Once upon a time, in a different life, there was a Dom named First Sir. Ok, that wasn’t his real name, that was just what I called him on my blog. And not even that at first – at first, I just called him Sir, as if he would always be my Sir.

I started blogging because of him, at his suggestion anyhow. We had some lovely times together, and for some reason I started emailing him with descriptions of what we’d done the night before. I don’t remember why anymore. But he liked what I wrote.

OH! And I first learned about blogs because when I went to some Chinese restaurant, he told me to bring home chopsticks, and I couldn’t imagine why he would want that. So he told me to google it.

And I discovered blogs. Kinky blogs. And kinky uses for chopsticks. I LOVED reading those blogs. Discerning Dom’s blog was a favorite. He no longer has a blog. He turned it all into a book, available on kindle now. And ‘nilla was around in those early day. But I digress.

First Sir walked me through starting a blog of my own.

First Sir taught me to obey. He spanked me in lovely, lovely ways, and he taught me to follow his direction to suck his cock.

“Hover, breathe through my mouth, close, lick, go down slowly, one half inch at a time, bury it, then back up, slowly and methodically, and remove.“

He was a dear, sweet man, and very gentle with me really. I have so many good memories of him.

We only saw each other about 3 months. He kept his vanilla life and his kink life very separate. That included a few kinks of his own that were very secret, which seemed a bit sad to me. He believed that what he did in his most secret life was actually wrong. It harmed no one, but he carried a lot of shame around it.

I don’t know that he was ashamed of being a Dom, but he liked to date vanilla women who would not have approved of any of his sexuality. So I guess he thought D/s was wrong too. Anyhow, when I fully realized I was never going to have a place in his “real” life, I knew I had to go, and I did.

I was looking through my old blog, remembering, and found this from the end of our relationship:

But i want to be with someone who’d like to spend time with me outside of playtime.  Maybe that’s unreasonable.  i might be asking too much – seriously.  But i can’t seem to be submissive strictly in play, there’s an element of attachment that creeps in.  And one of the first things He told me was not to get too attached.

But i don’t quite understand how i could open myself, literally, opening my legs at His command, and my mouth, without opening my heart and my spirit as well.  And then, damnit, i want more.  i want to go out for dinner.  i want to go hear some music.  i just want more intimacy than  an evening of playtime here and there.

We parted on totally friendly terms, stayed friends on FB, and he would reach out to me from time to time for different reasons. Once his grandbaby was in a “vote for the cutest kid” contest and he wanted votes for him. Most recently, he was recovering from cancer and talked about getting together one more time. I couldn’t do that – well, wouldn’t, really.

I guess that was a couple of years ago but I’ve checked his profile a couple of times since then, just to see how he’s doing, and he seemed ok. And I went to do that today and – he’s gone. Completely gone.

I guess he could have blocked me, but I can’t imagine what would have triggered that.

So I googled him, and nothing comes up. No obit, no nothing.

Shrug. I don’t know, and I don’t know anyone who knew him that I could ask. We had zero friends in common, not even acquaintances. I’ll google him again at some point looking for an obituary, but who knows. I guess I might never know what happened to him.

So I will just send loving energy his way and hope that wherever he is, he’s happy and well-cared for. “May First Sir be peaceful, May First Sir be safe…”