i am really just using this blog as a journal so pay no attention to my bitching and moaning. There are things i need to say that i choose not to say to those around me in real life. This is one of them:
The constant presence of other people is really hard. They randomly interrupt my work, disrupting my train of thought. It’s not like they need focused attention so much as sporadic attention, when it strikes their fancy to engage.
And they deserve attention. That’s the problem, in a way. From my partner, to my daughter and my grandkids and on down to my two cats, they really are entitled to some attention from me.
My work requires attention too, and today it seems like it would be easier to go into an office, or at least have a room of my own where i could close the door. i have tremendous focus, fortunately. i can shut out all kinds of noise and chaos and confusion, but i don’t think it makes me more efficient or effective. And being able to do that while i’m working, or at least able to do it part of the time, doesn’t fill my need for solitude and time to think just for myself.
i’m not really complaining, just describing the situation, or trying to. I have some getaways planned and am beginning to carve out a little time for myself. But today i feel like – i don’t know how to describe it. Like they’re attached to me. Psychic barnacles clinging to me. I have an urge to shake them off, or scrape them off, but usually don’t.
Anyhow. i love them, i’m glad they’re here – grateful even. It just feels like there is not enough of me to go around.
Today, i will focus on eating healthy food at regular times. Maybe i’ll go to the coffee shop to work for a while. i’ll go for a walk in a little bit, and count my countless blessings.
And this man i’ve been chatting with on fet wants to have coffee. i go from “meh,” to “it might be fun,” and “omg, the last thing i need is one more time commitment.” i think if we schedule it for next week, it will give me time to look forward to it, begin to dread it, and change my mind and cancel at not-quite-the-last-minute. Cause that’s how i am these days.