One of the comments on my poem yesterday was from David, over at Dispatches from Dystopia. David and I have known each other a long time and have seen each other go through all kinds of changes over the years. His comment really hit home with me. He said:
“This is a proclamation that passion goes beyond virginal white and naive courtship. At its core desire is surrendering power. The naked self submits,is consumed. The dominant energy captures, fills, possesses. The submissive trades dignity for fulfillment.”
– David
I read it, thinking, “Yes! Yes, yes… oh! Wait a minute… I got to think about this.” Is this right? Does the submissive trade dignity for fulfillment? Am I going to trade dignity for fulfillment?
When I said something to that effect in my response to the comment, David said:
“In the rooms of recovery we say things like, “Would you rather be happy or right?” And “Is this the hill you’re willing to die on?”
And I thought, oh, hmmm, I’m pretty sure there are times that I’ve chosen to be right rather than happy. I’ve even picked some odd hills to die on. But –
What is dignity? Dictionary definition:
the state or quality of being worthy of honor or respect.
“a man of dignity and unbending principle”
- a composed or serious manner or style.”he bowed with great dignity”
- a sense of pride in oneself; self-respect.
- “it was beneath his dignity to shout”
Well, I am worthy of honor and respect, I can’t trade that. But some of the words that go with it – unbending, composed, serious – um, yeah, maybe I would trade those for fulfillment. And I don’t think I could live well without self-respect – but this – “a sense of pride in oneself.” If I think in terms of being too proud to yield – or to kneel… Well, damn. Ok, yeah I can see that I would have to give that up.
No wonder moving closer to the possibility of that submission leads me to cast off caution and throw myself into surrendering power, only to panic at the loss of power and pull back into my protective shell. That caution has kept me from making some big mistakes, so I respect that. Making that trade for what would have been little or no fulfillment isn’t the goal here.
And what is fulfillment? It can be defined as “achieving one’s hopes or dreams.” I’ve had very little hope for a D/s relationship in recent times, but the dream is always there. The dream is a relationship with a Dominant man who sees all of me and can teach or train me to please him while also supporting my efforts to have a productive life with purpose and meaning. Or something like that.
Anyhow. The truth of the matter is that David has it right. I can’t be a stiff-necked woman, obstinate and difficult to lead, and be with the Dom of my dreams. That’s not exactly what dignity means, of course. But it all makes me think of a Dom I used to know who would say, “Let me take you down a notch here,” while he did something diabolically dominant, which would, indeed, drop me a notch deeper into submission.
Well. I hope you’ve enjoyed this almost academic approach to the passion of submission. I felt like David’s comment touched on something deep and real.
The truth of the matter is that if I picture myself in the shower, maybe, spanking myself with the shower brush, because my Sir wants me to, or trying a butt plug for the first time ever, I’m not feeling a lot of dignity. But there might be a whole lot of happy fulfillment.
Olivia 
Hmmm? (Oh hi Olivia, long time no see). I do not feel a loss of dignity in my submission. There can definitely be many times I have been humbled by the actions I have had to partake in, and it may not look dignified to do some of the things I’ve done, but I have never really felt a loss of dignity because of my submission.
I am married, so perhaps that is why? Our relationship did not start out as Ds. Or maybe I’m missing the point all together. I do know that before I really accepted that I was a submissive, not just someone who participates in submission ( not meant as a judgemental statement) I found my views very different to what they became after my acceptance. So maybe I would have agreed with the loss of dignity 10 or 12 years ago?
Either way, I do enjoy this type of post !
Happy Holidays!
willie
LikeLiked by 2 people
Hi, Willie!!
It really as been ages! It’s good to see you again. I hope things are going well for you.
I don’t feel like I’ve lost any dignity in the truest sense of the word – as I said in my post, I am still totally worthy and deserving of respect. I also am someone who sees myself as having standards and boundaries that I adhere to, not rigidly but pretty firmly.
Case in point, just to be specific here, I have stood firmly on the ground of “I’ll never spank myself.” Firmly. Without judging anyone else, I have felt like it was beneath me to spank myself. That could not be part of the dynamic for me.
Well, that’s a false dignity, I guess that’s another way to put it. It’s willful. And it might stand in the way of fulfillment. And that’s just one example.
I don’t know if you would have ever felt the loss of dignity that I feel when I check my messages every 3 minutes to see if he’s answered my last message. Maybe it’s just a semantic difference.
I’m always glad when you my posts inspire you to respond with your own insights! Thanks so much for reading, and for commenting!!
Happy Holidays to you too!!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Interesting take. But I do not think I lose my dignity is submission. I embrace my submission and enjoy it.
Having said that, this can fluctuate too. When I started the journey, I felt embarrassed when I was wearing a collar in public in BDSM club . Now I wear it with my head high up. I even enjoy putting it on for regular swingers night, not a fetish community. There are more acts like that
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks, Jo, I’m glad you thought it was interesting!
Oh, I embrace my submission and enjoy it too!! And I know what you mean about feeling embarrassed at first by wearing a collar and then embracing it. I think that’s a beautiful transition.
No, it’s more like I was saying to Willie (in response to her comment). She agrees with you that there’s no loss of dignity for her. But there are things for me that I have thought I’d never do, and I’d have thought that was “the hill I would die on.” Like self-spanking as part of an LDR. I was just never going to do that.
It’s not that I’m going to lose my dignity if I do, but more like: if I do that, I will be trading that piece of dignity for a more fulfilling relationship.
Shrug, that might not resonate with you at all, and I get that. The words in David’s comment just felt right to me.
Thanks so much for commenting, Jo! I appreciate you sharing your opinion.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I understand. After I posted my comment, I thought more about it later. I think I am at the point where if I like something, it’s not humiliating. However, first I have to go through the process of accepting the fact that I like something that by societal standards is considered humiliating. That may take a while sometimes, but it is a part of growing and self discovery.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Oh!! Thank you, Jo!! I think that is what I mean. And this comment gave me some clarity too – it’s not that you lose your dignity – you trade it. It’s saying to yourself, “I thought this way of doing things or not doing them was an important part of who I am, but I set that aside for a step further into becoming who I really am. Does that fit with what you’re thinking? (And thanks so much!!)
LikeLiked by 1 person
I think we figured it out. It is a trade, that takes the shackles off and brings sense of freedom and fulldilment
LikeLiked by 1 person
Absolutely! Yep. Thanks!
LikeLiked by 1 person
It’s not keeping up appearances anymore
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yes! It’s not “I have to look dignified”
LikeLiked by 1 person
Very interesting thoughts Olivia, I am still pondering lol. I don’t feel I have lost my dignity in submission either. I have felt humbled though, yes. It took me some time to become used to things like kneeling, and to being naked.
Hugs
Roz
PS Hi Willie! *waves*
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thanks, Roz, I also appreciate your insight. I just realized more clearly – thanks to a new comment from Jo – that it’s not that we lose our dignity – we trade what we believe is a dignified way to be (like wearing clothes and not kneeling to anyone) for a path that leads to more fulfillment. Apparently, youall are through with the need to do that, while I’m still in it! Love this conversation!
LikeLiked by 1 person