Not Really a Revelation

So I had this revelation – you know, the kind that once you have it, you think, ‘well, duh, of course.’ But somehow it just hadn’t been in the front of your mind.

No, my therapist didn’t help me have this – what should I call it? A re-revelation? I’m still spinning my wheels on the whole therapy thing. My second therapist talked about himself more that he did about what I’d messaged him with. I mean, literally – a paragraph about him, a paragraph about me, another paragraph about him. I persevered with him for a bit, even beyond that, but he didn’t ask me about what’s going on with me, just made statements about what he thought I should do. Really? I used to be a therapist. I’m pretty sure that’s not how therapy works. Sigh.

So I switched to a third one, waited a couple of days and she still hadn’t read my message. Switched again – same thing. Two days, she hadn’t looked at my message. At that point, the company gave me an extra week free because – well, you know, because I hadn’t had any actual therapy yet. Ok, really because neither of them had responded to me.

So I switched to a fifth, who has only missed the first “will respond by” promise so far. Then the weekend. But she hasn’t looked at my message yet. (Yes, it’s like FB messenger, you get a little check mark when they see your message.) Now she’s got til 4:00 Monday to respond. If she doesn’t, I think I’ll ask for a refund.

BUT – that’s not what my re-revelation was. I was making up the bed today when it struck me, I’m lonesome. You know, my daughter is busy trying to figure out her own life, as she should be. Grand kids are fun, but they don’t really see me. Theoretically, MP is my partner, but our relationship feels more like he’s my father. My father who’s starting to need more care. And I feel terrible, terrible, terrible for saying that, for thinking of him that way.

Anyhow. This is not the place for this conversation, it just is what is. And I’m lonesome.

AND don’t decide not to seek therapy just because I’ve talked about my crappy experience with it. There are lots of great therapists out there. In fact, these people might be the best therapist for someone else, I don’t know.

Now I gotta go finish making the bed…

17 thoughts on “Not Really a Revelation

  1. As Bill Clinton used to say, “I feel your pain.” J is an angel, but she needs to work on the whore part. Oh and stop acting like I’m helpless. So what if my cuff gets in the ketchup. But enough about me. That was your whole first point.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hi Olivia,

    I’m sorry you have had such crappy experiences with the therapists. That sucks, I would be seeking a refund.

    I get the lonliness feeling and as Bleue said, it is ok to feel daunted or overwhelmed by MP’s needs.

    (((Hugs)))
    Roz

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    • Thanks, Roz – yeah, I’ll either find someone amazing or look elsewhere for sure.

      Thanks for the understanding and support – you are already a better therapist than they were! 💜

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  3. Rooting for you Olivia. Good therapists seem to be hard to find even in good times let alone during this pandemic crap. It’s awful that so many of us are lonely. Please know you’re not alone in that. That won’t make you feel better, but it may help you not feel worse. You’re going through a lot with that alone plus taking care of MP. I would encourage you to keep talking. Try again. And keep up the hunt for a good therapist until you find a good fit. Many of them seem to be off balance these days and very busy, so it might take some time. I am sorry you are lonely. I get that way, too. And maybe MP should talk to a therapist, too? For depression, maybe? Hugs, Windy

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks, Windy! Like Bleue and Roz, you are already being a much better therapist than either of the folks I’ve talked to so far! It does make me feel better somehow that other people are lonely too, suggests it’s not my fault, but just common humanity. MP doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with him, but yes. Maybe it wouldn’t hurt to suggest it. Thanks, Windy!! 💜

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  4. Hi Olivia Its to bad the therapy is not working out . I too would ask for a refund at this point. Hope it works out one way or the other. I understand they loneliness , the pandemic doesn’t help either . Enjoy the family when you can and get outside and keep moving it will help. Keep writing maybe it will help both. Good luck be safe and healthy.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hey, M. Yep, emailed today to ask for a refund. We’ll see what happens. Thanks for the suggestions – of course you’re right. Maybe we’re all a bit lonely? Does that make it better? Like we’re all in the lonely lane together? I dunno…
      💜

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  5. I understand the loneliness bit. Many of us are in a similar storm, though our boats are different. Much like the revelation I had at the start of Ttwd, I re-relized that connections outside of our home helped fill in the blanks that I couldn’t find within it. Which is not a dig at B. I truly don’t believe one person can be your end all and be all.
    Connection seems to be the greatest issue for many with this pandemic. We can call, and Zoom and if you aren’t in lockdown or livid in a ridiculous province like I do ( weather wise) have outside visits 6 feet apart, but those things aren’t exactly conducive to creating a connection. Oft times lately our conversations are superficial or deal with the ever present background noise of this pandemic. Connection needs to be maintained and worked on – that way we all feel seen and heard. No doubt the therapist who talked about themselves is suffering from this as well. Lol

    I’m sorry this has been a challenge for you. I can hardly imagine how difficult it must be . I’m frustrated just trying to get a chest x-ray and that is nothing which requires giving if myself! Lol

    willie

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks, Willie, yeah, I think the pandemic has traumatized us all and cut us off from others. For me, part of the problem is that I can’t get away from the people I live with much, they are always around me. MP is big talker but not about yeah, about the pandemic, politics and so on. So many things are frustrating as we try to figure out how to do them. I’ll be elligible for the vaccine in a few weeks, maybe that will set me free a bit…

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  6. Sounds like an ideal time to carve a break for yourself, by yourself, so whatever else you are trying to hold down can surface. I absolutely get the whole Dad who needs care and how that creates a stressful dynamic. I definitely get feeling unseen. I’m a ghost in my own life now and just waiting for the sun to shine again. ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

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