see it as the beginning of my journey and anchor as each year begins. Your writing really resonates…along with how you manage your shadow. You inspire us to be more reflective and to acknowledge and embrace our Shadow rather than repressing or fearing it. I think mine comes from losing my mother as a young boy and the void left without having a mother’s special type of love. So much of my life in recent years has been focused on understanding women and developing deeper connections…this coming after recognizing my Shadow. Prior to this recognition, I certainly wasn’t the best version of Self.

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    • Oh, I just went over and read your post. That’s so powerful – thank you for sharing it. I can see how that experience would have shaped your life in some ways. Digging into all those feelings, unearthing them, is a difficult task but it sounds like you’re doing it beautifully. And your story is more evidence that recognizing and accepting our shadow brings new opportunity for growth. Thank you, Michael. 💜

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  6. This topic is very near and dear to my heart at the moment, as I recently began doing shadow work with my own therapist. Exploring some of these parts of myself has been both terrifying and freeing. As crazy as it sounds, my doctoral program did not have much emphasis on Carl Jung. I put some of his books on my Christmas list this year and they are now sitting by my chair, just waiting to be read. At some point, I’ll start poking around the fact that I am an educated woman, fully capable of supporting herself….but longing to submit and care for a dominant man. I am not unserious when I say that I think I could be happy being an at-home woman who lives to care for and obey the man that dominates me, that owns me. Of course, he also spanks and fucks me regularly too…

    Blushing.

    Just writing about this is turning me on. I think a cold shower is calling my name! XOXO

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    • I can’t believe I didn’t already reply to this – i’m so sorry. I did a big response in my own mind…

      I love that you’re doing shadow work, not surprised that you didn’t learn a lot about Jung in your classes. He is not evidence based – no big meta research on the healing power of Shadow work – because it’s not an 8-12 session intervention.

      I am so interested in your thoughts about being happy as a stay-at-home woman, taking care of the home and the Dom. And yes, of course that would include spanks and fucks!! It’s super rare for me to have urges to be an at-home woman, but I’m always interested in how that works for others.

      Thanks nora, for sharing all this! 💜

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  8. Such a great post Olivia, and much food for thought here too. I don’t know how many times my Sir and I have had the “is this wrong”, “how can/does this work” conversation. I think in the end we decided each time who cares, it just does lol

    I have made a few discoveries through kink. That I have a little side that wants/needs Daddy at times and lots of cuddles. Also a greater awareness and acceptance of my own body (still a work in progress!). I also discovered I enjoy the feeling of vulnerability (within the context of kink).

    Hugs
    Roz

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    • Thanks, Roz. You’re right, understanding how it works is not nearly so important as enjoying the fact that it does! Interesting that you have a little side – that is such a warm fuzzy thing and so wonderful when it’s allowed expression. Moving toward acceptance of your body and enjoying vulnerability in kink are also significant opportunities to explore. This stuff is just so cool! Thanks for sharing your experience. 💜

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  9. Now it’s my turn to feel guilty for not seeing a post ( in fairness my blogger dashboard took forever to show it).

    I have a lot to say, shocking I know, but I need to think on it more and make sure I’m coming from a good place when I do comment.
    willie

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  10. Let’s see, where to begin, perhaps like you at the beginning of me. Lol I grew up in a large family but basically as an only child. By the time I came along my folks were tired. I was dragged along to adult parties and vacations. I learned to entertain myself and figure out things on my own. Coming from a generation of kids are to be seen not heard. I made myself neither seen nor heard as a result. When I was, I made sure I was useful so as not to be an annoyance. So there is one aspect of myself.

    Growing up I watched my Mom who is a jack of all trades. She was the Martha Stewart, Bob Villa, and Dr Phil ( if he was likable)of her time. She was a housewife but none like anyone I saw around us. According to my brother in laws “The ( family surname) women are like no other”. That’s a lot to live up to. Lol. But I witnessed how being a housewife was a thing to be proud of, not all Oprah and Bonbons ( sadly lol). My Mom was also feared and revered. She’d put my brother’s basketball team in their place, but served my Dad with femininity.

    When I started blogging I met and became very close friends with a group of women. These women were all professionals ( unlike myself ) who had been living a more rigid dynamic than B and I. They had accepted this other side to themselves, which was so vastly different than their outwardly persona, mine is not . I think because of this and my Mom, I slowly accepted my shadow self so there was never a huge epiphany.

    If I’m to be honest, I can see how I was always submissive in areas I was comfortable. I most certainly wear various masks, and I once wrote a post about them, maybe that was my epiphany time?

    I’m not sure our kink shone any light on it, but I do know it has allowed something I already suspected existed to grow. And maybe that’s the same thing?

    As much as accepting being a submissive isn’t or hasn’t been much of a challenge, I do have issues asking for help, or being corrected for messing up. I have a learning disability, (stealth Dyslexia for the curious) that wasn’t diagnosed until I was an adult, while having our child assessed . Admitting I need something, anything brings me the same feelings as I had as a child, feeling like I am less than. I feel like I should always be capable as an adult and yet I know no one really always is .

    As far as feeling abandoned by my Dom, yes it still happens. It just did as a matter of fact, which I why I wanted to think before responding. Maybe it’s harder when you live in the same house, because expectations are different? I say maybe because you mentioned it, I don’t really have an online Dom, so I cannot say- no doubt both have unique challenges. I can say that when you feel abandoned and you are sitting in the same room as the individual it’s….spirit crushing. Okay well clearly I still need a lot more work in the acceptance area. Lol

    I think the kink silences the outside noise, whatever that might be and wherever it might come from ( ourselves, those around us, work) . And for a moment in time it creates a bubble around 2 people, ( in our house)
    Sometimes one leaves the bubble first and the temperature changes making it difficult for the one still inside. But! That bubble allows us to feel it’s okay to be whomever we feel we are, even for a little while, so it’s definitely worth it.

    💕willie

    willie

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    • I love having this backstory, Willie. I can picture you as a child now. It sounds like an interesting life, even though maybe not the textbook description of how to raise your child.

      Your mom sounds like an interesting woman and a wonderful role model. A real example of living the way one wants to.

      So the challenge for you wasn’t around whether or not you were submissive – that wasn’t part of your Shadow. The Shadow isn’t necessarily any one part for us – it’s usually whatever part does trigger shame.

      The challneges that kink offers are, as you pointed out, around asking for help and around abandonment. Those aren’t the only one by any means, but they are often invitations to explore the shadow.

      I agree – in the same room or not -feeling abandoned is just painful. Even when we know it’s not truly abandonment. I like your metaphor of it creating a bubble and then if one leaves before the other, it feels devastating. Or – you put it more delicately – “the temperature change makes it difficult for the one still inside.”

      This reminded me of a blog post from my old blog that I ran across the other day. I think I’ll share that today…. Thanks!!
      💜

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      • Answering your post had me thinking about several posts I have written over the years. Maybe I’ll start sharing them as well.

        I’ve been thinking a lot about this since last evening when I commented. There were countless things that this kink ( as you put it) brought to the surface, especially the first 4 years. I attribute that to being able to be vulnerable even to myself. Somethings at the time I wished I didn’t remember, but now that I have dealt with them, I’m better off for it.

        As for my childhood, no doubt lots of things stem from parts of my childhood like everyone else. I remember those times alone as a probable reason forward why I am the way I am in situations ,but to be honest that was 4 hours a week or 2 weeks in the summer. Not an ongoing event. And it brought me a closeness to my parents friends that my siblings didn’t have.

        I look forward to reading your next post!

        willie

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      • I thought about this post so much I thought I had responded. 🙄

        Yes, I think the vulnerability of kink pulls on all kinds of threads of our lives that we have been ignoring. It offers some amazing opportunities for healing and growth. This is why I have fantasies about a mindfulness based, BDSM retreat center where they’re trauma informed. I know, super geeky/kinky all at the same time.

        I can relate to your reflections about childhood too. The older I get, the more comfortable I get with the idea that our parents just did the best they knew how to do – sometimes it was better than others. And whatever happened made us who we are, and that’s ok. It’s worth understanding, but it’s ok to make peace with it, imo.

        Thanks, willie. 💜

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  12. Keeping my unknown side was not merely keeping it in the shadows… i was even suppressing it! Try to extinguish it. Trying to kill it. For decades this went on. Till I met someone who made the hidden me emerge and i felt so free!!!

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