Well, it’s that time again – check-in.

• Steps avg: 5,700; Range: 4,100 – 7,300
• Glucose: 120 – 140
• Sleep average: 6 hours, 2 minutes
• Weight: 166.5

Yes, I am walking more – and I am counting calories and eating less – and I am gaining weight. Shrug. WTF-ever.

It looks like I might end up getting a job – 29 hrs/week job. It pays ok, or pretty good, I guess, so that’s something. It’s coaching, of sorts, although not the type I would have envisioned myself doing.

I need to make some money, so I guess it’s all good. And I don’t even know that I’ll get it, so there’s that. My schedule would be very different, of course.

I’m pretty blue about it today. I really do feel like I’m giving up my dream, even though theoretically I’m not. And the problem is just me. If I’d done the marketing stuff I could have done, I might not be in this boat. But I just didn’t. Haven’t. And am probably not going to in time to be ok. I really do need some income.

So, if I don’t get this job, I’ll be looking for other possibilities. Look out Indeed and UpWork and who knows what else is out there. I guess I should have done this a year ago instead of piddling around thinking I was going to be a marketing maven. Or I should have gotten serious about my marketing.

So, part of the issue is that this is my own fault, I have no one to blame but myself. I do not have the type of drive necessary to be in business for myself. I just don’t. So I feel like a total dumbass. That’s one.

Another part is that my daughter and MP totally seem to think this is a good thing. I guess that’s a reflection of how worried about money they must be? But neither one of them seems to have an inkling that this might not be something I’m actually excited about doing. Do they even know me?

I know, i could tell them. But I’m sitting here with tears running down my face while I write this, and I don’t want them consoling me or telling me why it’s ok that I do this because I can always still build my own business. If they think it’s great that I do this, I don’t need them to know that I don’t feel that way, and I don’t want them telling me why it’s really ok.

So I can’t complain about that either. Ha, I totally feel like I’ve “made my bed, now I have to lie in it.” You know, we make choices and there are – outcomes. Things happen as a result, often pretty predictably.

I needed to market myself – my services – aggressively. And instead, I’ve been marketing myself not at all. I needed to put my work at the center of my life – focus on it practically to the exclusion of everything else. Instead, I let just about anything that comes along derail me. I’ll stop to chat with MP. Cancel things to take the grand kids somewhere they need to go. Apparently, I have no actual frigging boundaries.

Ok. I’m not crying anymore. That’s a statement of fact, tears are not rolling down my face anymore. It’s not a promise for the future or anything. I get to mourn the life I thought I was going to have, but didn’t work hard enough for. And I’m probably being a bit melodramatic anyhow.