Ethical Polyamory

/ olivia

From the beginning, Sir Jon has been open and totally clear about his intention to have more than one D/s relationship. I am equally clear that I’m fine with that. I want him to be free to in whatever ways are important to him. In the same way, I expect space to be able to do what I need to be happy and whole. 

I’ve never been in a poly relationship before, but I have a number of friends who are poly. It’s been interesting watching the ins and outs of their relationships. Sometimes there is overlap in my friends groups and I can watch combinations of people come together and break apart, only to come together again in a different configuration.

In my youth, I would have been appalled at the idea. I wanted to be the center of attention – the only focus of attention – of my relationship with my husband or lover. And there’s nothing wrong with that. Although, for me, it made more sense when I was raising kids – it felt safer to be his one and only, and I very much wanted my kids to have a dad. But I was also not practicing submission then, not in a BDSM way anyhow. Fortunately, my ideas on relationships have expanded over time.

Reading books like “More than Two: An Ethical Guide to Practical Polyamory” and “The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships & Other Adventures,” which is a classic, gave me a deeper understanding of what was involved.  I’ve worked with clients who were poly, which was challenging and interesting.

So of course, I want definitions and guidelines and such. 

Ethical non-monogamy involves sexual and/or romantic relationships between multiple people. The “ethical” distinguishes it from infidelity or coerced relationships. Ethical non-monogamy emphasizes that everybody’s informed consent is needed. In other words, all partners know about one another and consent to it.

Metamour: someone who is a polyamorous partner’s partner, that they have no romantic relationship with. This can be their partner’s other girlfriend or boyfriend or their partner’s spouse.

I imagine that sometime soon, Sir Jon will form a connection with someone else. I’ll be a metamour! (Which kind of makes me giggle.) I know that there’s a wide range of ways that metamours can relate to each other – from never meeting or communicating to being friends themselves. I’m curious to see what this is going to be like. 

Sir Jon has been honest and as transparent as I’ve wanted him to be. That is what makes this possible. At this point in our relationship, I have every reason to trust him. He shares things that he knows might upset me, and isn’t afraid to have difficult conversations. I appreciate and respect that. 

My goal with my metamour(s) is to be honest and give respect, space, and autonomy to their relationship with Sir Jon, and to expect the same from them. I would hope to be friendly, and maybe even friends. I’m not big on drama or conflict and I wouldn’t ever fight with another woman over a man. Although – that Loretta Lynn song, You Ain’t Woman Enough to Take my Man kind of speaks to me. Ok, just kidding… I mean, I do like the song, but I’m not fighting anybody.

The most exciting part of this poly situation is that it works both ways. I know I mentioned going to events later in the year, but I think I’m going to a munch here in town at the end of the month. They have munches and play parties, and while I seriously doubt I’m going to find another Dom (although I guess it could happen) I could probably engage in some play with someone at a party. Stay tuned, you know I’ll be sharing some stories here!

Also, I’m loving the discussions in the comments, and the new friendships developing through email. You’re always welcome to reach out to me at oliviahisservant@gmail.com. 💜

14 thoughts on “Ethical Polyamory”

  1. Exciting new road. John (my Sir) is married and I am friendly with his wife. Once in a while they invite me over or we do something together. I take care of their cat and plants when they are out of town.
    Sometimes they invite me to the small party in their house or events with other people (vanilla) and that I am not crazy about because we have to pretend I am just family friend. We agreed to minimize these as they kind of make me lonely.

    But I don’t think I could handle him getting another relationship. Sex -yes, but not relationship. Maybe because of the already imbalanced situation – I already have to accept wife, introducing another partner would be too much.

    I myself haven’t been dating for almost a year now, recovering from short relationship that almost cost me John. he gave me another chance and took me back, and I am
    So glad he did. I feel finally ready to start dating, and I hope it will help me regain balance and help with the issues I am having lately with our swinging.

    Thank you for book recommendations – this is very timely for me, as I am dealing with my own poly issues.

    Liked by 4 people

    Reply

    • Thanks for sharing your experience with this, Jo. Part of what has opened my mind to the possibility of being poly has been blogs like yours, so thank you. I can imagine that I would have a lot of the same feelings in your situation – the touch of loneliness especially. It sounds like you’re managing your feelings as not-the-wife pretty well.

      I’m glad you’re ready to start dating again! And glad you took the time to be ok first. I’ll look forward to hearing more about those experiences.

      You’re very welcome for the book recommendations! Would love to hear more of your thoughts if you’re inspired to share at some point. And thanks for your comment! 💜

      Liked by 3 people

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  2. This is so beautiful to read, Olivia. Obviously, I interact with you both on and off of the blogs (although we email much more than Sir Jon and I do) and it is lovely to be here for you both, and to see your development in polyamory. It does tug at my heartstrings a little though, because Will, my ex, was so sure that he could never do polyamory. We have to respect people and their choices, of course, and yet I have that whole “idiot” feeling to him right now: “Idiot, don’t you see what you could have had?” 😉

    Liked by 3 people

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  3. Hi Olivia,

    I haven’t hear some of these terms before, interesting.

    It is so good that you and Sir Jon can communicate and be so open and honest with each other around each of your needs and to give each other the space needed. Both of you being on the same page and on board is vital.

    Hugs
    Roz

    Liked by 3 people

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    • Thanks, Roz. You’re so right, he and I need to be on the same page, no matter what else is going on. Sometimes that’s going to be easier than others, but we’re both wiling to do the work to – well, to make it work! 😊

      Liked by 1 person

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  4. Sitting here thinking about myself, hypothetically anyway, I don’t think I have the correct ego for poly. My mind went to possibly being okay ( though that’s a stretch) being the last one into a relationship, but certainly not being the first. I suppose that means I cannot wrap my head around the idea that my Dom could appreciate everyone equally- so it’s a no go for me then.

    I then started to think of relationships I’ve had over the years, with others ( platonic) and some really could appear like Platonic Polygamy. 🤷

    Interesting thoughts . Good luck navigating these uncharted waters for yourself. It will no doubt make for some more interesting reading and thought provoking questions.

    Willie

    Liked by 3 people

    Reply

    • Hey, Willie – I mean, I don’t know, I’m not sure I have the correct ego for poly either. We’ll see… And – I don’t know the the Dom has to appreciate everyone equally, or not for the same reasons… but we’ll see. I totally understand how you feel and have had the same thoughts before.

      Platonic Poly – that’s pretty cool.

      Thanks for the good wishes! We’ll see. Lol, it may be a roller coaster ride, and it will certainly be AFOG. (Another frigging opportunity for growth.)

      Thanks, Willie. 💜

      Liked by 1 person

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  5. First, let me say that you, my Girl, are the kind of submissive I posted about when I talked about Sweet Submissives. You and I have navigated into this level of Dom/sub dynamic where it is, IMO, meant to be.

    Secondly, I love it when you get all scholarly about things like this. You did an excellent job of outlining the situation and how it can/should be dealt with.

    Lastly, well….you know… 😉

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply

    • I had to go read what you said about Sweet Submissives again before I could truly appreciate the compliment. I am definitely enjoying where we are and it feels right.

      And I am glad that you like it when I get “all scholarly” about things like this! That makes me smile. Information helps anchor me, you know, particularly if it’s something I have feelings about. It’s in a”let’s see what the experts say about it” kind of way. I love hearing other people’s individual experience, but I always want to know if there’s supporting data or differing perspectives.

      And (blushing), yes, Sir, I know… 💜

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