My life is in flux. Fluid, unstable, vacillating. My relationship, my job, my plans for the future seem to be continuously changing. Maybe that’s always the case and we just don’t realize it?
i feel like i have been living from my head, trying to stay on the path, even when the path has been a little off the beaten trail. i have lost touch with my gut – i have acknowledged mostly those things that i can see and touch.
i have been avoiding pain and suffering, avoiding my own feelings, avoiding my self. Burying myself in Facebook and fantasy and fluffy romance novels. Numbing my distress and uncertainty with two glasses of wine and a bedtime shot of Amaretto. Or the cookies, on top of chili and cornbread, with a side of chocolate candy – the fancy kind i got for Christmas – and don’t we have some ice cream?
So then the dance – the next step after this confession of flaws – is trying to control and regulate. Limit FB, limit food, schedule exercise, work harder, focus more – mandates for the life i should be living – followed by poor compliance, self-blame, and more numbing.
More control is not the answer, it’s not about regimenting my life.
i ran across this quote:
I have been woman
for a long time
beware my smile
I am treacherous with old magic
and the noon’s new fury
— Audre Lorde, fromThe Black Unicorn
and somehow it speaks to me, i don’t even know why.
My life is in flux and i don’t know which way to turn. But somewhere, deep inside me, i know that it doesn’t matter.
i went to a Buddhist service yesterday, the first actual group meditation and such i’ve been to. For a minute, i found my perspective, took a step back and saw my struggles as just one tiny drop in the ocean of the universe.
So i was thinking this morning about discernment, thinking that i am in a process of discernment and that it is not about finding the next career move or the right relationship, that it is something else. i googled discernment, sometimes i google like other people might read tarot cards or tea leaves, looking for deeper meaning. And i found this phrase “discerning the transmundane.”
Now this phrase apparently applies to some kind of on-line gaming that involves Elder Scrolls and who knows what else. Maybe i’ll dig into that some other time.
But “transmundane” is just what you think it would be. “Reaching beyond or existing outside the physical or visible world.” “Beyond this world or worldly consideration.”
Discerning the transmundane.
Anyhow. i’ve been looking for the “right” answer, the “right” thing to do, to get the “right” outcome, creating the greatest possible happiness for myself and those near and dear to me. In reality, we don’t get to do that, and if that is our focus, we may be wasting our time. i don’t get to do that, and i may be wasting my time.
i thought about all this last night, and got up this morning to find this post on the Dreamlanddancing blog: Why I Suffer It is lovely, and well worth reading the whole poem. Many parts of it speak to me, and maybe this most of all:
…Joy will come to us
just long enough
to hurt us when it goes.
There is no escape.
This is why
This is why I smile…