Omg, y’all, i am just now realizing that my job has been – the people at the job i have – some of the people at my job – have been interacting with me in a way that triggers deep shame for me.
This insight came to me in the middle of the night and kept me from going back to sleep til the time i usually get up. i did get some sleep after that, so at least i’m not functioning from a totally sleep deprived brain.
i have been walking around in a stew of shame – ok, i guess you can’t walk in a stew – a sea of shame then. No, i’ve been simmering in a pot of shame.
It made me cry last night, but i’m laughing – at least a little bit – this morning. It is not (completely) their fault, they didn’t know they were torturing me, although they haven’t been particularly careful with me either. Mostly, i suspect, they have not been thinking much about me, and still aren’t.
And that’s ok, they’re not my lover, not my Dom, not my family. It’s only a problem because i forget that they’re not and i try to win approval that they can’t give me.
My first reaction, when i realized this, was “fuck them, i’m quitting, that’ll teach ’em.” And i did take some steps, in the middle of the night, to begin creating some career options. i’ll continue to do that too.
i think they may believe that my usefulness is coming to an end, and when they believe that, i’ll be gone. The only difference between leaving now and then will be a severance package. So there’s no rush to go, just a need to be prepared to do that. Maybe i’m wrong and i’ll keep working there until i’m ready to go.
My deepest source of shame is offering the gift that is unwanted. But the reality is that it’s my father who never saw me and never valued who i was. No amount of acceptance at work can heal that wound, and no lack of appreciation is the same soul crushing injury. It’s an echo of the past, only that. It resonates, the wound throbs, but once i realize what’s happening, i can acknowledge that it’s not the same.
It’s a repeated revelation, i feel myself trudging round and round the spiral, one more time around…