i don’t know what to say, all i can think is that i’ve been open and honest and now it turns out he doesn’t want me, doesn’t think i have anything to offer him. My throat is so tight i couldn’t talk if he tried to make me, and my chest hurts and if i could make myself disappear, i would. i can’t look at him.
He shakes his head, “I’ve missed something here. Stepped on a hidden land mine. Come here, girl,” and he pulls me toward him, i’m still on my knees but he’s cradling me, holding me tightly pressed against his crisp white shirt. He strokes my hair, kisses the top of my head, whispers, “Go ahead, it’s ok to cry.”
And i do, i begin to cry, sobbing, feeling a huge rush of pain for all the times i’ve been lacking, not had enough, not been enough. i cry, and then i cry some more.
Finally, the sobs die down, i’m sniffling like crazy, and he hands me a Kleenex. Then another. And a third.
At last, i’m finished. Feeling ridiculous. Embarrassed to look at him. i try to pull away, and he lets me lean back a bit.
“i’m sorry,” i manage to say. “So sorry. You can trade me in, you know,” i add ruefully, even though the thought makes tears well up again.
His voice is cool. “Trade you in? When we’ve just begun? Have you forgotten that I own you? For this weekend, you belong to me. Do you think your tears bother me? I’ll make you cry again before we’re through.”
He smiles, “I’d rather make you cry because I won’t let you come, or because I’ve been harsh with the whip, but it’s all the same. Your tears belong to me, I’ll take them along with your moans and, yes, along with your mouth and your hot cunt and sweet ass. It’s all mine. Is that clear?”
It’s like he flipped a switch and the sun’s come back out, the ocean is calm and i’m so turned on, i might go up in flames i want him to take me every way there is.
“I’m going to ask you again, and this time, I expect you to stay here with me. If you need help, ask for it. You ready?”
“Yes – yes, Sir,”
“Tell me what you have to offer me.”
And for a minute, i think i can’t find the words, but then i start, “Um, you know, all of me really. You know, not all right this minute, ’cause it can’t work like that. But physically, you already know that, but not just my body but my desire – um, my desire to please you. Like,” and i’m getting embarrassed, but i keep going, “like, i want you to take my mouth, i want to please you with my mouth, i want to learn what you like and do it just that way and i want to – i want to be open and available to you.”
He’s nodding, and holding both my hands in his, so i keep going. “And – and -” i drop my eyes, “and my heart too,” only i’m almost whispering, so he says, “louder, please,” and i say it again, “My heart too,” and then i quickly add, “but not like i’m “in love” or anything like that, just love – like love that’s in my heart for you – like, oh! like service, that’s what it’s like. That kind of love.”
He nods, smiling that way he does, where his lips just barely curve up and his eyes get warm. “Yes,” he says. “Go on.”
So i do, shrugging a little, i say, “And – and my mind,” and he laughs.
i’m startled and flinch a little, but he says, “You say that like it’s nothing, girl. I want your mind, believe me. I have every intention of taking it.”
i giggle then, “Well, i don’t know what you’re going to do with it, but sure, you can have it.” He just shakes his head, but he’s really smiling now.
“What else?” he asks. “I get your body. Mouth, cunt, and ass, and I get your desire to be used that way and to please. I get your heart, and I get service. I get your mind, and you may think that’s nothing, but you’ll feel differently when I’m in there poking around the dark corners.” i shiver a little at that image, yes, that sounds more intense than i was thinking. But he’s not through, “What if I want more? What else?”
My heart is racing again, just a bit. What? What else do i have? i’m trying not to panic, and he must see that, because he holds both my hands in one of his, and wraps my hair around his other hand, holding it tight right at the nape of my neck. “Tell me what’s going on,” he says.
“I’m – i’m just scared, what if i don’t have anything else, what if i can’t think of anything else, what if -” and he shakes his head, “no,” tightens his grip on my hair. i stop.
“Easy,” he says, “easy,” and i picture myself as a horse, ready to start bucking and maybe gallop away. “Listen to me.”
So i focus my attention. “Yes, Sir.” His hand in my hair is tight and firm, i feel safe.
“Ok. Now listen to yourself. Gently. Calmly. You’ve got this. Remember, I have your body. I have your heart, your service, and your mind. Breathe for a moment and feel yourself letting me have all of that.”
i breathe, and my body relaxes. i can feel it, feel myself opening for him, the walls i use to keep people out melting. He nods, “Yes, there you go. Now look for it. What else will you give me?”
“Ohhhhh,” i say, because i can feel it now, even if i’m not sure what to call it. “My – is it my spirit, Sir?” but he just raises his eyebrows encouragingly. “I think so, it’s that part of me that is most “me.” i smile. “Wise mind. You can’t keep it, you know, i don’t think i can give it away, but yes, i’ll offer you that part of me too.”
i’m suddenly very tired, and feel like i might fall when he releases my hair, but he takes my shoulders and pulls me closer. He kisses me, and my mouth responds instinctively, tasting his desire and passion. His tongue traces my lips, as if he’s marking me with his mouth, and my whole body responds with heat. When he penetrates my mouth, his tongue plunging into me, i shudder and moan. The kiss takes me to some new level of belonging.
Then he stops, pulls away, and i whimper with longing, i want him back. But i hear the warning bell, and realize our time together is almost up. Ten minute warning, and then i have to get ready for dinner.
“Pay attention,” he says. i want to but i’m only half there, part of me is still lost in the kiss and part of me is already headed to my room, wondering what he wants me in fetish wear or naked tonight. i realize my mistake when i feel him grasp my nipples and i say, “no, oh, i -” but before i can say that i am paying attention he has tugged and pinched and – omg, omg – yes, Sir, i am totally paying attention now.
He releases my nipples, grinning, and says, “With me now?”
“YES, Sir,” i say, nipples still tingling.
“Good girl. Now, you’ve got about an hour before dinner, right?” i nod. “Then we have dinner together, and after that is playtime, in one of the dungeons, or free time, correct?”
“Yes, Sir, that’s usually the schedule.”
“Good. Here’s my plan. I want you naked tonight, collar, cuffs, leash, and heels. Clear? You have 15 minutes to do whatever washing up you need to do. Then 15 minutes to write in your journal – you do journal while you’re here, right?”
i nod, “yes, Sir.”
“Then i want you to meditate, same position as this afternoon during entry. Head down, ass up, arms stretched out in front of you. The phrase to contemplate is “offering myself.” i’ll come collect you for dinner, and i expect to find you waiting for me like that. Clear?”
“Yes, Sir,” but i am a little overwhelmed.
He grins. “It’s a lot. Let me walk you through it again, then you can tell it back to me.” And he does, step by step, and makes me repeat it back to him until he’s sure i understand.
Then, gently and carefully, he helps me to my feet, making sure i’m steady before he takes the leash in hand and says, “Heel,” adding, “But you’ll have to tell me how to get to your room.”
“Yes, Sir,” i say.