I have reminded my self to back up and take care of myself. Being on the dating site, even for a minute, was also a reminder that all relationships come with their own baggage. I have to laugh at myself – here’s what I want:
- Someone who can see me for who I am, both positive and not so positive.
- Someone who understands me.
- Someone who only has faults that I don’t mind.
- Someone who doesn’t need a lot of attention – but pays attention to me when I want him to.
- Someone with similar interests and values, but different enough to be interesting.
- Maybe someone kinky, but with just the right level and style of dominance.
Yeah, you can laugh too.
It’s not like I saw someone who was close to that and walked away though. More like I looked at pictures and thought, “not him, not him, not him, maybe him, no, probably not.” There was one man who I really thought might be interesting and fun, but he didn’t answer my message. Shrug.
Anyhow, that doesn’t really matter, because it was actually a distraction from the life I really have and the things I actually need to do.
So December is self-care month for me. I found an on-line meditation group, and I’m meditating daily. I’ve upped my steps to 10,000/day (just for the last few days, but it’s going to be a priority to keep that up.) I’m working on being mindful with food. I’m doing some much needed cleaning and organizing.
I might feel like a new relationship is the thing my life needs, but that’s craving. Being attached to the idea that “this external thing” will make my life better, no matter what “this” is, is rarely true. I wish it were. But it’s trap and it can keep me always one step away from satisfied. You know, “If I only had a heart… a brain… some courage…)
I may be around more for a while, or maybe not, I dunno. But I appreciate you being here and reading, even if I am a bit “here today, gone tomorrow” flaky.
And now, for your listening pleasure, this holiday classic:
{In case you can’t see it, it’s The Christians and the Pagans by Dar Willims from youtube.)
Olivia 
I hope you find that special person, Olivia. Bless you.
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Thanks so much, Whatsystem – I have to admit, I think it’s an unrealistic list, like something out of a bad Hallmark movie. But it would be something if I did! 💜
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You might want to consider writing a short fictional piece on that last bullet point: “Maybe someone kinky, but with just the right level and style of dominance.” I am intrigued what would that look like.
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That’s a great idea! I’ll have to play with that. Thanks!
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I always enjoy seeing a post from you, my friend. What you have written here, about the “external thing” being what will make life better… I find myself falling into that all the time. Definitely something that I am working on. Mine is often, “if I only lost weight and got in shape” life would be better, or “I’d be so much happier if Sir had more time for me”. I am really trying to focus on gratitude and acceptance right now. A life long journey, I suppose. Anyhow… I hope you don’t disappear from this forum. I will always be a dedicated reader 🙂 XOXO
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Thanks so much, Nora. I love seeing a comment from you! I really appreciate you sharing your experiences that are often similar to mine. Gratitude and acceptance have both been on my intention-setting list for a while now so I can relate to that! And I don’t think I’ll disappear any time soon.. Thanks again for reading and for commenting!
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Of course! Us gals have to stick together. Life sure knows how to throw some unpleasant curve balls. A year ago, when I was graduating with my PhD… I thought this next year would be all about finding my dream job, self-betterment, etc…instead, it’s been all about health and just staying alive. I’m here anytime you want to chat. Perhaps we could meet on Google Hangouts sometime for messenger session. I would love to talk and get to know you better. Take good care, my friend XOXO
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Google hangout sounds like fun – although – true story – I think I’ve only used that once. I’ll email you about setting up a day/time?
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Sounds great! I am a very quick typist, and love talking with others in that way! I have a lot of availability tomorrow and Friday. Looking forward to it! XOXO
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Self-care month, good on you Olivia. “The external thing that will make life better”… you got me pondering on this. External things/influences can have a big impact, both positive and negative.
Hugs
Roz
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Thanks, Roz! You are definitely right that external things have a big impact. Having enough money/not struggling too much financially, having people who you care about that care about you, feeling that you have some purpose or meaning to your life – and much more. Those things all matter. But when I start thinking, “If I just had…” then everything woud be good or would be ok, that’s a trap. And (imo) it’s probably distracting me from something internal I need to be looking at. That’s my thought anyhow. Thanks so much for commenting. Sending hugs back… 💜
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“Being attached to the idea that ‘this external thing’ will make my life better, no matter what ‘this’ is, is rarely true. I wish it were. ”
I spent years of my life checking goal after goal off my list. And I had to stop– in the middle of my master’s degree– and say, “if you’re not happy right now, you never will be.”
We put labels on what is missing, but in reality, we are the one’s not whole.
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Yep. Exactly.
I knew that years ago, and yet I apparently have to rediscover it every so often. Stupid spiral of growth.
Thanks for commenting! Love to see you here,… 💜
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Your shopping list sounds pretty reasonable to me. The only thing I’d add (for me) is someone who doesn’t need a lot of attention, but appreciates it when then they get it.
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Thanks so much for reading and for commenting! I like your addition to the list! I’m pretty sure it’s not the least bit realistic, but fun to play with. 💜
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